Should me and my ex-GF go to couples counseling?

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Hi! My name is AngelRho (obviously I don't go by my real name on the internet). I am a musician IRL. I play keys in a regionally-famous "party band" in the Mississippi Delta, play piano for church, am interim choir director for same, teach piano lessons, and teach instrumental music at a local Catholic school. I am a conservative evangelical Christian, a Republican, live below the poverty line and like guns. I used to dabble in apologetics until anti-Christian responses got too predictable and boring. Love and relationships are a special interest of mine, and I have many long years of experience in relationships, having been in a LTR for 17 years, married for 11, and thus far successfully raising 3 kids and dodging nosy, useless social workers. I'm very pleased to meet you and hope I can be of some help.

Are we still strangers now?

It's ok, as long as you don't take candies from us.

Just curious, is she a feminist or something? Why don't you tell her to get a life and mind her own business?

No we are not strangers, now. Nice to meet you .

Well I talked to my sister more in depth about it, and she says that I should be getting a professionals opinion, she says. Maybe, I could.

As for her being a feminist, I thought maybe she wasn't one, cause a true feminist, to me anyways, would be more independent and not have a problem with the issues that we have been having. I thought maybe I was the feminist in this relationship, cause I kept trying to get her to be more independent about things.

Posting private stuff on Facebook is MUCH MUCH worse than going to friends for advice.

Your mother seems oblivious, and under this woman's spell.

Oh sorry, I meant if your mother is.

Okay thanks for the advice.

Oh I see. I am not sure if my Mother is a feminist, I guess it would depend on how it's defined.

As for why I told my sister and Mom about my relationship problems, I didn't. My girlfriend called them both and talked to them about it, wanting to explain her side and all, since she was in a good relationship with my family.

It sounds like she's trying to manipulate your family into manipulating you into getting back together with her.

The only reason why I got back into contact with her, is cause she contacted my Mom and my sister to talk about things.

My mom says that my gf seems to love me from the bottom of her heart like she says. I told her I don't know if I can get back with her, after she humiliates me to everyone on facebook, about me being abusive to her.

I mean I had to yell at her and put my foot down a few times, if that can count as abuse, cause I wouldn't let her to talk.

But my mom says that every woman gets mad and does something they regret when angry, and if I am looking for one who doesn't, it's not going to happen.

I don't think all women would do something like falsely and publicly accusing someone of abuse and chating on their boyfriend. I feel sorry for your dad.
Did you tell her about the cheating anyway?

You mean did I call her out on her cheating? Yeah, I did way back.

One thing I didn't mention before cause I was ashamed, was that basically a few months ago, me and my gf were fighting about some things, and I got some made that I slapped in the face and snapped. After that I broke down, cried and regretted it, asking her to forgive me cause I was just mad and snapped. It was basically when she told me she cheated, and I snapped cause of that along with the other problems on top of that.

So we worked it out. I felt terrible about doing it though, and wish I hadn't. I still feel ashamed of doing it and hadn't done anything like that in my life, aside from that one time.

This is why I feel guilty of leaving her. I feel so bad for doing that, that maybe her posting about me being abusive wasn't as bad as what I did, and maybe I'm the bad guy I feel.

I know it's wrong and wish to God I hadn't have done it. But since I am the bad one, now it makes me think she is not so bad, for what she did. Am I perhaps taking it too hard that she posted on social media for my family and friends to see, if I am the worse one?

Like I feel more guilty, which is why it's hard to leave her over what she did, if what I did is worse. My mom says that since what I did was wrong too, maybe I shouldn't blame her so much for airing her dirty laundry for everyone to see.

Women don't get angry and do things they regret. They calmly assess the situation and behave like adults. If you'd been dating a woman, you wouldn't be here right now.

You've been dating an immature girl. What you need is a woman.

You had you yell at her and put your foot down? Been there, done that. It IS abusive. But let's pretend for a second that it was justified. Why was there something to yell and put your foot down about in the first place? In my experience, if her behavior was causing me to behave like my dad, it's time to drop her.

There is a flip side to this, though. I think my ex fianceé had a lot of unresolved sexual tension towards her father. He was one of those yelling/screaming types, too. Probably what I SHOULD have done was take my own lashing out at her to a different level and help her realize some of her fantasies, not in actual anger but more out of role playing. I'm just not into that, though, and I never completely understood her behavior.

And I can't understand girls that think it's ok to stay with a boy who yells at them. Even if you made a case for "she deserved it" or she "had it coming," I can't understand why she wants to stay with you. For many, getting dumped is the absolute worst, so maybe it's dealing with the humiliation of a breakup you initiated. You could have been slapping her around and it wouldn't make any difference. Others might be obsessed with hanging on to their possessions. She's just just jealous in that case. She will do whatever it takes because the thought of losing the object of affection is much worse than a lifetime of verbal abuse.

I'd probably have been more successful if I'd been tougher, meaner, (not for real, I mean role-playing) and maybe even pushed her into having an open relationship. It might have been a lot of fun. But in the end that's just not me. And something about that just strikes me as psychotic.

And I don't mean to imply that you are entirely at fault, either. Some of us have a low tolerance for victim-blaming and would be quick to take your ex's side. But even then, why does she want to stay in that kind if situation? Women who find themselves trapped I would think would be grateful for an out. She shouldn't be begging your mom for another chance. That's just disturbing.

But what about me? I posted before about how I slapped her out of anger, months ago, and felt terrible about it. So I feel that I am guilty of doing the same thing she did and snapping out of anger, and doing something regretful.

Ok, I was writing my last post when yours came out. Yeah, getting physical is defo NOT GOOD.

But it confirms some of my thoughts in my last post. I think you should leave this relationship in the past before things get REAL. I know how this ends and certainly don't want to be there when it does.

Okay thanks. But my Mom and my sister are saying that I made just as big of a mistake out of anger as, she did, by posting on social media, months later after the break up, and therefore, I should see her side of it maybe, instead of writing the relationship off.

Do you think that's true now?

I mean if you told her mom that she cheated on you back then.

You slapped her when she told you that she had cheated on you, or did she tell you when you were already crying and regretting it?