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Another wasted year

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Outrider
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14 Dec 2016, 7:49 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
There we go, promoting hookers again. f*****g disgusting. What is with the people on this forum? Do you not realize how pathetic that is?


Bro, I see it all over the internet a d real life.

Lonely man complains about being romance less...

"Just get an Escort!!"

And on the more misogynistic websites?

"Just lower your standard and screw a low status woman, pump and dump. There, now stop whinning about being g a virgin."



Sweetleaf
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14 Dec 2016, 2:54 pm

Outrider wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
This year has been another wasted one in regards to finding a relationship for me.

I really tried to get out of my rut this year. I paid for speed dating as well online dating despite how my previous attempts with the latter didn't work before, called a dating agency, went to meet up events, and went to bars. I have tried a lot of the things society tells me to do and I never find a girlfriend no matter what I do. I have suffered clinical depression since 2006 and I was hoping it wouldn't go past ten years but everything is pointing to the fact that it will continue.

Earlier this year, I wondered if I should've just given up. If this year was no different from the previous year, why should the next one be any different?


Well it seems like you're putting a time limit on it, and spending too much energy trying to make it happen 'right now'...maybe obsess on it less focus on things that are going well rather than obsessing to where not having a girlfriend is the only thing happening in your life. That isn't good for you because it's making you feel like crap about yourself...and also it could make you come off as too desperate or clingy..or wanting to jump into things too fast which can be detrimental to finding that relationship.

So don't give up, just maybe put it more on the back burner and focus on some other things for a while...also instead of paid dating sites, why not the free ones? I imagine a lot of people on the paid ones are more well to do or already have an established career and are looking for fellow professional career people and such.


He's nearly 30, and has been wanting a girlfriend since 18.

He's already put it on the back burner before, and so now over a decade later and hes still singe.

Sometimes he has tried as sometimea he hasnt

Its.about time he really tries.


Based on my experience it can be helpful not to dwell too much....I didn't say not to try, but it's best not to dwell on it to the extent you view singleness as your only trait whatsoever, might make it hard to express personality and interests if he does meet someone he likes. But yeah that's just my opinion based on my experiences.


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Sweetleaf
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14 Dec 2016, 3:06 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
This year has been another wasted one in regards to finding a relationship for me.

I really tried to get out of my rut this year. I paid for speed dating as well online dating despite how my previous attempts with the latter didn't work before, called a dating agency, went to meet up events, and went to bars. I have tried a lot of the things society tells me to do and I never find a girlfriend no matter what I do. I have suffered clinical depression since 2006 and I was hoping it wouldn't go past ten years but everything is pointing to the fact that it will continue.

Earlier this year, I wondered if I should've just given up. If this year was no different from the previous year, why should the next one be any different?


Well it seems like you're putting a time limit on it, and spending too much energy trying to make it happen 'right now'...maybe obsess on it less focus on things that are going well rather than obsessing to where not having a girlfriend is the only thing happening in your life. That isn't good for you because it's making you feel like crap about yourself...and also it could make you come off as too desperate or clingy..or wanting to jump into things too fast which can be detrimental to finding that relationship.

So don't give up, just maybe put it more on the back burner and focus on some other things for a while...also instead of paid dating sites, why not the free ones? I imagine a lot of people on the paid ones are more well to do or already have an established career and are looking for fellow professional career people and such.


Why guys always get accused of wanting it "right now" (This is synonymous to "you are desperate")? You have no idea how long he was probably trying before he makes this thread - and there's nothing in his post indicates that seeking a gf is the only thing he focuses on in his life.

I see a lot of these assumptions toward guys here.

To women who make these assumptions : Don't exaggeratedly over-estimate your value in guys' lives too much, having relationships with you is never the only purpose in our lives.



I get the impression they're rushing themselves and putting a time limit on finding a relationship, which could make them come off a bit desperate. If he focuses on other things that is good, that bit of advice was for if he isn't...could easily be disregarded if it doesn't apply. I've been desperate in the past and am sure I've come off that way and it didn't serve me well in finding a relationship. Its not like some holier than thou judgment against males, just an easy thing to fall into if you're having a hard time finding someone or feel like everyone else is finding a relationship before you and you need to catch up.

