Why are aspies pessimistic about relationships?

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No woman has ever shown even the slightest bit of interest in me, plus I do badly with people in general, so it's not overly pessimistic to assume that I'm not really cut out for relationships.

I'll be more optimistic when I have evidence to suggest my beliefs are unfounded.

As for the guy you're chasing after, if he's anything like me he'll need a lot of genuine time spent with him before he'll trust you and believe you're into him. That means no flirting with other guys at all, or he'll think you're interested in them, not him. Don't try to rush things or he'll get overloaded with conflicting emotions and just shut down.

To answer the OP's question succinctly - jaded by bitter experience, perhaps?

Jacoby, you have made good points regarding hedonism but you must realize that a society that requires people to fit a certain phenotype is flawed by nature because it is oppressive to people that do not fit that phenotype. People think of the past as a golden age without realizing that they did not have the same media exposure that we have with modern technology, injustices were swept under the rug to create the image of a perfect society.

People who do not marry or have a children in China before a certain age are shamed and in some cases, they are exiled from speaking to their family in certain cases.

honestly i just wish i could stop thinking of my ex. at this point, a relationship would mostly serve that purpose. if something else can serve that purpose instead, then, as far as i'm concerned, all the better. my faith in people is scant at this point. i've long thought of myself as a good judge of character, but i'm not so sure of it anymore, and i'm little disappointed in myself for it. there are dimensions to human character that i haven't been aware of, and i've overthought things that should be learned otherwise

i really believe that there's much more choice involved in how we deal with things than people will usually realize. but wanting intimacy is something that i just seem to be aware of 24/7, regardless of choice. puberty flipped the switch and then it never switched off again. if it weren't so prevalent in the species, it would be classified as a serious mental illness in itself. right now i'm trying to "channel it" into motivation to take good care of my physical health, which reflects on my mental health

when i bought this computer i'm using right now and got rid of my old one, the main thing i noticed about it was that i didn't think about it when i was using it. that was the main feature, because with my old one i was always thinking of all the things that were wrong with it. not anymore. every time i do stop to think about this computer, i marvel at how awesome it is and how it's probably going to last forever as long as i take good care of it, which i instinctively do. but most of the time i simply don't think about it, and it's just silently contributing to my daily life

i digress. but not really . because that's the holy grail. it's easy with a computer, but i'm not sure if it's possible with a person. whoever proves me wrong at that will surely make me smile

I gave up trying for a woman 45 years ago. Going through what I went through, (being beaten up by one girl gang, having another girl gang trying to get in my pants, verbal abuse by a third girl gang, plus my parent's low opinion of anyone I would bring home), is it any wonder I have issues with PTSD and maintaining relationships with anyone?

Personally despite my youth I already feel delayed despite 2 short term relationships.

My previous experience matters little to me, though some girls and women very well may judge a guy for being a virgin unfortunately, though hopefully this s a rare.

I don't think only aspie men struggle to be single. Most 'forever alone' forums tend to be clogged with men compared to women.

The one and only real reason is 24/7/365 loneliness and my depression being caused by loneliness. I would not become clingy as I never was in the past, just insecure and always wondering id be dumped, because even if i did not worry, i would be dumped out of nowhere. Its happened 3 times.

Before anyone says I should seek friendships first I have always seeked both new friends and a girlfriend simulraneously.

To put it simply our experiences have taught us that we are not desirable to the vast majority of the female population. It doesn't matter how early or late you start if all of your experiences with romance have been completely negative with no hope of improving your chances for the next time you are not going to consider dating and the like in a positive light. You can bring up examples and suggestions all you like but at the end of the day a person will value their personal experience over anything anyone else tells them.

Also the excuses, suggestions, and platitudes that many aspie men deal with are downright insulting simply by showing them the person has no clue and doesn't give a crap about their situation. I've seen people on this forum throw out ideas like moving somewhere else or finding someone with similar interests. This might seem like good advice but consider the situation of the person they're talking to. If that person isn't in a position to move or doesn't really have people in the area that share his interests that kind of advice can come off as blithely dismissive.

To answer OP:

You seem to ask three questions. One is pessimistic about relationships. The second is pessimistic about their prospects in a relationship, though these could possibly be folded into one. The third is pessimistic about their prospects of getting a relationship.

There will be overlaps (there's only so much variety in human experience. It's why immortality would be tedious. 'Narrative fatigue', as Glenn Duncan has it), but any answers will be personal. That said, I think Bustduster's succinct response covers much of it.

But to take their point in a narrower sense, it seems to me that many on here are bitter before experience. So, jaded by bitter inexperience, too. T'was ever thus, perhaps. Ambivalence: anyone who can satisfy you can also (will also) frustrate you. As Adam Phillips observes, 'it is ineluctable. It's structural'.

Personally, I'm almost surprised to find myself an optimist. Or, maybe a pessimist after all, but a happy-go-lucky one.

I'm pessimistic about finding someone I'm attracted to, someone I could really make a go of something with. I'm optimistic about getting into a relationship when I do (it's almost axiomatic that, if I want to get into a relationship with someone, I can. Most likely because I'm drawn to the like-minded). I'm fretful about my effect on/contribution to the dynamics of a relationship once in one. I suppose experience (and subsequent reflection) has given me a more realistic idea of myself and both what I want and what I'm capable of, which has left me feeling freer and more assured, and an understanding of what needs to change (situationally and personally) before I can really go looking.

As to advice, there's been some good stuff already here, but I'd really need some more data before putting anything forward.

I believe the best way to become involved in a relationship, all in all, is to befriend the person first.

Within the progress of the friendship, it's quite possible that at least one person might feel the desire for "more." Hopefully, the other person feels that desire for "more" at the same time.

This is the ideal situation within the inception of relationships. But it's somewhat of a crapshoot.

But this is not always the case. Relationships can happen under the auspices of Serendipity.

They can just "happen." Women feel attraction for men, and vice versa, for many reasons other than the "usual" reasons.

I've been attracted, for example, to quirks in women which are, objectively, awkward.

To be honest, I was never a member of any great "network."

I'm on the Spectrum, too, and I really have difficulty "networking." I'm a pretty odd person, really--though I make an effort to dress okay, and not to stand out in a hygiene sense.

Basically, I've met most of my friends within a work context, or in places like Greenwich Village, where "odd" people congregate. Also: being a college student late in life has helped me out, too.

But I do see what you mean: it's difficulty for people on the Spectrum to meet other people in general, which makes it more difficult to form relationships.

But, like you say, never give up the ghost.