How to encourage proper communication

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Is it because you can't tap into that side or because you think it's not "manly"?

I think it's both, your personality doesn't develop isolated from society's influences, especially when you were a child.

Feeling emotions has nothing to do with a desire to DISCUSS them.

It works because I have a superior sense of intuition (compared to NTs) in relation to NDs, and also in relation to science and nature. So, in essence, the claim that NDs have terrible intuition is the dumbest thing I've heard in a while.

If you just stop believing in pop-theories of NDs and start to discover things for yourself, you might come up with better ways to relate to other NDs than talking about emotions and using logic all the time. I'd get tired of a partner with those preferences pretty fast.

You'd be surprised how many witches and wizards are NDs. It's a lot more likely to find an ND among those than among scientists.

Lidsmichelle, are you saying that either you, your BF, or both of you are terrible at reading others? I don't have an ASD diagnosis, but I thought I'd jump in, since I'm one of those people who isn't good at reading subtlety in any form.

Since I suck at intuition, I would always feel misunderstood or confused if I tried to date a guy who wasn't good at some form of emotional expression. Somehow, some way, I'd want to feel like we mostly had an idea of what the other was feeling. It wouldn't have to be constant, and I wouldn't look for complex emotional communication every day, but frequently enough to avoid an emotional mystery. I'm not a good detective like that.

So, how do we increase our intuition and communication? I don't know how else to bring out emotional communication other than to ask for it directly. "How are you feeling today?" or "How do you feel about ABC?" Or asking clarifying questions when the person answers.

Many NDs probably believe they have poor intuition because they cannot read NTs, but reading NTs and NDs have nothing in common. There is no general "people skill" that works with both NTs and NDs, rather some people can easily communicate with and read NTs (the majority) while some can easily read NDs (a minority). If you have no history of being friends or in relationships with NDs, you don't even know that you can easily read NDs.



You cannot. All you can do is to discover it, and who you can easily relate to.



It's easy to see how an ND feels. Just look at the stims.

I think he is referring to RPG games.

I hope so...

I find reading NTs pretty easy, though mostly at a distance - it's a lot harder to read them and respond to them. I think a lot of ND people make for what I think of as 'natural psychologists', as a countermeasure to lacking the intuitive grasp that what is said is not always, or all of, what is meant.

As to 'reading' NDs, I've not found it any easier than NTs in terms of 'intuition' or 'people skills'. At least half the time, what I've taken to be 'intuition' was actually just projection. As with NTs, I still need to analyse and theorise, or just plain ask for clarification.



I have two outward stims, one if which might not even count as such. That is pacing. I do this if I'm agitated. It can be good or bad agitated. I can be excitedly, enjoyably thinking, or I can be pacing in anxiety.

The other is rapidly tapping the middle fingers of my right hand against the palm. I sometimes do this if I'm indecisive.

All other are inward, mental stims. As a form of body language, my behaviour can be observed and connected to other signs of a given state. If someone spends enough time with me, they may come to recognise other giveaways. Again, this is common body language observation, not a particular ND intuition.

The main ND in my life has one outward stim. I know what that is related to because she's told me. I didn't have a clue when I first saw it, and it took her a fair while to observe and understand it herself.

If someone wants to know what I'm feeling, I'd sooner they just ask me. I might not know the answer, or I might not want to answer, but I'd still sooner they just asked.

As I've said before rdos, I think you way overestimate the (f)actuality and application of your theories.

A common gender difference is that women want to change guys but they stay the same.
Guys want women to stay exactly the same but they change.

There are exceptions--someone posted on this forum that they wanted their guy to continue dressing in T-shirts, but he insists on wearing clothes that reflect the higher status that he has earned.

Yeah, you really can't just go by stims. Nor would it actually even cover things that are more complex anyways. My boyfriend hardly stims in ways I notice. I have really obvious stims but I don't think he notices most of them because he's known me for years and probably just sees them as normal behavior for me.

But yeah no I want to actually verbally communicate with my boyfriend, not rely on caveman tricks.

He does vastly overestimate his theory - my boyfriend and two best friends and myself as aspies and I can't magically read them any better than non aspies. Honestly non aspies have become easier to read through learning, and I can read them better than my boyfriend.

One theory is that his behavior is influenced by gender stereotypes. If that is the case, being more flexible may encourage the behavior you want.

When you write like that, you are not doing it the right way. NTs do not observe other NTs behavior and know what it means. They just get the whole thing served for them without any conscious observation or analysis. It works the same for NDs. I have no idea why I just "know" that an ND is sad or happy. I just know it in a split second.



Intuition is when you get things served for you without any conscious effort. It's not intuition when an ND learns to interpret NT facial expressions. That's hard work and logic.



I'm sure you have more. You just don't notice it, or maybe they are suppressed so are not so noticeable.



I disagree. I don't need any training time with NDs. My intuition with NDs works on first sight.

rdos - then you can intuit NDs. I, despite also being ND, cannot intuit NDs any more than I can NTs (nevermind that I don't think the world of human behaviour and experience can be so neatly and cleanly divided).

To be clear, I know what 'intuition' means in this context. I have learned to 'read' people - NT and ND - through necessity, a mix of conscious and semi-conscious observation and analysis. Some of that 'reading' has now become reflexive, in the same way that starting out playing guitar took a lot of conscious effort but now it is as though my fingers just know where to go and what to do with the minimal of intentional effort from me. But a lot of it still takes conscious effort. It's why face-to-face communication can be so tiring for me.

If I spend enough time with anyone - NT or ND - I come to know the shorthand for their various states. The type of smile, and how long it is held for, intonation and diction in speaking, how they hold themselves etc etc. But I think this is common enough amongst most people - NT or ND. Spend enough time around someone, and you learn (if only subconsciously) what various things indicate.

As to stimming - no, that's it for physical ones, and nor do I suppress them. When I learned about stimming, I was hard pushed to think of any I had. Those I mentioned are it. There are some mental ones, but seeing as its only me who is aware I'm doing such things (at best, those with me might notice I appear distracted or daydreaming), there's not much to give away there.

I have no reason to doubt you can intuit NDs as you say. My point is, I cannot. Just as I have no reason to doubt your ND courtship ritual worked for you, but held no appeal or interest for me. And as with that, I would advise you to take note of what the NDs here say about not having any particular ND 'intuition', rather than waving away their lack of recognition of your ways and theories as a result of their being 'neurotypical'.

The courtship ritual only worked because we both had innate ND intuition, so it is of course related.

Yes, I realize that some NDs / Aspies here might not be able to use ND intuition, but there is one complication: ND intuition only works if you are able to drop your learned adaptations to NTs. If you keep those around NDs, you will be trying to interpret them according to NT rules, or try to use the same mechanical learning with NDs, which will fail.

So just people saying they cannot do it actually is not evidence that they wouldn't be able to do it if they approached it properly (IOW, used their NT adaptations only with NTs).