Parents won't quit bugging me about dating/getting married?

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kraftiekortie
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06 Sep 2016, 9:34 am

I still don't have even the inklings of a kid at age 55.

My mother says it's not too late, though LOL



ThisAdamGuy
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06 Sep 2016, 9:39 am

One of the things that really bugs me is how he's all but guaranteeing I'll get married someday. "Just about everyone does, Adam," he keeps telling me. The idea that I might be one of the ones who doesn't seems completely lost on him. It's like, he's making promises on something he has absolutely no authority or ability to keep. Do I want someone to love me? Absolutely. I practically obsess about it sometimes. but I know there's too many things wrong with me for any woman with any sort of standards to accept me as the one they'll spend the rest of their lives with. Why isn't my dad able to see that? I don't like talking bad about him, but he's got absolutely no problem pointing out all my other flaws and things I do wrong, so why is it thing one particular thing that he suddenly becomes my own personal cheerleader?

And for the record, my brother (technically half brother) adopted six culturally diverse kids before having one of his own. But he also lives in Florida, and we live in Arkansas, so he's lucky to get to see them every other year.

He also makes six figures teaching as a professor at a university, runs a foster care agency in his spare time, plays in a band, his wife could pass as a supermodel, and he himself looks like a male model. I think I definitely got the short end of the stick in the "cool" genes :P


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Last edited by ThisAdamGuy on 06 Sep 2016, 9:44 am, edited 2 times in total.

Jacoby
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06 Sep 2016, 9:40 am

I think he's just trying to reassure you and make you feel better.



Spiderpig
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06 Sep 2016, 10:15 am

Indeed, just about everyone does, which means everyone does except those who don’t.


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lostonearth35
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06 Sep 2016, 10:24 am

My parents have never bothered me about this. They just want me to be happy doing what I want and not what they want.



Aspie1
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06 Sep 2016, 11:39 am

With me being 33 and childfree (not the same as childless), almost my entire family has given up on asking me about marriage/children, let alone convincing me to actually go through with that. The only family member who still does this is my grandmother. Her heart is in the right place, but man oh man, she goes about it totally the wrong way! Every single time.

For instance, she talks about the "beauty of love", while telling me that in a long-term relationship, my interest don't matter at all (!), only "feelings" matter. Which effectively scares me out of ever entering a romantic relationship of any kind. After all, why would I be dumb enough to engage in something where I'll be subhuman? I tried to explain that to her, but as an elderly person deeply set in her ways, she didn't understand what I was talking about.

Needless to say, with "beauty of love" like that, my single lifestyle seems even more desirable in comparison.



Sweetleaf
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06 Sep 2016, 1:05 pm

Drawyer wrote:
You will be freed from the problem if you create a fake temporary girlfriend until you meet the right girl. This temporary could turn out to be for years tho lol. (damn.. this is my story.) It's a mean way but chronic stress damages your brain functions so in the long run it will be worth lying for your parents' sake as well as your mental health (since any parents would be hurt if they realized that their bugging actually never helped but even harmed to son's entering a relationship.) But if you live with your parents, they would know you're lying..so in that circumstances you may simply reduce your encounters with family members by staying out of the house as many hours as possible.



Wouldn't making up an imaginary girlfriend to convince your family or friends you have one when you really don't also cause some chronic stress.


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Kiriae
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06 Sep 2016, 1:20 pm

When he is telling you you are going to get married eventually because everyone does - don't fight it. The more you fight it now, the more you will feel like you were in the wrong if it actually happens and the more your dad's happy face will hurt.
I was like "I will never get a boyfriend or girlfriend because I don't want one" when I was 18 and "It's impossible for me to get a boyfriend nor girlfriend" when I was 23. Currently I am like "I will get a boyfriend or girlfriend if I happen to met a right person" and I am not dealing very well with the fact I was wrong when I was 18 and I actually dated a guy before and tried to date a girl and introducing them to my father was embarrassing like hell because of his "I knew it" attitude.



Claradoon
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06 Sep 2016, 2:50 pm

Lost Cause Dept.: My mother lived to be 89yo. When we went through her things, we found, in the middle drawer of her dresser, on the left, on top, my First Communion veil. She once said that she was keeping it for me to wear at my wedding. I never married.



Aspie1
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06 Sep 2016, 3:34 pm

Claradoon wrote:
Lost Cause Dept.: My mother lived to be 89yo. When we went through her things, we found, in the middle drawer of her dresser, on the left, on top, my First Communion veil. She once said that she was keeping it for me to wear at my wedding. I never married.
I found this post a bit tragic to read :cry:, like an unfulfilled dream of sorts. But at the same time, you are not in the wrong. The life you're living is ultimately yours and not your parents', living or deceased. If you still don't plan to marry but have a sister, you can pass the veil along to her. This way, it can still serve its rightful purpose; if not for you, then for your sister or her daughter (your niece).



Claradoon
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06 Sep 2016, 7:13 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Claradoon wrote:
Lost Cause Dept.: My mother lived to be 89yo. When we went through her things, we found, in the middle drawer of her dresser, on the left, on top, my First Communion veil. She once said that she was keeping it for me to wear at my wedding. I never married.
I found this post a bit tragic to read :cry:, like an unfulfilled dream of sorts. But at the same time, you are not in the wrong. The life you're living is ultimately yours and not your parents', living or deceased. If you still don't plan to marry but have a sister, you can pass the veil along to her. This way, it can still serve its rightful purpose; if not for you, then for your sister or her daughter (your niece).

