I broke up with my aspie boyfriend...could I have done more?

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It sounds like you dodged a bullet. Aspie or not, that guy's behaviour is that of a jerk and you should not settle for someone who treats you like that. Ask for better treatment than that from the guys you date, whether they are on the spectrum or not. That's my advice.

HelpMeUnderstand:

I believe you invested a lot of yourself in this man, and that you felt like it would go better than it did. I can understand your disappointment at it not going according to plan.

I don't think you were foolish for "falling" for this man. You had a good reason to. He seemed the fulfillment of your dreams.

But I believe the breakup was inevitable, based upon what was going on, and that you really couldn't do anything to prevent it. He was treating you like dirt, and you have too much pride to take it.

Yours was the proper reaction; you don't want to let somebody treat you like that.

It seemed like this man wouldn't budge at anything; he was so stubborn!

There's only so much a person can do.

To be fair, I'm thinking of one promise in particular. I gently reminded him that he hadn't followed through, and he promised to by a certain date and it didn't happen. I mentioned it several times more and he said he didn't want to do anything out of guilt. This really hurt because it seemed like it was more important for him to feel right about it first than keeping his word and helping me to trust his integrity. Just to be clear this promise had nothing to do with marriage or anything of that nature. It was something he volunteered to do for me and never did it.



If I told him I had some feelings about something and he didn't like them or understand them (especially if they were hurt feelings), he would say, "I think it's all in your head." I see what you're saying about it coming off as white noise, it explains a lot.




He took it well, almost too well. I know this is because he respected my decision. He did not express any sadness or remorse, which is exactly what I expected too.



Maybe you're right, but I broke up with him precisely because I knew I could not change him. I'm saying this now in the aftermath because in spite of how much I was hurt, I still recognize his great qualities and have a vision for the man he will become in the future as he grows and matures, not fundamentally changing who he is.



Thank you for this. It's given me something to reflect on further. Maybe I did have a preconception of what his "trying" should have looked like and I didn't see it. You have a great deal of knowledge and awareness about the aspie mind. Has this insight been the result of careful study or your own personal reflections? I would like to know more if you wouldn't mind directing me to a reliable source to conduct more research on this topic.



Thank you, Wolfram87, for taking the time to construct such a thoughtful and insightful response. I'm grateful for it.

Last edited by HelpMeUnderstand on 25 Jul 2016, 7:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Keep in mind that while Apies are different from Normal People, we can also be quite different from each other. What might be a challenge to one Aspie might be incredibly boring to another, just like many people can't enjoy the finest wine or sushi.

One problem I've had is with time--how long does a baseball game take? When I was young I'd routinely work on stuff until I was finished--sort of like how long a baseball game takes to complete. Sometimes it would take a really long time--just like some baseball games take more than 12 innings.

You are very welcome.




Now I don't know the specifics about this situation, but what comes to mind to me is something along these lines: you say you need something done, he volunteers to do it for you because he thinks it's expected of him, even though it's probably something he does not want to do, or even doubts his ability to do. With time, his aversion to do the thing grows, and he's torn between loyalty to you ("I promised") and his own aversion ("I really don't want to"). Since this thing has a "do by"-date, that adds an extra dimension of stress, and when you prod him about doing the thing, the guilt he already feels about not yet having done the thing is compounded by your reminding him of that fact. Stress and guilt overflows, and he lashes out in anger, and uses your "guilting him" as an escape from actually having to do what he didn't want to do in the first place. Most of this is, of course, internal processes, which makes him look like an a**hole and leaves you confused and hurt.





That could mean one of two opposite things, in my submission. Either he felt that the relationship had been petering out or even been over for some time now, and either he hadn't broken it up mostly from force of habit (that famous aspie aversion to change.) and/or was simply waiting for you to do it, or he ramped up the stoicism specifically because the breakup actually hurt him deeply, and he didn't want to appear vulnerable until he could be alone to process it. Though, since you mentioned him pursuing other women since the breakup, I'm leaning towards the former.




Think of it this way; a breakup is a learning experience. In a way, you may have contributed towards him becoming his future self, whoever that may be.




You're quite welcome, and I'm glad to see you both accepting critique and seeking understanding.

That's just it; unless you learn to read minds, you're not likely to see anything until he's processed it sufficiently to put it into some tentative practice. "Autism" comes from the greek "autos" (self) and "-ismos" (a state or action), so the term itself refers to a state of almost compulsive introspection/introversion/ inward...ness.



I'd have to say yes to both. I spend a lot of time inside an aspie mind. It has its ups and downs, but I find it to be a net positive ultimately because of how analytical it is, meaning I can use my aspie mind to learn more about the aspie mind as described, analyzed and theorized by both other aspies and various professionals.

I love learning.




