When is it appropriate to approach someone you don't know?

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It's never okay to approach a girl unless you're an 8,9 or 10 on the looks scale. If you're anything below 8, a girl will call you a creep or a rapist if you dare to approach her.

The problem is different qwomen have different tastes.

It is in my experiences and I have bee told by some they would love to be approached if they were on their phone or reading a book, others would hateit, some would love to be approached at a bar, others
jst want to have fun with their, etc.

My advice is to disregard ENTIRELY what women say because they will all have a different opinion, and it will only make you frustrated because it will appear that women don't want to be approached in any situation.

I'm saying if one woman says she does not like to be approached grocery shopping, in the public, open streets, and at the gym, but she does like to be approached at a bar, at social events, and at bookstores, but another one says the complete OPPOSITE, you may feel confused and unsure of yourself of what to do.

Instead, use this rule of thumb in my individual, humble opinion:

Not at churches, not at funerals, not when she's in a situation she can't leave or escape, e.g. public transportation. Never block a doorway or exit at any time, any place, even by mistake.

Never at night, unless at a bar, nightclub, indoor party/social event, or some type of outdoor social event, like a concert. If at an indoor social event, only approach in an area of the building where a high number of other people are. Not in any backrooms or away from everyone else. This applies to day locations too.

If at an outdoor social event, only if she is in a very visible, public and well-lit area where ANYONE could see you BOTH.

Never approach at night if she's alone. Either way, night approaching should be VERY rare and otherwise almost completely avoided altogether.

You shouldn't do it all, but there is a tiny miniscule amount of situations where it's okay.

Never approach in Point A to Point B type situations, e.g. public transportation, hallways of a building/hotel where you're both clearly going somewhere, etc.

Where does this leave you?

- Grocery shopping (preferably smaller rather than bigger shops. Smaller is more comfortable due to less hustle and bustle and such. but make sure it's not too empty and big that you'd make her uncomfortable).
- Education/Work (if it's allowed at your jobplace, be careful because co-worker relations may not be allowed)
- Bookstores
- Library
- Comic Book Store
- Coffee Shop
- Certain Meetup groups and events
- Bars
- Nightclubs
- Hotel Lobby/Lounge/any sort of 'Chillout' spot/Common Room (e.g. dormitory common rooms at university).
- Social/Outdoor Events
- The Gym, if it doesn't distract her from her workout.
- Parks, open public spaces.
- Local Pools, sports facilities.
- The Beach, etc.
- Miscellaneous, etc.

If you just listen to what women say, they will all have different tastes and preferences and eventually you'll find pretty much everything in that list crossed off the list.

Bridgette77: "Number one, I'm a woman, so I can speak from a woman's point of view!"

Yes, but if you were to hunt an animal, who would you rather ask advice? The hunter, or the animal?

It may be a silly metaphor to make for love and dating, but it is men who do the pursuing so the most successful of them have learnt what tends to work and what doesn't.

And it's not just 1 man either, just look at PUArtistry and plenty of men have found success with the same techniques or had the same lack of success with the opposite sex for the very same reasons as their fellow man. It may be too common to be coincidence.

It doesn't necessarily mean the Hunter or 'Pick-up Artist' is always right, and I could choose to hunt an animal my own way, e.g. by running after it with a spear until it's exhausted because I hate setting traps like the hunter suggested, but that doesn't mean I should entirely reject the Hunter's advice and plausability, especially if they have evidence of success (a relationship, happy marriage, vibrant sex life, etc.) and there is evidence of success by his clients.

There's plenty of youtube videos that often mock the fact SOME, a very small portion and tiny minority, say 1% of all women, may give bad dating advice or give dating advice that doesn't actually work for the man, for example this one:



From this video one of the men successfully got 1 phone number.

"Two, Sometimes, when we are at a disadvantage, we just have to take a chance. If we don't, and just sit on the sidelines and observe, or in my case, let life just pass by, when we'll never know what might have been."

Exactly, which is why you should approach almost anywhere you know won't make women extremely uncomfortable or endangered. All women have different tastes, so even if some say they hate being approached at the mall, do it anyway for the few who would like it.

Therefore, as a matter of basic respect, you should never assume you're up to any particular woman's standards. Hence, leave her alone.

Yes, your post has a hidden code that interferes with my plan of world domination.
( and it was too long- I do agree on the part that the longer the stay the more socially acceptable to talk...but it not always the case really, frequency of encounters is way more important)

I believe many girls have been taught that they should stay away from strangers since childhood by multiple sources including their parents and school teachers at least whenever media reports on sexual violences.
If I had a daughter/son, I would seriously warn them to be wary of strangers as well, saying, "Hey my daughter/son, if a stranger tries to approach you, just walk away without hesitation, without feeling guilty. Don't ever allow any strangers to approach you."

So let's not approach anyone you don't know.

every situation is different and every person is different, of course, and there are lots of random variables you just can't take into account in a generalized way. but, assuming we're talking about "a nt girl", i think you can follow these general guidelines, and refine them yourself according to your individual situation, experience, skills, etc

1. if it's not a place meant for socialization, forget it (a lounge generally is a place particularly meant for socialization with strangers and newly-met acquaintances though)

2. if she doesn't look at you and ignores your presence and just keeps paying attention to her book / phone / game / etc (let's just say "phone"), let her be. she's there because she likes that public area better than other places, or because she's waiting for someone or whatever, and that's it

3. if she looks at you and doesn't immediately go back to her phone, that's a sign that she's probably there because she's open to socialization (not necessarily with you), and that she's reading / playing / etc to 1) pass the time, 2) have an excuse not to engage in social contact if she doesn't feel like it, and 3) have a visible conversation starter that involves her own interests (you'll need something equivalent yourself, for the same reasons. if you don't have it with you, then don't approach her)

