Is there a way for me to know that my Aspie BF values me?

Post Reply New Topic

Yup - I told you that I liked you and I'll let you know if I change my mind.

In my brain, there is nothing else to mention or discuss and a person who needs to hear me validate their existence is needy..... just the way I'm wired.

Yes . .. . .. . .and I tell my friend I know I sound needy to him. His answer "you worry too much"

You're not needy. I'm tired of NT's like you (mainly women) being made to think that you're "needy". I say the other person is too "stand offish". If you don't nip this problem in the bud, you'll start to become resentful and thinking that there is something wrong with you when there is really nothing wrong with you. What's wrong is that the other person isn't willing to put any necessary effort into the friendship /relationship. I'm pretty independent and do things on my own and I couldn't even handle what it took to keep an Aspie/NT friendship together. I'm sure they thought I was too "clingy". I'm less "clingy" to them now because I didn't stick around.

@N.A.: If you actually are leaving that guy out of your life I'm sure it'll pay to stop discussing their habits. Personally I don't exactly need any social skills to see when a woman (or anybody) needs some vindication. If I presumed nothing to be wrong with me in resenting something that should be positive anyway, I know I'd be in the wrong.

I've been watching your thread for posterity & I must say I'm surprised I'm the only one (ND or NT) who intentionally & directly shows this through patience. People won't feel trust fully when decisions aren't acknowledged.

NT or not lots of people think this way & others don't. I don't mind reinforcing others' positive emotions one bit, though I still only do so earnestly when there's an immediate need; doesn't just have to be one person's feelings. I can see where this would be tiresome for some people but then again they too need the same thing at times.

I'm not too needy in other relationships and friendships but the way the interaction between NT and Aspie brain does make me needy and I'm willing to accept it . . .. . A lot of it is down to my mental state if I'm feeling low I look to others for reassurance that doesn't come from an Aspie . . .. .

I will learn to accept it and make it work for as long as we make each other smile. . .. . .. I come here because it really really does help me to understand things from his point of view.

Important thing being in my life I do have a lot of other friends I can turn to for counselling and reassurance. I get something very different from my Aspie friend. An insight into a world looked at from a different angle, and I like it

I don't get what you even said to me. I'm discussion my Aspie friends' behaviors because I've had several and none worked out. That does pertain to the topic in this thread. I can't help if you want to turn your head to the opposite direction and avoid the fact that most Aspie/NT friendships /relationships don't work out with the main reason being communication. If the subject isn't addressed, how is it to be helped? The first way is to get rid of words like "needy" that make people feel bad about themselves. I've been on two different Asperger forums discussing this topic and have had several Aspie male friends (the only woman friend I made on here is NT) so I'm not completely dumb on the subject. I'm just discussing my experiences that other NT women seem to be having otherwise this thread wouldn't exist.

Wow OK certainly not alleging dumbness in here no no

Anyway what I really mean is I think that didn't work out because anybody tends to catch on when someone's saying anything behind their back & nobody likes it. Between those five 'friends' & you there is one common theme; also simply ONE actual friend.

I understand what you're saying. However, if it didn't bother anyone then this thread wouldn't have been. There is another thread floating around here regarding the same subject.

What might also help is that there are several Aspie books on the subject and I think the movie "Adam" is good on the subject.

I know now, for myself, I need the socializing and being more "connected" which I didn't think would even be important since I'm so independent, but it is. In all of my Aspie friendships, that "connected" piece was missing. I can't explain it - one just needs to experience it for themselves.

Last edited by nurseangela on 06 Apr 2017, 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Would you please speak English? Are you saying that if a person talks about their past experiences with other people then they are talking behind their backs? I'll say all of this in front of their backs because it is true and exactly what did and what is happening.

Ok that was English but not your sentences.

From over this 'fence' I'm not really buying that movie endorsement, judging by context.

Haven't seen it, not really planning to. I'm not so pidgeonholed that the people in my life presume I never give them any thought. Kudos for being direct but sometimes that may consist of vociferous whining. If that's something you need to do, I'd let anyone on the spectrum know upfront.

See that's what I think we should all be doing; I stopped grimacing after the fact of my social weirdness years ago. Sometimes I still screw up but then I'm probably just sitting in my car hoping nobody's offended, then up goes the radio. Thus I can spend more time joking with friends. I think the NT habit of term-limiting friends is ridiculous, ask some hippies, we're not discarding anybody.

Watch the movie.

I don't think you will ever understand because you are not a woman. There are a lot of Asperger books on the subject, as well, about how NT women will not get their emotional needs met and that they should have other friends for fulfillment in that area. However, if you're in a relationship you want that person to fulfill those needs - not other girlfriends.

Just watch the movie. It's not a happy ending. The thing is if this subject isn't discussed, nothing will improve. Both NT and Aspie have to work at it and be willing to do extra things (whatever that may be) otherwise it will not work out.

Your way of thinking sounds one - sided to me. As long as she "learns to accept it" then everything will just be fine. What I see happening with this scenario is resentment.

Why resentment.? If I got nothing from the relationship I would walk away. I don't "need" a friendship for the sake of it. I stay and try to make it work because I get enjoyment from it. Our days out are always very well planned by him and he chooses places based on what he knows I like and enjoy. He will often check if I am enjoying myself and that he is not boring me. We will have fun and laughter is always present. The problems occur when we are apart. I do think it is me that just needs to accept a different way . . .. . .. he is the consistent one.

Nothing wrong with discussing the past at all, EXCEPT it shows the person discussing it is struggling to let people in the past go. I frequently do this and openly acknowledge my continued struggles. I keep hanging on partly out of being resentful and bitter, mostly out of a strong desire to never repeat past mistakes and HOPEFULLY serve as a lesson to others.

I do NOT smear people by name. I do not speak negatively about people at work unless I'm speaking directly to a superior in private. If I were dating, I'd avoid burning any relational bridges--however, I'm waaaaay past that now. And I certainly would never trash my SO around my friends. I WILL tell stories of something funny or unfortunate, or even discuss flaws IF and ONLY IF relevant to the conversation AND it's something my SO have discussed ourselves AND she feels comfortable with me sharing. Anything that makes her look bad is not up for discussion, EVER.

Do not gossip about your SO.