Break-up advice

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I want to be friendly with him, I don't know if I want to be close friends that hang out etc.. It takes a lot of energy for me to do that and I have a lot of interests that take up much of my time; I haven't had friends since school, and whilst I would like some I'm not looking (that sounds awful doesn't it ).

He doesn't know I'm asexual and I don't think he wants a sexless relationship (he's indicated otherwise while flirting ); either way I would rather not broach the subject of my asexuality with him. I would love to have a platonic relationship with somebody as you describe, but I feel that my asexuality is more taboo than my autism, and since I work with this guy (and although I trust him) I would not feel confident in telling him I am asexual. It's the sort of thing people are weird about . Besides, I wouldn't want him to hold on to a relationship like that anyway, since he is a sexual person; it wouldn't be fair I don't think.

If you know he's sexual, then you should probably break up with him.

I don't find asexuality to be "taboo" necessarily. I find, more often, that it is not believed.

Most people cannot conceive of a person who has no sexual desire. Asexuality is an alien concept with most people.

However, amongst younger people, variations upon the normal "sexual theme" is more tolerated. There is gay marriage now, for example. The concept of "gay marriage" was absolutely inconceivable a generation ago. Three generations ago, homosexuality was even illegal in many Western nations.

Especially in academic, progressive circles, I would say that asexuality is not considered such an alien concept.

Hm, aren't women traditionally very much expected to be asexual, only putting out for their rightful husbands because they owe it to them, and otherwise ostracized as sluts?

Yes I'm pretty certain he's sexual, and I will actually get round to breaking up with him when I get home at the end of this week. Perhaps 'taboo' wasn't the right word to use; I just mean that people can ostracise or mock you for it, or, as you say, they might flat out not believe you. If I had met him socially I wouldn't mind, but since we met through work I'd rather not tell him and risk a) him treating me weirdly or b) him telling other people. I don't think he would but I'd rather not take the risk.

I know all too well that asexuality is alien to many, what makes it harder is that I'm not totally unromantic; reconciling the two is very difficult compared to normal relationships. I'm sure if I were studying away or something and lived in a proper academic environment, I might come across more open-minded or flexible relationship scenarios. I'm studying from home at the moment and my town is very small, so I don't think I've got a chance of finding a workable platonic relationship just now.

In future this situation has taught me to just put my cards on the table straight away if I like a person. That way if I do find somebody who thinks the way I do (or can understand the way I think), we'll stand a much better chance. I know I'd have to be lucky to find such a person, but I won't give up totally



Ah yes, the traditional view... where a woman's sexuality is kind of 'activated' by marriage. Tradition is great isn't it .

When you feel romantic, Rachel, do you feel anything in your body?

It doesn't have to be sexual. It can be a "good feeling."

You're right, the person you are seeing is probably sexual---but I wonder if he'd accept a romantic relationship without sex.

If I fell in love with an asexual but romantic person, I feel I would be able to restrain myself from desiring sex with that person, provided I was allowed to go somewhere in private and release my sexual tension (not with another person).

I get the feeling these sorts of relationships happened in history, too.

See, Kraftie, that's what makes you an awesome person! I am the same way. As I stated before, even when I wasn't sure where my boyfriend was, in regards to this topic, that if he fell into this category, I would still stay, because when you love someone enough, that's just what you do. don't give up Rachel. There are plenty more Asexual people on and off the spectrum, and it's more common now more than it use to be. I have ran into a few in quite a few circles I've been in over the last year alone. I hope that helps, and gives you some encouragement.

Both of you are awesome people!

It's hard to describe how I experience a romantic feeling kraftie. It's just sort of 'good', like I've 'clicked' with the other person and I want them to feel the same way about me. I tend to like people with whom I can find some common ground, or otherwise see behind their mask (I think everybody, NT or ND, has a mask to some extent). Hmm, I feel I'm not describing it very well . It's different to finding a friend, it's more exciting than that.

I suppose it's possible he would accept a romantic relationship without sex, but in this instance I don't think he's 'in love' with me or anything, just that he really likes me. As I understand it there's a distinct difference between the two emotions. If we were in such a relationship then of course I'd accept his need to release sexual tension; I expect this will be a part of any relationship I manage to find in the future. As I say, I won't give up, but I think I should just let this relationship go; it's a lot to ask of a young, sexual guy who so far presumes that I'm sexual too.

Thank you so much both of you for your advice, it helps so much to have people to talk to !

I thought about this question a lot today. If it’s OK I think I need to have a little rant to get my thoughts straight.

I know that nobody I know thinks I’m ‘perfect’, but I try very hard (with some success) to appear as put-together as possible. This is why ballet appeals to me so much; on the inside I might be exhausted or in pain, but on the outside I have to maintain a veneer of grace and control.

I have lots of positives (some of them directly related to my autism), but I also have a lot of negatives. I let the positives show, and try to hide the negatives away. When a man likes me romantically but only compliments the elements of my ‘mask’, I eventually realise (after initially considering the romance) that they don’t know me at all. I then feel it’s too late to drop the act with them, too hard to let them in; we don’t have a connection. What I really want is someone I can show my faults to, someone who can tell when I need help, without me having to ask or explain myself. Part of the reason I feel so lonely is that nobody I talk to really knows me; I want somebody to know me. Nobody has in a long time.