Also not sure where I implied having a relationship is the only purpose in life, if anything what I said implies the contrary considering you'd have to believe there are other important things to focus on those rather than hyperfocusing on getting a relationship over everything else.

Bleh regardless my intent with my post was to offer potentially helpful advice, not sure why you have to take it so personally and make it out like I'm being some kind of judgmental jerk.


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auntblabby
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14 Dec 2016, 5:27 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Well it seems like you're putting a time limit on it, and spending too much energy trying to make it happen 'right now'

it needs to be mentioned that like women, most men have a "sell-by date" that is a hard time limit to their general attractiveness and sexual functioning/reproductive quality. old sperm generally has a lot of "blanks" in it or defectives that statistically cause a higher rate of birth defects in children. I didn't lose my v-card until I was too old [probably older than 99.999999% of other men] to function properly, and it literally was anticlimactic. too late for me. that may be [at least in part] why so many men on these forums appear to be "desperate" because they are trying to avoid a "too late" fate like mine, a most ignominious fate.



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14 Dec 2016, 9:41 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well it seems like you're putting a time limit on it, and spending too much energy trying to make it happen 'right now'

it needs to be mentioned that like women, most men have a "sell-by date" that is a hard time limit to their general attractiveness and sexual functioning/reproductive quality. old sperm generally has a lot of "blanks" in it or defectives that statistically cause a higher rate of birth defects in children. I didn't lose my v-card until I was too old [probably older than 99.999999% of other men] to function properly, and it literally was anticlimactic. too late for me. that may be [at least in part] why so many men on these forums appear to be "desperate" because they are trying to avoid a "too late" fate like mine, a most ignominious fate.


Men after 40 or so want sex less and have less stamina. Also studies show older men have increased chances of heart attacks with sex, while sex actually helps older women.

30 is too late for men unless they've gotten great paying middle class jobs



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15 Dec 2016, 1:59 pm

sly279 wrote:
Men after 40 or so want sex less a


Not true. There are times I wish my desire for sex would go down. That would make some parts of life much easier.



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15 Dec 2016, 2:39 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
This year has been another wasted one in regards to finding a relationship for me.

I really tried to get out of my rut this year. I paid for speed dating as well online dating despite how my previous attempts with the latter didn't work before, called a dating agency, went to meet up events, and went to bars. I have tried a lot of the things society tells me to do and I never find a girlfriend no matter what I do. I have suffered clinical depression since 2006 and I was hoping it wouldn't go past ten years but everything is pointing to the fact that it will continue.

Earlier this year, I wondered if I should've just given up. If this year was no different from the previous year, why should the next one be any different?


Well it seems like you're putting a time limit on it, and spending too much energy trying to make it happen 'right now'...maybe obsess on it less focus on things that are going well rather than obsessing to where not having a girlfriend is the only thing happening in your life. That isn't good for you because it's making you feel like crap about yourself...and also it could make you come off as too desperate or clingy..or wanting to jump into things too fast which can be detrimental to finding that relationship.

So don't give up, just maybe put it more on the back burner and focus on some other things for a while...also instead of paid dating sites, why not the free ones? I imagine a lot of people on the paid ones are more well to do or already have an established career and are looking for fellow professional career people and such.


Why guys always get accused of wanting it "right now" (This is synonymous to "you are desperate")? You have no idea how long he was probably trying before he makes this thread - and there's nothing in his post indicates that seeking a gf is the only thing he focuses on in his life.

I see a lot of these assumptions toward guys here.

To women who make these assumptions : Don't exaggeratedly over-estimate your value in guys' lives too much, having relationships with you is never the only purpose in our lives.



I get the impression they're rushing themselves and putting a time limit on finding a relationship, which could make them come off a bit desperate. If he focuses on other things that is good, that bit of advice was for if he isn't...could easily be disregarded if it doesn't apply. I've been desperate in the past and am sure I've come off that way and it didn't serve me well in finding a relationship. Its not like some holier than thou judgment against males, just an easy thing to fall into if you're having a hard time finding someone or feel like everyone else is finding a relationship before you and you need to catch up.

Also not sure where I implied having a relationship is the only purpose in life, if anything what I said implies the contrary considering you'd have to believe there are other important things to focus on those rather than hyperfocusing on getting a relationship over everything else.

Bleh regardless my intent with my post was to offer potentially helpful advice, not sure why you have to take it so personally and make it out like I'm being some kind of judgmental jerk.


