Moving at her pace?
Regardless of whether you excuse such behaviour, the outcome will be much the same for OP in the long run - he is in a relationship where his social and physical needs are not fulfilled, and as a result he feels his feelings aren't reciprocated. At this point it doesn't really matter why she is behaving like this (though of course he can try to empathise); he just has to figure out if it will always be like this between them, and decide if he wants to break up or continue.
The traditional girlfriend/boyfriend relationship doesn't suit all people. It seems OP wants this but maybe the girl doesn't suit this kind of social bond. Since this is her first relationship she's likely still figuring out what works for her.
I know traditional dating doesn't work for me; I would need something quite different.
She hasn't even given him the privilege of at least hearing her say "I had a fun night with you tonight, I'd love to spend time with you again soon".
She doesn't have to passionately shout from the rooftops or smother him with kisses, but she has to give him some evidence this is more than just a friendship eventually.
But she is autistic so may not realise how to show it
I can understand the physical part.
But what I wouldn't digest is the other issue he talked about: Reciprocating in initiating conversations/texts doesn't require only a NT mind though, It is the logical thing to do for someone you care for; in fact it should be coming as a natural and unthinkable thing.
AS is not an excuse here, unless she's a classical autistic in that case it's a different story here but I highly doubt she is one from what he described.
This is a sign of lack of caring and attraction toward the guy, in my opinion, whether it is related to AS or not. He is supposed to be her boyfriend, no? Not some stranger guy who he just talking to her; this should be past the 'hard to get' part in case she is playing it.
This is all weird.
But forgetting to reply and not know how to read social situations is all part of autism. we all have different symptoms and these are hers. You could say that I 'dont care' about my fiance but that simply isn't the case. I just struggle with the social side of understanding when to and what to text and forget.
Also females with autism do often present different symptoms than autistic males
All this is understandable, neglect or whatever.....but there's a limit for everything, if the neglect is too extreme then, yeah, I would take this as non interest at face value.
You can't neglect someone totally and indefinitely and still claiming that you love and care for this person.
Let's say the guy dies for instance..... he crashed into a car and he is DEAD - so normally he disappears, so months would pass without even occurring to her, as the guy's girlfriend, to attempt texting him just to check on him?
And we would still justify this because of some female-Autism symptoms rather than lack of interest?
Come on now
As Racheypie666 said normal relationships dont suit all people and i agree the OP shouldnt have to suffer if their needs dont meet. However we all sit here asking people to make allowances for our disabilities when sometimes we dont make allowances for others.
I'm not saying the OP should stay in an unhappy relationship but I think he should have all the info to make his own decision
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
About 3 years ago, I have dated someone like this is for like five months If I recall right, she always replied (with short words) and she always said yes to every date/plan - we went out many times, but she never initiated anything ever, no call, no text, no message...nothing, never initiated interaction at all.
One time I got very sick for days incapable to do anything and normally stopped communication with her days, but yet nothing was received from her part- and when I messaged her again after regaining my health she was like "Hi, how are you?" ....as if she didn't notice that I have disappeared suddenly for days.
I saw her only one time after that and decided to stop initiating anything unless she does sometimes.....to this day she didn't.
She was not an AS but this was an abnormal relationship nevertheless.
One time I got very sick for days incapable to do anything and normally stopped communication with her days, but yet nothing was received from her part- and when I messaged her again after regaining my health she was like "Hi, how are you?" ....as if she didn't notice that I have disappeared suddenly for days.
I saw her only one time after that and decided to stop initiating anything unless she does sometimes.....to this day she didn't.
She was not an AS but this was an abnormal relationship nevertheless.
I would send you a text that said "Well hello, shnuggely woogely Boo Bear."
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
One time I got very sick for days incapable to do anything and normally stopped communication with her days, but yet nothing was received from her part- and when I messaged her again after regaining my health she was like "Hi, how are you?" ....as if she didn't notice that I have disappeared suddenly for days.