Obviously, no two aspies are exactly alike, but there are definitely recurring trends. Temple Grandin is an aspie woman who's written a few books based on her personal experiences. Not quite as universal as she seems to think, though (not all aspies think exclusively in pictures). Tony Attwood is widely regarded as more or less the go-to guy for aspie questions, though I personally find him annoyingly optimistic, but maybe I'm just a grumpy cynic. Simon Baron-Cohen has a number of interesting books and hypotheses. Never listen to anything put out by Autism Speaks.


hope that helped, I'm off for the range

I am married 12 years now to an Aspie although we are only in the beginning phases of him perhaps considering that he might have Aspergers. I can tell you that if you are on the more emotional need of the spectrum you will live a lifetime of unfulfilled needs. If my husband decides I am the target of his focus you feel specia but that is short lived. He had never been able to show appropriate emotional support during time of crisis; death in family, sick child, job issues, etc. the children and I are on our own for any emotional support. It's been a very very hard marriage living emotionally alone essentially. Perhaps others have better experiences.

Hi Yellowccliff5,

I'm so sorry for the emotional loneliness you're experiencing in your marriage. Do you have any special methods you use to cope? And also help your children get these core needs met? I know that while I was dating my ex-boyfriend, I spent a lot of time with close girlfriends and family to get these needs met in other ways. I also spent time in prayer with God and journaling so I could wrestle through any distressing emotions. I know all of us, aspie or not, have limitations in our ability to meet the needs of others, so I find being close to other family and a supportive community are helpful either way. My heart goes out to you, my friend. Please let me know if you'd like to connect outside of this thread and talk more.

Wow thank you for your response. I think one of my problems is that I am very independent and think I can handle all this by myself.i can't. I have a nice group of girl friends and support but I have found that when you are married most people think your husband is there for you when you are sick or sad or lonely. Not the case for me. I love him but see only a lonely existence and stressful future for our kids. I often think what will happen when we are old and need to truly take care of each other?

Thanks for the support. I am glad I found this site and will begin to use it.

That's kind of the reason why NTs and NDs should avoid each others. NTs have needs to share and discuss their emotions, NDs don't. NDs have a lot of needs to be alone, while NTs typically don't.

Hi rdos,

Aspies are in the minority so even practically speaking it would be unwise for NTs and Aspies to avoid each other especially if Aspies want to be married. Secondly, there are some cases of successful NT/Aspie marriages when both parties are willing to do their part to make it work, whatever that means for that particular couple. You are fortunate to have found a partner who works well with you, but I think it's more constructive to look for solutions and build bridges between NTs and Aspies instead of giving up altogether. I think there is much we can learn from each other.

To rdos regarding emotion and aspies: There are some neurodiverse/ASD people who do feel a need to share/discuss emotions, be more affectionate, though, as there are some emotional ASD people and not just the "logical, unemotional" type, which is somewhat of a stereotype.

I happen to be diagnosed ASD yet I'm of the more emotional type (maybe because I'm female, artistic brain instead of mathematical brain, have had life experiences that have sensitized /oversensitized me, etc,). I do need need time alone but when I emotionally attach to a partner I seem to actually get in fact a bit clingy to that person, rather than still insist on quite as much alone time even though I still need some.

There are some variations among us; thus, it may not always be unworkable for an NT to be with an ND.

But, this does not apply to all "ND's"/"NT's". The theory you pose doesn't apply to me, anyway. I am an AS/HFA. I feel and express my emotions with intensity. If I am not consistently aware of my emotions, they can overtake me. I feel and express excitement, joy and love, intensely. I must make a concerted effort to keep my emotions contained. Did you know that this can be a feature of Autism? Just as, many on the spectrum possess alexithymic traits, there are those who present with hightened emotions/emotional responses to various stimuli.

I, too, have recently parted ways with someone who is in my heart and means so much to me, and he is an Aspie, as well. Wolfram87's responses to HelpMeUnderstand have been most profound for me to read. I have only learned, in recent weeks, and, particularly from Wolfram's posts, here, what has possibly transpired and caused the fall of our friendship. I did not understand. I wanted him to help me understand more about him and his needs and desires. I care very much for him, and he brought immense happiness to my life. I wanted to know how I could effectively contribute to our interactions, as I would, at times, be met with his displeasure of me, and respectively, find myself becoming nervous and anxious as a result, which would perpetuate the cyle and lead to the eventual end of our friendship. I now find myself with deep regret. I don't know if there is any way to undo what I have done, or, to reestablish our friendship with a new understanding and perspective, as things now, stand.

Britte, yes this is me too -- very intense emotions, and expressive of them (struggle to quell them, lol!) all my life, and this is my particular manifestation of my ASD, also.

BirdInFlight, we must have posted at the same time, as your post hadn't appeared to be there, previously. It is nice to come across others who experience life in similar ways!

Yes, I'm relieved to see someone else post about having strong emotions too -- I sometimes feel alone among the beautifully cool, calm heads around here, lol!

There are a lot of very "collected" aspies and I often feel bad or (even misdiagnosed!) for being an emotional type!

Not true for all NDs I know I certainly have needs to share and discuss emotions not like all the time, but yeah I experience them and certainly feel the need to express it. Also whilst I do find some alone time for recharging and what not to be useful I certainly don't have the need to be alone a lot, that is unpleasant to me.

Perhaps you don't need to discuss your emotions and need to be alone a lot, but you shouldn't describe us all that way because it's not true.