Not feeling (romantically) - is that an AS thing?

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I think I loose interest because an emotional connection never develops.

My love is a learned behavior of actions as a response to my partner, so I respond in a way that makes them feel good and helps them to be with me. There is no emotion or feeling behind those actions other than the possibility of trying to improve my coping method to pass as normal. Eventually after about three months things start to fall apart because the emotional connection does not develop, my partner literally does not know how I feel about her and then the insecurities from my partner really materialize. I know I attract a partner who can see that I don't feel and wants to attempt to help me feel - part of those insecurities is their sub-conscience recognizing that their efforts will not work to create an emotional connection out of this air - this is a trait of Alexithymia followers. So the not synchronizing is actually that I never feel the emotions of connection and love in the same way that my partner does.

I hope I answered your questions, fun stuff!

My current partner is NT and very much a feeler, an empath. I have told her how I do not feel and can't articulate and express that which I might feel. The nature of our relationship is one that she must now alter her expectations of connection to recognize that I will never feel, never feel the way she does feel, never feel for her in the way she feels for me - that is a tall ask towards an empath, not likely to occur without significant sacrifice and loss that will manifest itself as resentment down the road.

So I'm at a point of recognition, that NT empaths that stay with an alexithymic individual will eventually feel resentment towards themselves and their partner for basically living a life of little to no emotional connection - which I can't find fault or blame in that.

Significantly different, not broken.

This provides me with a new foundation to build upon - for one, now with the realization of being alexithymic and that it is my DNA I would never approach a relationship with a partner without first discussing the challenges. What that really means is that I need to be with a partner who is also alexithymic.

A stunning realization regarding Alexithymia:

The first time I took the online test I had a hard time wrapping my head around the questions, understanding the questions. I scored like a 134 or something. Then I started to research and understand Alexithymia, that research has provided me with enough understanding to re-take the test resulting in a significantly higher score.

My Alexithymia is so impacting - I did not have the basic understanding and vocabulary regarding emotions to accurately respond to the test questions When I took the test initially.

OK so I understand what you mean by infatuation here. Interesting how consciously you have been trying to have feelings of love. I learned early on, very quickly, that trying to force feelings is no good for me. But I do think we work a bit differently internally anyway so what I mean by trying to force feelings isn't the same as your stuff.

But yeah, not synchronizing, I have that too. Let me ask, have you ever been affected even a little by their expressions of feelings of love? Or not at all, and you are just in that "bubble" of "infatuation with the concept of discovering love"? I call it a "bubble" because it sounds like attention (and hence the possibility of feeling) is not directed on the partner but on this "concept".

(Let me know if that made sense. And yeah, fun stuff, this topic is interesting...)

Heh I wanted to ask about your score.

Yeah, I didn't understand some of the questions and just put "undecided" for those. But that answer still scores higher than for the non-alexithymic people.

If you ever detect a feeling, you don't feel it in your body either, do you? I don't.

You are correct with the word 'forced', took me a while to absorb the word and I would replace with 'generated from thin air'. It is something that I've know was missing or not there, it was a 'I don't fit in' - I think part of my infatuation was the possibility that this time around I might 'get it' and actually 'fit in'.

When my female speaks the following:
- 'I'm missing you', I have no response because I'm fine by myself and I'm not missing her
- 'I love you' 'I adore you', we have agreed that my response is now 'I know that' because she became so hurt that my "I love you' was not feeling based on my part. Her expression can overwhelm me because I did not know how to respond, that I did not feel in my response - so frequently I would not respond which is a form of shutdown

Last edited by Keigan on 06 Apr 2017, 7:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'll retake the test later today, answering based upon my new found understandings.

I feel warm moments of happiness.
I feel the weight of frustration for more than a moment as I get my arms around what is going on.
I feel an increased heart rate during moments of feeling threatened, these moments are now few and far between.
In general I am indifferent, neutral.
I feel excitement and passion for learning and understanding.
I feel grounded and connected to the world when working with my hands.
I feel comfort when fidgeting with a stim toy and I'm learning the value of the toys.

Sex is a different experience which is great, just different now and far better understood.

You sound so very similar to my friend. It is very helpful to read how you feel, think and respond. One further question of you don't mind . . . .what do you gain from your current relationship now you have passed the "infatuation" phase. What keeps you in that relationship rather than moving on to find a new "interest"?

I really struggle with understanding whether I bring any joy to my friends life now, or whether he is just too polite to walk away.

Answering questions helps me to think my way through my own definitions and expression - so thank you.