I saw her only one time after that and decided to stop initiating anything unless she does sometimes.....to this day she didn't.
She was not an AS but this was an abnormal relationship nevertheless.
I would send you a text that said "Well hello, shnuggely woogely Boo Bear."
I would be like:
"Who is that creep?" *shivers*
*Block*
*Block*
*Block*
One time I got very sick for days incapable to do anything and normally stopped communication with her days, but yet nothing was received from her part- and when I messaged her again after regaining my health she was like "Hi, how are you?" ....as if she didn't notice that I have disappeared suddenly for days.
I saw her only one time after that and decided to stop initiating anything unless she does sometimes.....to this day she didn't.
She was not an AS but this was an abnormal relationship nevertheless.
I would send you a text that said "Well hello, shnuggely woogely Boo Bear."
I would be like:
"Who is that creep?" *shivers*
*Block*
*Block*
*Block*
Maybe she tried to flirt with you but you called her a creep and blocked her.
...
She was not an AS but this was an abnormal relationship nevertheless.
Anyway, your description, as well as the OP's, reminds me of my first girlfriend (at age 18). I put into the relationship way more than she did. I did all the planning, all the phone calls, and all the romantic gestures. Although there was one difference: planning a date with her was like pulling teeth. Our first date was at a touristy river promenade, where she didn't want to do any fun rides, stationary or on a boat. She also didn't want to do anything fun for our later dates, like try new restaurants or explore new neighborhoods in my city. The only things she wanted to do was hang out on campus (college), and a few times we walked over a few blocks to eat at some American diner (which, obviously, was pretty banal, comparable to how a falafel restaurant might be for you). That and go to the Spring Dance together, after a lot of convincing on my part.
With all the proverbial roadblocks I kept running into, I didn't even feel confident enough to escalate phyiscally. I was flabbergasted how she refused to even check out an art gallery, located 20 minutes away by city bus, for crying out loud! (Driving her wasn't an option, because I didn't have a car, but she said she didn't care.) This knocked down the little confidence I had, so even trying to kiss her didn't seem possible. The most I did was hold her hand and hug her.
I put up with it long enough to attend the Spring Dance (an event at my college) with her as my date, because I didn't think anyone else would like me. She wasn't a fun date there, either: she didn't want to dance in an embrace with me. (Ironically, a girl I'm just friends with now totally presses into me when we dance together.) After that, I completely ghosted my girlfriend (before that term even existed), effectively breaking up with her. Our interactions past that were limited to passing hellos.
One time I got very sick for days incapable to do anything and normally stopped communication with her days, but yet nothing was received from her part- and when I messaged her again after regaining my health she was like "Hi, how are you?" ....as if she didn't notice that I have disappeared suddenly for days.
I saw her only one time after that and decided to stop initiating anything unless she does sometimes.....to this day she didn't.
She was not an AS but this was an abnormal relationship nevertheless.
And if that doesn't work for you that's ok. I would never suggest that someone would stay in an unhappy relationship but that is one situation.
I am similar to racheypie666 in that it's out of mind but I wouldn't leave it for weeks (although I often do with friends). We don't know the frequency of their chats or dates so lets not jump the gun
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
One time I got very sick for days incapable to do anything and normally stopped communication with her days, but yet nothing was received from her part- and when I messaged her again after regaining my health she was like "Hi, how are you?" ....as if she didn't notice that I have disappeared suddenly for days.
I saw her only one time after that and decided to stop initiating anything unless she does sometimes.....to this day she didn't.
She was not an AS but this was an abnormal relationship nevertheless.
I would send you a text that said "Well hello, shnuggely woogely Boo Bear."
I would be like:
"Who is that creep?" *shivers*
*Block*
*Block*
*Block*
Maybe she tried to flirt with you but you called her a creep and blocked her.
I wish this was true.
But nope, in the hypothetical scenario above, I am blocking you.
"Who is that creep?" *shivers*
*Block*
*Block*
*Block*
Maybe she tried to flirt with you but you called her a creep and blocked her.