4. if she gives you enough time to openly acknowledge her presence, and you do say hi or smile or wave, and she smiles back (not just hi or a wave, regardless if that's how you greeted her. a real smile, for more than just a split-second, and including muscles around the eyes. this is crucial), then she's probably interested in talking to you

5. don't make it personal until it's personal (always a good rule-of-thumb when in doubt, btw). you're there allegedly to pass the time doing your own thing, same as her. be prepared to actually go through with pretending you're there just to pass the time. also think, beforehand, of a friendly excuse to leave the area in case it starts to feel like you're in awkward-silence territory ("oh i forgot i need to <something>. see you! [wave/smile]"). if you just get up and leave too shortly after you sat down, she may find it rude and may take it personally. you acknowledged each other's presence, so you acknowledge each other's leaving

6. ask her if she would mind if you sat <somewhere in her field of view>, close enough that you could talk to her one-on-one, but farther away than you would normally be when talking to someone you already know, and not directly in front of her. something like a 45-degree angle. it's important to always give her the chance to ignore you, even if she may be interested in talking to you. unless and until there's an actual conversation going on, don't assume that any initial sign of interest means she won't change her mind the next second. and even if she is interested, just the fact of not having the option to ignore you might already discourage her

7. it's very unlikely that she will say she doesn't want you to sit there. that doesn't mean anything. it's a redundant question to begin with, but politeness here serves the purpose of probing each other's attitude, and she knows that. watch how she reacts. does she immediately focus back on her phone? she's not interested in you. is she facing the same direction as before? neutral, maybe she's just distracted, maybe not. closer to your direction than before? interested. facing the other side? definitely not interested

8. if you're lucky enough, she'll ask you about whatever it is that you're reading / playing / etc. if she doesn't, then she may or may not be expecting you to ask her the same kind of thing. ask her something trivial and innocuous. something that doesn't call for follow-up, but which could lead to a conversation that you'd be interested in. "is that the latest ds? -- yes -- cool" is probably okay (it's sort of a niche thing, and it implies certain things about the person playing and the person asking about it). "is that the latest iphone?" is probably not okay (it's just a phone. everybody has one, and there's nothing potentially personal about it). be ready to pretend you only wanted to know about that one specific detail in case she gives you a terse response and doesn't look all that excited about the topic

9. if you're still following any step-by-step routine by this point, abort mission. things are not going well!

and if that's too much for you, and you're too afraid that a plausible failure will actually bring you down too much, then let her be and let it go, and just talk to someone when / where you already feel comfortable instead

btw i'm saying "girl" here, but actually i think all of this applies equally or almost equally to both sexes

Yes, and I think some users here are not much in touch with reality and live in their own bubble fantasy world.

well i don't know if you're including me in your list of users out of touch with reality, but if you've ever stayed in a hostel, you'll probably know that i'm being actually too conservative with my suggested approach if that kind of context would be something you'd have in mind. there are places that are meant for socialization with strangers (hostels being a typically extreme case), and there are places that are not (yep, public transit, not a good a idea)

if you still think that it's never acceptable to cautiously and respectfully approach strangers in a situation similar to the one the op described, then you sound kinda paranoid to me, really

It was not in a hostel, in a hostel communication is inevitable because you are sharing accommodation with others.

In OP's case it was in a hotel's lounge; not a place meant for socializing really, it is often a quiet place.

Not paranoia, it's logic.

not my point, and you know that


that depends on the hotel. you can't make that assumption. and just a second ago wasn't it unacceptable to approach strangers under any circumstances anyway? you're just looking for the most negative angle you can find

whether it applies to the exact situation the op is talking about isn't even relevant, because the situation is already over anyway

Hostel is not really an open public space, anagram.

I haven't seen it happening in any hotel's louge, honestly.


One time I see it happened when I shared jacuzzi with strangers (no nudity, you perv minds).... the old couple turned out to be the parents of an acquaintance.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 26 Jul 2016, 4:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Why is it a problem to listen to women? Why is it a problem to realize they are all different? Just because you fail at something doesn't make you a failure as a person. It's okay if you approach someone and they're not interested. If you're approaching a woman out of interest in her as an individual, she will probably react well. If you're approaching with some technique and belief that you should disregard what any women say, then I'm going to guess any woman's response will not be good if she has self-respect.

When people categorize or stereotype men, I typically don't see myself in their descriptions. Why should I expect any woman I'm interested in to do the same?

neither is a lounge


"therefore it's not possible in any hotel, anywhere in the world, ever". you see what you're doing? you're sounding just like aspie1. you've never seen it work the way you would want it to, therefore it should never be attempted by anyone ever, and for some reason you take it as your duty to dissuade them

my essential point with all that step-by-step approach thing in practice isn't even to say what anyone should or should not do in any particular situation. it's more of a way to analyze if it makes sense to even consider approaching someone to begin with. the short version being:

if you're going to approach anyone anywhere, there should be reason to believe that they're voluntarily and specifically unaccompanied in a place where they'll be potentially meeting strangers, but you should never trust your assumption anyway, and you should make sure, at all times, that the person feels in control to end any social interaction with you, at any moment if they decide to, for any reason or no reason at all

and that's about it

Ok fine, go talk to strangers, tell us what happens.

well some of them have asked to add me on facebook. i'm not on facebook though

anyway, don't worry, i'll let you know the next time someone calls the police on me or blinds me with pepper spray

They add you on facebook and then they never message you first or interact with you, nor they intend to meet you again - so déjà vu for me.