How to save money while dating

Post Reply New Topic

The man's wealth is not an indicator of the gold-diggerness of the woman he's dating, it's all relative. His wealth might be average or even below average and yet she still treats him like an ATM machine and expects and demands freebies from him all the time. This woman would still be considered in the 'gold-digger' category in my eyes, even if she's wealthier than him.

On other hand, a rich woman marrying a rich man and keeping their wealth separate and not demanding freebies from him is certainly not a gold-digger.
So not all women dating rich men are gold diggers, and not all women dating non-rich men are non-golddiggers.

I can write a whole book on the signs of being one and the signs of not being one lol. A woman who would date another on the first financial difficulty is certainly a gold-digger.

I emphasis on this one more again: The one trait in a mate that ALL malekind (From Pope to Kim Jong-un) agree to hate in consensus, is the gold-diggerness.

I've witnessed this parents-make-all-the-decisions girl both by once having "dated" one of them and observing others. I've not seen any case where it has gone well. The longer it goes on, the slimmer the chances the girl will decide to go with bf instead of her parents. It always ends with a conflict between the guy and the parents, and then the girl, sometimes pressured by parents, decides to end it.

I also think there is an element of gold-digging here. At least from the POV of the parents.

I love how I never before even mentioned the word gold-digger, but someone else immediately picked up on it.

That may/may not be the case here, but regardless, this relationship isn't moving in a positive direction. Did I understand this has been going on two years already?

Very few kids take this mentality anymore, but I'm teaching my own children this. When you date someone, the parents come as part of the package. This is especially important when you start talking long-term and marriage, because you're bringing both families together. I want to know who you're seeing. I want to meet his/her parents. We want to get to know them and make friends. Maybe take them out to dinner a few times. Get together for a big vacation, rent a condo. SOMETHING. Because if we're gonna be making grandchildren together, this is important.

If the OP wants to salvage this relationship, and I hope we agree this relationship is in trouble, he needs to be more buddy-buddy with the parents. Go play golf with dad, or go fishing or hunting or something. Nothing brings two men together like a good Remington 12-gauge and the smell of fresh blood...because if they can bring down a deer and not each other, they can pull together for the long-haul.

Or any type of male-bonding activity. Seriously, win over dad the first chance you get.

Don't ignore Hellen, either. Call ahead, arrange a nice dinner, and ask what you can bring or help with in the kitchen. Bring Hellen a nice fresh flower arrangement for the dinner table.

If this relationship has been going on more than a year, it's time to put a ring on it.

Here's what you're going to do: You're girl is going to be occupied somehow or another and you're going to ask Jake and Hellen if you can speak to them privately. Best if you can just get Jake, but whatever. So you say, look, I love your daughter and I'd like to be with her. And you are wonderful people and I want to be part of your family. May I have the honor of having your daughter as my wife? And show them the ring so they know you're serious.

If they say no, you're gonna need to cut your girl loose, because they're not on board and right now you need them. Don't dare tell her that, though, because it's wrong to put a girl up against her folks. DO say that while you love her, your relationship has gone as far as it can and it's time to move on. I've used that line before and I meant it, just as you will. If she wants to know more, just repeat that line, because that's all there is to say.

Breakups are an all-day thing, especially when things are good. Go do something really nice. A day at the park or zoo are excellent breakup spots. Ice cream is good. Be gentle. Soft, knit shirts are good for crying on. And just like that, once the sun goes down, it's done.

So...get in close with Jake and Hellen, put a ring on it, marry the girl, or cut her loose. Those are your two options. Good luck.

I was in a similar situation (except being treated like a child by her parents. WTF?!?). The OP has two options here: get out of it quickly or get out of it slowly and painfully. The bottom line is she will NEVER change and your resentment will reach a boiling point. Sounds like your relationship is doomed and you just don't want to admit it.

In my case, the ex lived about 40 minutes away. After a few months of driving her back and forth 5-6 days a week (she doesn't drive) I tried to put my foot down and say she needed to pay up because I was going broke. She did but used that as a hammer to beat me over the heads for how "selfish and greedy" I was. In hindsight I know it's impossible to have an adult relationship with a child and someone who lets their parents treat them this way (and accepts it) is nothing more than a child in an adult's body. I still shake my head as to how idiotic I was just as I shake my head knowing you allow the parents of a fully legal adult to interfere with you.