OP: I wonder if this friend of hers is just trying to get her out there, in the dating scene. It could well be that the friend was reassuring you, "Oh yeh, yeh, she's interested, give her a go" type of thing. i.e. The girl may not be into it at all but her friend is urging her to go out there. So don't necessarily trust what her friend says, she may be trying to set you up as a couple whether it's good for the girl or not.
As Boo said, if someone is interested, they will not hesitate to communicate with you. If they're shy, and not one-sided, they'll still try.
_________________
I've left WP.
Yeah, we go on dates once a week, but like I said in one of my other threads she usually wants to cut them short. I took her out for dinner, she chose the Chinese buffet, so we were able to eat, pay, and leave in less than half an hour. Then she just wanted to go home. I finally convinced her to go mini golfing with me, but I practically had to twist her arm to do it. A week after that she just wanted to meet at the library and "talk about books." Turns out I did most of the talking because I can't hardly get her to talk at all over text or in person, and then twenty minutes later she was ready to go home. I convinced her to get ice cream, but... well, that just doesn't feel right when I have to spend ten minutes begging her to spend more time with me, you know?
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,664
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
Yeah, we go on dates once a week, but like I said in one of my other threads she usually wants to cut them short. I took her out for dinner, she chose the Chinese buffet, so we were able to eat, pay, and leave in less than half an hour. Then she just wanted to go home. I finally convinced her to go mini golfing with me, but I practically had to twist her arm to do it. A week after that she just wanted to meet at the library and "talk about books." Turns out I did most of the talking because I can't hardly get her to talk at all over text or in person, and then twenty minutes later she was ready to go home. I convinced her to get ice cream, but... well, that just doesn't feel right when I have to spend ten minutes begging her to spend more time with me, you know?
I see what you mean and it's not fair for you to have to beg for her time. I honestly think you need to be blunt with her and telling her your feelings. The worst thing would be you don't see eye to eye and you get our of an unhappy relationship. the best thing is she opens up to you and realises how you have been feeling.
Is she a social person with others or is she not used to social situations?
Honestly, we haven't bonded much at all. I met her roommate on a dating site, she said she wasn't a good match for me but she has a roommate that sounds like we'd be perfect for each other. She said she has asperger's, loves reading, writing, and playing video games-- all my favorite hobbies. So I figured, what the heck? We became friends on Facebook, met for coffee, and decided to give this a shot. And since then... nothing. We go on dates, yes, but I don't think we've talked about anything new since the very first time we met. I don't feel like we've boned at all. I'm starting to feel like either she's refusing to open up to me, or her personality is just as bland as plain oatmeal. I know she likes reading, writing, and video games, but nothing beyond that. "What's your favorite game?" "Pokemon." "Cool. What do you like about them?" *shrugs* "Who's your favorite Pokemon?" *shrugs* "Do you have a favorite author?" "No, not really." "What's your favorite book?" *shrugs*
No, she's pretty introverted. She didn't even want to go to the mall with me because there would be people she didn't know there. That would be fine with me since I'm not exactly a social butterfly either, but it's like I'm another one of those strangers. Funny thing, I actually found out we live in the same apartment complex the other day (what are the odds, right?), and when I brought it up the first thing she said was that she would never, ever come over to my apartment. And I'm not allowed at her's either. So... now what? She doesn't like being out in public, but she's too afraid to be somewhere private either.
There's one other thing I feel like I should bring up: I love to make people laugh. I'm very sarcastic, and if I'm comfortable around you I'll do everything in my power to make you laugh. And I'm pretty good at it, I think. Problem is, Kristin does not get sarcasm at all. Every joke I make goes right over her head or, even worse, offends her. I act silly in front of her, and she doesn't so much as crack a smile. I feel like that's another huge barrier between us. All my closest friends have been people I can make laugh and laugh with-- I can't imagine having a long term relationship with someone who doesn't laugh with me.
You know, the more I talk about it, the more convinced I am that this just isn't going to work out.