The time limit fear comes from when I looked around at others in my late teens and it looked like everyone was dating but me. I also learned I had Aspergers and the stories from other aspies I would read online weren't very positive ones. Coupled with the clinical depression truly kicking in and how nothing in my life was going the way I wanted it to go, from hobbies to education to general friendships, I think I had a good reason to feel despondent.

There are other things in my life that make me feel depressed but finding love I will admit has hit me pretty hard. The social messages I get from the Bible Belt culture I am trapped in tell me you need to be an anti-intellectual and iron pumping alpha male to be considered relationship material. I also feel like I can't get better at my hobbies despite my passion for them and that it's the same with the girlfriend issue. I don't know if the depression is just distorting my perception of the world and I am comparing myself too much to others or if I am truly seeing the world for what it is.

I tried both free and paid dating sites. Both were unproductive and frustrating endeavors and I have no desire to go down those routes again. I am sick of the foot dragging and communication fizzling out.



Marknis
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15 Dec 2016, 3:08 pm

auntblabby wrote:
I hope the OP at least considers an escort, just to at least alleviate the maddening mystery.


I actually have lost my virginity. It's not so much the lack of sex in my life that bothers me but the fear I won't find another partner. I will admit I have desperate thoughts and that may have squandered potential oppurtunities but life can feel painfully slow and socially uneventful when you have Aspergers.



Sweetleaf
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15 Dec 2016, 6:22 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well it seems like you're putting a time limit on it, and spending too much energy trying to make it happen 'right now'

it needs to be mentioned that like women, most men have a "sell-by date" that is a hard time limit to their general attractiveness and sexual functioning/reproductive quality. old sperm generally has a lot of "blanks" in it or defectives that statistically cause a higher rate of birth defects in children. I didn't lose my v-card until I was too old [probably older than 99.999999% of other men] to function properly, and it literally was anticlimactic. too late for me. that may be [at least in part] why so many men on these forums appear to be "desperate" because they are trying to avoid a "too late" fate like mine, a most ignominious fate.


Yeah I am aware of that, but its still not a good idea for one to over-strain themselves further mentally, because I think it can create missed opportunities and make you feel like it will 'never' happen and thus you should give up. Also is early 30's really considered old? I am 26 and my boyfriends 31 I mean granted it seems like a lot of people get LTRs in their early 20's so 30's may be a bit later than most but I wouldn't really see it as like biologically running out of time per say like realistically even if it feels time is running out that is still a good few years before functioning starts declining. But yeah I am not judging people feeling like time is running out, I felt the same way myself in the past.


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15 Dec 2016, 6:29 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
This year has been another wasted one in regards to finding a relationship for me.

I really tried to get out of my rut this year. I paid for speed dating as well online dating despite how my previous attempts with the latter didn't work before, called a dating agency, went to meet up events, and went to bars. I have tried a lot of the things society tells me to do and I never find a girlfriend no matter what I do. I have suffered clinical depression since 2006 and I was hoping it wouldn't go past ten years but everything is pointing to the fact that it will continue.

Earlier this year, I wondered if I should've just given up. If this year was no different from the previous year, why should the next one be any different?


Well it seems like you're putting a time limit on it, and spending too much energy trying to make it happen 'right now'...maybe obsess on it less focus on things that are going well rather than obsessing to where not having a girlfriend is the only thing happening in your life. That isn't good for you because it's making you feel like crap about yourself...and also it could make you come off as too desperate or clingy..or wanting to jump into things too fast which can be detrimental to finding that relationship.

So don't give up, just maybe put it more on the back burner and focus on some other things for a while...also instead of paid dating sites, why not the free ones? I imagine a lot of people on the paid ones are more well to do or already have an established career and are looking for fellow professional career people and such.


Why guys always get accused of wanting it "right now" (This is synonymous to "you are desperate")? You have no idea how long he was probably trying before he makes this thread - and there's nothing in his post indicates that seeking a gf is the only thing he focuses on in his life.

I see a lot of these assumptions toward guys here.

To women who make these assumptions : Don't exaggeratedly over-estimate your value in guys' lives too much, having relationships with you is never the only purpose in our lives.