But how can you tell when you find the right person to share your flaws with, as well as your positive side? How do you know? I feel like it has to be somebody who can already see through your mask; in the past there have been a few people who took the time to get to know me, and I could tell they had seen some of the stuff I was trying to hide. They didn’t mind, they still liked me. They could see vulnerabilities but I didn’t feel threatened, I felt relieved. That was when I’d found somebody I liked.

It’s not that I think I’m not worthy of love or of being understood. Contrary to all my talk of my negative side, I would say I have pretty high self-esteem. But I have a real problem with the gap between worlds – my world and the world of other people – and when I want to reach out it’s too far, or too late, or I feel I’m exposing too much of myself and exposing a weakness.

When I feel romantic towards a person, I feel safe, and relieved, and excited (but nervous) that they understand me enough to see beyond my mask. Some people see quiet, intelligent, creative, focussed, but the few people I really felt something for also saw my complex matrix of paradoxes. I am tough/vulnerable, romantic/asexual, composed/confused, etc. In other words, and to reuse my ballet allegory, most people see my performance, but the guys I have felt romantically for see the work I’m putting in to maintain it. If they can see that, I might start to be myself, and the freedom to be myself is a rarity I would equate to romantic feeling.

Count yourself fortunate that you could do ballet

And I don't mean that in a bad way.

I feel ballet is a special gift.


Do you feel that this present person only sees the "mask," and not the "real you"?

I've always wanted to get a know a girl who was into something like ballet.

I once knew a woman, the mother of one of my high school friends, who was a dancer in an international troupe. Then, she married a dentist and spent the rest of her life as a housewife.

Ha, it's a gift but you have to work at it .

I think this present person is very well-intentioned, and he does want to see behind the mask, but he can't do it naturally and that makes it very difficult for me. When I told him about my autism, he said he wanted "every part of me: happy, sad, angry, crazy", which is admirable, but I feel he cannot naturally detect those nuances in my character. I have real trouble expressing myself emotionally so I can't see myself in a relationship where I have to explain my emotional state to my partner. I know this makes me sound very picky, but then one is supposed to be picky when finding a romantic connection. In the past I have known a few people who could decode me and help me when I was shut-down, confused or depressed, so I know such guys are out there; one had his own issues that I think helped us to click.

It is very hard to explain how I am feeling to a NT guy, especially as I feel my predominant moods are 'depressed' and 'afraid'; heavy stuff to lay on another person, even when they say they want it. He doesn't know what he's getting himself into



Ballet is very suited to HFA I think, lots of control, repetition etc.. It makes me feel at home.
That is a big deal for a woman to give up her career like that! I hope she was happy, but I'm sure she must have missed dancing.

I sense that she was burned-out, and wanted a change.

In my mind, though, I wish she would have stuck it out. I had a crush on her...admittedly, the "artistic" part of her, when I was quite young.

Yes, I am aware that much work is required in ballet.

Let me ask you this: If you find that the guy is able to understand you fully, do you feel like you could, conceivably, have a sexual relationship? I can understand it if you really don't know, because this is not something that somebody could anticipate.

I sometimes feel that some people who are asexual just haven't found that "almost perfect" person yet.

As regards the sexual relationship: I don't know absolutely for sure, but I strongly suspect I could not be in a sexual relationship. One boy I liked in college did understand me (he knew I was different, recognised depression, eating disorder, general difficulties in navigating the world) and was sexual. We held hands and hugged; I don't like hugging but I liked being held by him, I felt safe and understood. But I could never go further, he tried to kiss me and I couldn't do it, I don't know why. We were friends afterwards because he got that I was complicated and that I didn't even understand myself, but I was upset not to be able to kiss or be sexual with him at the time.

This leads me to believe that, in my case at least, it's not a question of finding an 'almost perfect' person; the issue lies within me, and I don't know if I can fix it. Nowadays I don't want to so much, because I've accepted who I am, but it has been distressing to feel sexually separate from someone I feel romantically connected to.

Do you plan on pursuing ballet professionally?

As far as sexuality/asexuality is concerned, I'm not sure there's anything that's necessarily "broken" within an asexual person.

I would love to but I think I came to it too late. I didn't start until I was 18, I wish I'd found it sooner because it just felt like coming home. I practice very regularly but I know it's not an option professionally, all of my acquaintances with professional offers have been dancing since childhood



Not "broken", just as my autism doesn't make me "broken", but different from the norm in a way that makes it difficult for me to pursue the normal course of action.

Do you feel like you have a definite career path in mind?

I certainly didn't when I was your age. I certainly wasn't as intelligent as you are now!

Nothing definite, but I'm starting to think about it as I get closer to the end of my degree. In a perfect world I would be a writer, fine artist or film director, or just being an academic forever . In real terms though, no, I still have a lot of thinking to do on that one! Possibly something in intelligence, since I love puzzles and languages, but I don't know.



I'm sure you were! , but in any case I don't feel my intelligence gives me any advantage in affairs of the heart or social spheres .