Complicated! Is he into me? Sex issues?

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I just thought of this:

And I hope I don't come across as being judgemental or interrogative.

Because I think what I am asking is for feelings which I find to be pretty "normal" in women.

1. Are you fascinated by this Aspie person's intelligence?

2. Do you feel the desire to introduce him to the "ways of the world"?

3. Do you want to "heal" him in some way?


In "Rain Man," there was a scene which I found quite erotic. It was the scene in the elevator where Charlie Babbitt's (Tom Cruise) girlfriend was trying to "seduce" Raymond (Dustin Hoffman).

In some small way, and definitely not precisely, I see elements of the above in your relationship between you and the Aspie person.

He is probably thinking it was just playing around, and doesn't know it's actually ok with your boyfriend if he has sex with you. You'd probably have to outright ask him if he's interested in sexual relations with you and tell him directly that there would be no problem with that on your boyfriends end. Though also be clear what your intent is...I mean do you want them both as boyfriends? or would this friend basically just be a friend with benefits while you remain with your boyfriend.

Thank you for the questions! I see them as helpful tools that of which are helping me work out my own feelings/thoughts.

I think that I could answer yes to those questions, but only in an "I've felt like you do before (I think) and I want to help" kind of way. We have lots of similar behaviors, his brig much more prevelant. More like, "I can hold your hand through this and be there for you, but I'm not trying to change you - because I truly appreciate who you are."

I give off a "motherly" sort of vibe, but my intentions aren't to "mother" him either.

I may have to watch that movie now!

Sweetleef, do you think it's too late for that? He's probably thought about this since we left and has probably decided whatever he's going to decide about it. Is there any changing that? What if he's made up his mind that he doesn't want this, would bringing it up overwhelm him and possibly push him further away or do you think it might be therapeutic/beneficial for us to discuss?

The movie really is not the same thing. Though the scene is definitely erotic.

Raymond was much less "functional" than this guy is.

"Rain Man" is really a great movie.

But, perhaps the movie "Adam" (though Adam, the protagonist might be less "functioning" than this guy as well), which also has erotic scenes (though nothing explicit) might offer more insightful material.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 01 Sep 2016, 4:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

And yes kraftie, his mind is equal parts of, if not more of, the attraction than the physical.

I'll definitely watch that and will update here about my thoughts! I wonder if it will provide any clarity as to whether or not my friend may be on the spectrum, and if so, possibly offer some understanding as to how I should approach this/how he may approach this

What would happen if you fell for the Aspie guy, and you didn't want to see the other guy any more?

I see this possibly happening, too.

And I wouldn't mention anything about autism, Asperger's or the Spectrum with him, unless he brings it up.

There's that possibility, too. I could see it, but I just don't know because I don't know what it would really be like to have a sexual/romantic relationship with him at all.

I'd have to give up A LOT to run off with him though, which means it'd have to be even greater love than what I already have (which I'm not ruling out, but finding something like what I have now would be very hard to walk away from.)

It's hard for me to sit here and wonder though!

Yep...it's a quandary many people go through.

Listen to Mary Wells' "Two Lovers." Though it's actually about two sides of one "lover," it depicts, well, the conflicting emotions of women who go through this.

And I wouldn't! He briefly mentioned last weekend that he could see himself having aspergers (it's so mild that I can't fully assume), but that was all he said so I didn't try to create a conversation of it

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Having a habit of Reading Into Things, I suspect the issue here is that you know you could fall hard for Mr Aspish (indeed from what you say, it's obviously well under way), and that you very much want to.

As to Mr Aspish, I would assume that, while he has taken a liking to you (you're surely well aware of this and don't actually need us to tell you so), he doesn't want to be involved with you in the context of your present relationship. I think he was enticed by the idea, the fantasy, but that when it threatened to become real, it was a turn off. I don't think one needs to invoke 'sex issues' to think Mr Aspish could well fancy you, but doesn't want to sleep with his friend's girlfriend who'll then go and give a report on it to said friend.

So the question would be, should/could you leave your boyfriend for, and likely commit to, Mr Aspish. The ultimate cuckold relationship - one where the boyfriend is entirely excluded from any intimacy. The sled teeter-totters at the top of the hill, and all that you need for the dizzying thrill to begin is Mr Aspish to give a confirming nudge.

If any of this rings true, don't wait for that nudge. Don't wait to be certain you've another boyfriend to jump to before leaving your present one.

Wow, you've thrown me for a loop!

I certainly don't doubt that I could fall for "Mr. Aspish" (I quite like that term, by the way). But does that mean I should let myself do that? While I have a boyfriend that I truly do love and can see myself spending forever with? The throw away isn't worth it. My current relationship isn't actually lacking anything, therefor it's hard to reason with leaving him...

Side note: his interest in me is still questionable, which makes all of this much more difficult to decipher.

I don't think there's much to decipher on Mr Aspish's part. I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary to fancy a friend's girlfriend but not want to get involved in their open/cuckold relationship. Seems pretty sensible, really.

I wouldn't take Mr Aspish's not getting involved to be a sign of disinterest. You and your boyfriend may be fine with it, and Mr Aspish may be okay being flirty with you both and the idea in general, but the actuality of such a thing may simply not be for him. Throw in the possibility that he's a virgin, and I don't find it hard to suppose that, while he's flattered and entertains the fantasy, going through with it is not for him.

I think Mr Aspish is interested in you. I don't doubt he'd be very keen to have sex with you. That's not the problem here. If you weren't with a boyfriend, and weren't showing interest in that context, I don't doubt you could have something going on with Mr Aspish. That, I think, is the problem. You 'want' Mr Aspish in the context of your present relationship with your boyfriend. Mr Aspish is not available in this context, but may be available in the one where you leave your boyfriend. I'm guessing that that is what is troubling you here.

What I think does need deciphering: Are you normally so concerned with whether men other than your boyfriend take an interest in you, or is there something special in the case of Mr Aspish? Why is his interest of such concern to you?

Last edited by Hopper on 02 Sep 2016, 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I focus on his interest in me because what I do now somewhat depends on that.

BUT, I also think maybe it's best for me to try to put this in the past.

I don't want to risk him becoming uncomfortable and I'm afraid that if this becomes more of a topic, and what you said proves to be the case, then that is what will happen!

I worry that this has all confused him and he may act different around us in the future, but then again he didn't really show any extreme signs of distress or change in behavior after this happened (the next day).

Really I don't have a clue what he's thought of it since then, though. Maybe he's not thinking about it all. It could've all just been a joke to him, and his jestures were just out of fun!

Wonder what his response would've been if I took him up on that offer to shower with him... Would he have said "ahh I wasn't serious!" Or have gone with it? I suppose ill never know!!

P.S. Thanks again to each of you for your responses! You've all been really helpful, and have surely influenced my perspective on this situation for the better!