I get the impression they're rushing themselves and putting a time limit on finding a relationship, which could make them come off a bit desperate. If he focuses on other things that is good, that bit of advice was for if he isn't...could easily be disregarded if it doesn't apply. I've been desperate in the past and am sure I've come off that way and it didn't serve me well in finding a relationship. Its not like some holier than thou judgment against males, just an easy thing to fall into if you're having a hard time finding someone or feel like everyone else is finding a relationship before you and you need to catch up.

Also not sure where I implied having a relationship is the only purpose in life, if anything what I said implies the contrary considering you'd have to believe there are other important things to focus on those rather than hyperfocusing on getting a relationship over everything else.

Bleh regardless my intent with my post was to offer potentially helpful advice, not sure why you have to take it so personally and make it out like I'm being some kind of judgmental jerk.


There was no "if" in your advice, you made a certain assumption - so yeah, your post was judgmental.

And as aunty said, guys have a biological clock too.



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15 Dec 2016, 7:41 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well it seems like you're putting a time limit on it, and spending too much energy trying to make it happen 'right now'

it needs to be mentioned that like women, most men have a "sell-by date" that is a hard time limit to their general attractiveness and sexual functioning/reproductive quality. old sperm generally has a lot of "blanks" in it or defectives that statistically cause a higher rate of birth defects in children. I didn't lose my v-card until I was too old [probably older than 99.999999% of other men] to function properly, and it literally was anticlimactic. too late for me. that may be [at least in part] why so many men on these forums appear to be "desperate" because they are trying to avoid a "too late" fate like mine, a most ignominious fate.


Yeah I am aware of that, but its still not a good idea for one to over-strain themselves further mentally, because I think it can create missed opportunities and make you feel like it will 'never' happen and thus you should give up. Also is early 30's really considered old? I am 26 and my boyfriends 31 I mean granted it seems like a lot of people get LTRs in their early 20's so 30's may be a bit later than most but I wouldn't really see it as like biologically running out of time per say like realistically even if it feels time is running out that is still a good few years before functioning starts declining. But yeah I am not judging people feeling like time is running out, I felt the same way myself in the past.


I would read horror stories from aspie men as well as non-aspie shy men who would get rejected for being single in their late 20's and above because society tends to think if you hadn't dated or had sex in your teens or early 20's, something is wrong with you. I also missed out on the psychosocial moratorium and was forced into adulthood without learning how to play the dating game. I sometimes still feel like a child but I don't get the support a child would get since adults are expected to know what to do in social situations. It's made me feel like I've fallen too far behind and there are cut off ages to making friends and establishing relationships. I sometimes even feel like it's weird that I want friends and a girlfriend.



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15 Dec 2016, 9:16 pm

I'm 55, almost 56, and my desire for sex is pretty intense.

I also have a pretty good "capacity." LOL

No heart attack for me!



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15 Dec 2016, 9:38 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm 55, almost 56, and my desire for sex is pretty intense.I also have a pretty good "capacity." LOL No heart attack for me!


you are fortunate to have good genes.



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16 Dec 2016, 2:08 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
There we go, promoting hookers again. f*****g disgusting. What is with the people on this forum? Do you not realize how pathetic that is?
What would you suggest as the alternative?


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16 Dec 2016, 2:13 am

Marknis wrote:
I would read horror stories from aspie men as well as non-aspie shy men who would get rejected for being single in their late 20's and above because society tends to think if you hadn't dated or had sex in your teens or early 20's, something is wrong with you.
Yep. It happens. That reminds me of this thread.

If you're in your late 20s yet and you haven't dated girls will ask why you haven't dated in all those years. They'll wonder what repulsed all the previous girls you've encountered and figure whatever it was, it's reason enough to stay away.

Another curse for shy guys is that girls love confidence. Also girls really hate it if you're desperate. If you're desperate they start thinking you're a psycho who wants to stalk them.


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Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 16 Dec 2016, 2:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

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16 Dec 2016, 2:15 am

Outrider wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
There we go, promoting hookers again. f*****g disgusting. What is with the people on this forum? Do you not realize how pathetic that is?


Bro, I see it all over the internet a d real life.

Lonely man complains about being romance less...

"Just get an Escort!!"

And on the more misogynistic websites?

"Just lower your standard and screw a low status woman, pump and dump. There, now stop whinning about being g a virgin."


or "You are desperate" / "Don't focus only on women".