relationship issues

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Does she know you are on the spectrum? I read what your wrote twice and missed that really important information.

For instance, you wrote "my therapists." Which, I know from the way some people on the spectrum think, could exclude any people involved in couples therapy, as those people are "her no therapists." Though it does sound like couples therapy is merely a hypothetical at this point.

It is pretty clear what happened. You made significant changes for the sake of the relationship. Now you need to change back to what you what you were before. Obviously she wants the "you" she knew when you first met, not the "you" that need to change back to. A very difficult discussion is needed at this point.

It is pretty clear what happened. You made significant changes for the sake of the relationship. Now you need to change back to what you what you were before. Obviously she wants the "you" she knew when you first met, not the "you" that need to change back to. A very difficult discussion is needed at this point.

How do you think I should ask her to respect my need for sspace with out making her upset? She seems to take a lot of things personally, when I don't mean to at all. She sees any attempt to have some space, as me sabotaging our relationship. Gets mad when I'm not physically touching her ALL the time. Its burning me out

IMHO, If something seems ingrained in a person, particularly an adult, it is really really highly unlikely that they will change to any great extent. From what I've seen, people are who they are - you either can accept that if its not too bad in your opinion or you need to finish hardening your spine and take care of yourself by moving her out.

It doesn't sound like it will be easy. You need space now. Does she love you enough to let you have that space with no guarantees for the future?

I think this is partly your own fault. You cannot take the position of "the perfect man" and do everything, and then suddenly change your mind. Regardless of how the other person is, this will create a lot of tension when things change for the worse for them. At a minimum, you should expect quite some time of adjusting to this. Same with first wanting to be with her always, and then wanting your own life. Nobody will be positive to such a change, and it will create arguments and fights. In fact, you gave her the wrong idea about your preferences, which was not nice to her.

In addition to that, your jealousy cannot be solely her problem, rather it has to be partly your problem. Actually, this attitude from you will erode trust between you, which will be fatal to your relationship. Also, it is normal for women to only use makeup and perfume when with strangers or acquaintances, so there is nothing strange with that. You actually cannot provide any evidence at all that she is cheating on you, so it is possible that this is all in your mind.

I think this is partly your own fault. You cannot take the position of "the perfect man" and do everything, and then suddenly change your mind. Regardless of how the other person is, this will create a lot of tension when things change for the worse for them. At a minimum, you should expect quite some time of adjusting to this. Same with first wanting to be with her always, and then wanting your own life. Nobody will be positive to such a change, and it will create arguments and fights. In fact, you gave her the wrong idea about your preferences, which was not nice to her.

In addition to that, your jealousy cannot be solely her problem, rather it has to be partly your problem. Actually, this attitude from you will erode trust between you, which will be fatal to your relationship. Also, it is normal for women to only use makeup and perfume when with strangers or acquaintances, so there is nothing strange with that. You actually cannot provide any evidence at all that she is cheating on you, so it is possible that this is all in your mind.

I'm not gonna take all the blame though, I was wronged in some ways that still hurt me.

Either way I'm not letting any of that bother me anymore because whats done is done, I just want to move forward from here, with her knowing that I've changed and I'm probabaly different than what she thought I'd be but I'm still here for her, if she can still be there for new me, the person I had to become, for myself.....

Hey guys I'm new to this forum, well I had another username but steered away from WP awhile ago, so kinda new anyways.

I'm 30 and am engaged to a wonderful women but lately s**ts been hitting the fan quite a bit. I'm not pointing a finger here (at least not intentionly) but things were going so dam good it was almost too good to be true. We've been on and off since high school and this last time around we were much more serious, dedicated and mature so things kind of fell into place faster then I had imagined. Now two years later we are living together, and hopefully on our way to getting married.

I don't want to say I felt forced into this position but I definitely had some pressure (some very subtle pressure) put on me to put a ring on her finger. So I did, even though I was starting to have my doubts about us.

I've caught her lying to my face multiple times when I thought she was cheating on me, it was one story after another and while I was crying in disbelief that she would do that to me, she's sitting there making up new stories that just didn't add up at all. I can't say for sure she did cheat, but my stomach said she definitely had something going on.

Ever since that day I've had such a hard time believing a lot of what she says, I find my self picking apart everything she does or says in my head and it's making me go crazy. I've caught her lying about what seemed to be really stupid coincidences (and I don't believe in coincidences, if you catch my drift).

I'm afraid now that we're living together, my true me has came out and has got her second guessing our future. I feel like I tried too hard in the beginning, fooling myself and her about my true personality. I tried so hard to act "normal" and adhered to her rigid lifestyle like it was my lifeline. I became a stay-at-home-boyfriend and she loved it. Her house was always spotless dishes were always done and dinner was always hot, and I was always ready for....we'll you know

Now I've zero ambition to do much of anything. I feel like I got more than I signed up for, she even want's to have a kid, like yesterday. She's always good to me, like really good to me but I feel like it's all so she can get the attention she craves so badly. Almost like I'm being manipulated into loving her or something.

We've both been loosing sleep and fighting a lot and we're both burnt out mentally. I've lost a ton of weight, she's gained some, I've been having more frequent seizures and our pets are even acting depressed...it's horrible how it feels. I just basically put my foot down and told her I will not be lead on with leash, told her straight forward that I'm done doing things just to please you and that I want some of my personal life back....It got pretty rough after that to say the least.

She knows I get restless at night and it's really hard for me to sleep while snuggling, it's even tough to sleep on the same bed as her sometimes, because I just feel so uncomfortable....She's so good at deceiving it's crazy, literally a goddess at it. I can see though her now that I've had so long to study her, and I'm afraid I'm not compatible with what I see.

I can't handle having everything done a certain way at a certain time...I'm a just go with it and hope for the best, kinda guy and she needs everything to her way. All the decorations are what she wants up, bed time, time to wake up, what when and how much the dogs get fed, everything seems like it's her way and I've got no say in anything around here. She admits to being a control freak so that was almost reassuring knowing that she can actually admit to that but I still feel really depressed and out of control in this relationship.

Sorry for the rant but how do I get her to respect my private life and allow me to be silent and/or alone sometimes? If I can't sleep she gets really upset and lays down the guilt if I go in the living room to watch tv or write (I love to write) she even said that she is jealous of how I "shower" my dog with love and affection but am so cold with her.....well to be honest my dog doesn't lie to my face to make me feel sh***y for doing anything I might want to do, that doesn't involve her. Her insatiable appetite for attention, sex and love is just crazy, way more then I feel comfortable with....God I just feel like I'm on edge of a cliff right now, it sucks so much.

Can anyone relate to my situation or give some advice?

Thanks in advance guys and gals!

There is a saying that a relationship has to be built on trust, and I would agree with that. As far as you doing things to make her happy, and her doing things to make you happy...that is not manipulation, that's what people should do in a relationship.

That being said, I don't think your relationship is beyond salvageable. Getting married is a big change in life, and people on the spectrum tend to have difficulties with change, even when they are fine after the fact. Why don't you two go get some premarital counseling together?

People "should" do nice things for each other because they WANT to, not because they feel pressures or demands. This is easy if you actually care about someone. Not so easy if you don't.

The trouble is marriage doesn't really change who you are. People don't just change like that. I think people become blinded by emotions of love they forget who they are, promising to do what it takes to keep someone when that's not what they really want. We tend to obsess over this idealized fantasy we construct of a person and try to force her to fit that mold. When she can't be made to fit, we decide to change ourselves in order to hang on to our obsession. Ultimately we lose ourselves in the relationship and eventually struggle to figure out just who we are or who this person is we think we love.