My relationship with my female is long distance and has only been in place for months. Some of her comments actually spurred some of the research as I was in a place to actually listen to her comments rather than hear criticism. Once I had my DNA sequenced the results confirm that this is the way I am wired and will not change, there is now great relief that who I am and how I cope is actually a good thing, different not wrong or broken. So all of this occurred within relationship. I'm a man, a real man, that means that change to the core does not occur on a whim, change to the core has to be thought and felt through as a core change impacts all. There is no reason to dump the relationship apple cart just yet, so there is mutual respect in understanding what I am experiencing so that adjustments that are made stay strong and have the least amount of impact on the world around me, not always easy.

This relationship will end, as it is clear that an alexithymic can't meet the emotional connection needs of an NT empath. So while things can be respectful I have someone to talk with regarding my experience and the experience of the NT interacting with me.

Certainly not my intent to repeat, I want to learn from the experience.

Infatuation is one of the strongest emotions, so if you have an infatuation, you already have the emotion of love, whether you identify it as an emotion or not.

So Keigan . . . .. is the end of the relationship something you will want because the interaction will become tedious to you . . .or are you just accepting that at some point you will not be able to give your friend the reciprocation she requires to maintain the relationship?

It is very interesting. Humans and our brain are fascinating. I do agree the more we understand each other the more we will accept each other.

Take care

I am accepting that I will never feel or be able to express what I feel in the same way she does / that she needs, in order to live a fulfilling life. Interactions have been tedious as we have worked through the hurt that she has felt based upon what I have discovered, she felt that I had deceived her and then accepted that I was only doing what I knew at the time, now I have a different foundation. She still cares as I am very unique man, though we can both see/feel that her emotional connection needs can't be met in a relationship with an alexithymic individual.

Knowing and understanding as of now, the emotional connection of an NT empath is a core need - I don't want to deny that for her long term and I don't want to look into her eyes knowing that through her eyes I will never be enough because I can't connect in the way she needs. That is taking the high road for the best interests of both individuals.

However is it not possible that she learns to get those needs fulfilled elsewhere with other friends or family and yet you retain your relationship on the basis which is manageable for you both?

I come on here to get a better understanding of my friend so I can return to him without hurt or expectations and hopefully make him feel comfortable that I understand him. I would be very sad to ever completely lose our friendship

I can't relate about wanting to fit in. For me it's more like, as I said, waiting forever for something in the relationship that does not happen. That emotional connection, infatuation, love, whatever. It's some unconscious desire for me, I think. I can't really feel it easily. I have been trying to get it to the surface recently though. Again, it's not about wanting to fit in, I sense it would be a real desire.

So, you are saying that even during your initial "infatuation with the concept" phase, you were not emotionally affected by your girlfriends? At all?

I also don't entirely relate to your reactions (or complete lack of reaction) in terms of what your girlfriend tells you about her feelings. I have/had a different problem there. Not really an issue of being overwhelmed. But instead, if I was told by a bf that they are missing me or that they love me, I used to force myself to say the same and vaguely "feel" that it's being a too forced feeling of reciprocation. A very weakly generated feeling and just forced, not real. That was just very crappy somehow. At one point I decided to never to do this again... Now the interesting part is, after that decision, I got together with an English guy, so I was not speaking to him in my native language (English is just my second language)... when he'd tell me such things I had no problem responding in English and I didn't even feel crappy like described above about it, but that guy was the "special" guy anyway. Not that I felt a lot but I did feel a little bonding so that was enough to not feel it's forced about saying the same nice things to him. (I never initiated with saying these things to him though, only did it in response if he said them.) Anyway, when he wanted me to say these things in my native language (he doesn't speak it well at all but wanted to hear it anyway), I just could not make myself do it. Too forced and blah.




Um, you actually feel a lot then despite being alexithymic, no? And apparently you do feel your emotions in your body.

But I do relate to "feeling" neutral by default. What's different with sex, I didn't understand that, if you don't mind elaborating?

Your descriptions also make me think you could additionally fit Schizoid personality disorder (SPD). Since you don't have the desire to connect in a relationship, you just think you are supposed to fit in. That to me sounds SPD and not just alexithymia. I could be totally wrong though.

Last edited by itsme82 on 06 Apr 2017, 1:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Right, agreed and respected. The difference is scope and expectations of the relationship - being friends vs. romantic.

In my case the relationship is down shifting from emotional connection based romantic relationship, to friends of good conversation and caring without the emotional connection.

Yes and I think my friendship is similar. . .. . . .i went through a period of feeling sad about that . .. . .but I still value our friendship greatly, and I do know he cares.