Oh I am so sorry to have made you feel sad. I hated it when I wore it at 6yo and have absolutely no use for it since. Mothers do foolish and sentimental things, so I put it in that category but I always knew we'd throw it out. I yanked it off my head when I walked out the door of the church, thinking we were finished. But no! I had to put the blame fool *agonizing* thing back on for Uncle John to take pictures. It was the pointy ends of the headband that stuck so hard into my head, just above my ears, that I still joke that I'm a dummy because it pierced my brain. I'm kidding, but it's to give you an idea of how much I loathe it. It was very pretty and I was in agony. Smile!

The unfulfilled dream was Mom's but she didn't nag. Me and Sis are both in our 60s. The next generation is all boys. Throwing out the veil was a moment of gratification.

We do have a baptismal dress (unisex) made by my Grandmother in 1914 and worn by all the babies ever since.



Aspie1
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06 Sep 2016, 9:52 pm

Claradoon wrote:
Oh I am so sorry to have made you feel sad. I hated it when I wore it at 6yo and have absolutely no use for it since. Mothers do foolish and sentimental things, so I put it in that category but I always knew we'd throw it out.
It has to do with my grandmother, who's now very old, and still trying to talk me into getting married. I know she refuses to accept the fact that it never happen. (Other family members, of all ages, already fully made peace with that fact, and even joke about it at times.) She even offered to fix me up with her neighbors' granddaughters. I vehemently refused. Because it has many problems, not limited to the following.

1) Those granddaughters quite possibly want marriage, rather than a person to love/marry; BIG difference.
2) She knows too little about my interests, at least nothing she can relate to, and won't match me with a compatible lady.
3) She believes that my passions/interests/hobbies in a relationship don't matter, only "feelings" do.
4) She will evaluate my blind dates on their willingness to get married quickly, rather than on their compatibility with me.
5) She is not aware of today's discriminatory divorce laws, that will ruin a man both financially and emotionally.
6) I am not attracted to the type of home-oriented, "wholesome" type of woman she wants me to marry.
7) There's the issue of Red Pill/MGTOW that someone from the Silent Generation won't understand.

So in the end, it becomes a moral dilemma of standing my ground and looking like a stubborn Millennial, and surrendering to my grandmother's wishes and sacrificing my happiness. So far, I'm sticking with the former.



sly279
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06 Sep 2016, 10:36 pm

Non of my family or friends think I'm good enough for women.so ie ever experienced this. At least they think you should be able to find someone and want you to.



Jono
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07 Sep 2016, 8:35 am

Chronos wrote:
ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Over the past year or so, I've noticed that my dad's been making a lot of comments about me finding "the right woman", dating her, getting married, having kids, etc. Sometimes they're serious inquiries ("So, you like any of your female coworkers?"), other times he's joking ("Hey, your brother's already given me seven grandkids. When are you gonna start catching up?"). I know he isn't trying to hurt me, but lately I've been finding those comments to be really depressing. Like, yeah Dad, just keep pointing out how I've never had a girlfriend, okay? It's not like I don't want one, and I haven't tried to get one, or anything like that. And I've explained to him several times that I seriously doubt that will ever change. I don't fit in around here. I like writing books and playing video games, and everyone else likes hunting, fishing, rolling in the mud, and watching FEEWWWTBAAALLLLL!!1! Plus, I'm pretty screwed up in the head, so no self-respecting woman will put up with me beyond a first date. And yet, all Dad ever says is, "Bet you're wrong!" or "Almost everyone gets married, Adam." Geez... Dad, I know you're trying to encourage me, but all you're doing so showing how little you actually know me.

Anyway, yeah, it depresses me. A lot. I've never been good at letting comments roll off my back, as people say. Anyone know how to, you know, NOT be depressed by people constantly pointing out how single you are? Or a (polite, non-family-tearing-apart) way to make them stop?


Could it be that he doesn't so much care whether or not you are dating anyone, or get married, but that perhaps he is wondering if you are gay and is trying to prompt you to come out to him?


I doubt it. When parents do that, it's usually because they want grand kids.



Jono
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07 Sep 2016, 8:38 am

sly279 wrote:
Non of my family or friends think I'm good enough for women.so ie ever experienced this. At least they think you should be able to find someone and want you to.


Nobody asks me about that either. However, don't worry about what they think, just try to look for someone yourself. Even if they don't ask you about whether you'll find a girlfriend, you can still ask them advice.



JackBruns
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07 Sep 2016, 9:59 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Over the past year or so, I've noticed that my dad's been making a lot of comments about me finding "the right woman", dating her, getting married, having kids, etc. Sometimes they're serious inquiries ("So, you like any of your female coworkers?"), other times he's joking ("Hey, your brother's already given me seven grandkids. When are you gonna start catching up?"). I know he isn't trying to hurt me, but lately I've been finding those comments to be really depressing. Like, yeah Dad, just keep pointing out how I've never had a girlfriend, okay? It's not like I don't want one, and I haven't tried to get one, or anything like that. And I've explained to him several times that I seriously doubt that will ever change. I don't fit in around here. I like writing books and playing video games, and everyone else likes hunting, fishing, rolling in the mud, and watching FEEWWWTBAAALLLLL!!1! Plus, I'm pretty screwed up in the head, so no self-respecting woman will put up with me beyond a first date. And yet, all Dad ever says is, "Bet you're wrong!" or "Almost everyone gets married, Adam." Geez... Dad, I know you're trying to encourage me, but all you're doing so showing how little you actually know me.

Anyway, yeah, it depresses me. A lot. I've never been good at letting comments roll off my back, as people say. Anyone know how to, you know, NOT be depressed by people constantly pointing out how single you are? Or a (polite, non-family-tearing-apart) way to make them stop?


Your dad a baby boomer? Their generation had the unusual marker of having more women than men as compared to Gen x or millenials. I get the same thing.