My wife is close to her parents but I rarely saw them when we were dating and they now treat me like their own son. If they ever tried to dictate when we could see each other back when we were dating, I would have politely told her (Mrs. GHF) to call me when she was ready to grow a backbone.

For the sake of argument, I'm assuming that the parents (Jake and Hellen) are genuinely concerned for their girl and just want to make sure she's being cared for.

They're really just looking for someone who will provide all her needs, accommodate her disabilities, and give her the same quality of life she enjoys at home. I think they might be concerned about her being sexually exploited because of her disability as well, and that is a legitimate fear with disabled people being more vulnerable. Even with the best of intentions, there might be a religious component as well, something I can personally relate to, and that's understandable.

The parents see him as a little buddy who makes her feel special and at least gives her a little taste of what normal love and dating is like. They don't like it, but they like that it seems to be good for her. When they break up, they're gonna be like, see? We told you this could happen, so maybe it's just best to not worry about this whole dating thing.

The best they're really hoping for is some sugar daddy who can do exactly what they do, perhaps more, and someone a little more like Jake. A knight in shining armor riding on a white horse. And they are well aware how unrealistic this is, hence why baby girl stays under lock and key with a chastity belt AND dentata.

The only recourse the poor peasant boy has is to win over Jake and Hellen. Win the parents, marry the girl. This relationship can't move forward any other way.

And you are absolutely right about parents like that. Nothing good can come of it. My solution, IF it succeeds at all, is the only way it can work.

Which is monumentally condescending barring severe intellectual disability on the young womans part. Or do 27 year old women not have sexual needs? Are disabled people just not allowed to have sex? Also, staying in a relationship with conditions like these for 2 years should be something of an indicator that maybe he doesn't just want another notch in his bedpost.

Also, Jake and Hellen? Is this an episode of Daria now?

My experience might be biased, but in the cases I've witnessed (and the one I was part of), it was the mother that was the problem, not the father.

In my own experience, it was the mother that didn't think we had expensive enough "habits", not the girl. She could agree that we didn't need to buy luxury stuff when we talked about it, but then after having talked to her mother, changed her mind. After a while, it became evident that her mother wanted to approve of a lot of things, and that the girl would tell her everything so she could fulfil that role. That's why I think the gold-digger perspective was important, because her mother was a gold-digger, while she probably wasn't. This was over 20 years ago, and AFAIK, this girl is still single. Also, her grandparents liked me very much and were kind of sad that it ended. I'm sure they knew why it went bad too.

In the other major case, parents decided that the girl had to live at home and that her mother had to follow her wherever she went. I'm sure it was not because she couldn't take care of herself, but because her mother couldn't let go. She "lost" two good boyfriends that way.

In neither of these two cases do I think it would have helped much to befriend the mother. Both were lost cases already from the start.

^^^This. This right here. Every single word of it. This is the good stuff. PLEASE think about this.

I know EXACTLY what this is like. I didn't quite go that far with my golddigger. But I did say just ONCE I needed her to cover the tab. You know what she did? She ordered ONE meal for both of us and literally split it. I'm like, I'm not asking to go halfsies on everything. I'm just asking to cover ONE date every now and then. I can't do everything here. That should have been my first sign of danger. I was in school and money was running out towards the end. So I let her know it might be a while before we could get together again. Next phone conversation we had she said "So I met this guy..."

My would-be mother-in-law absolutely ADORED me. My father-in-law tolerated me ok, but he was pissed that I didn't go to him first before we got engaged. When I finally DID bring it up, it changed EVERYTHING. My mom treated her (and still does) just like a daughter. My wife is nothing like the trash I used to drag home. There was one day I REALLY screwed up with my then-gf, and my mom's like, you REALLY need to do something about that NOW. So I did, and some nearly 10 years and 3 kids later we're still going strong.

Believe it or not (heck, I didn't at the time), parents really do instinctively know this stuff. I can't explain it, but I'm starting to feel it, too.

I just had "the talk" with my oldest. I wasn't ready to do this, but girls in his class are going through (ahem) "changes" and it's not good for him to be kept in the dark anymore. Meanwhile, there is a girl who is unhealthily sweet on him. Mom and I are constantly having to swat her away and inform her parents of her inappropriate behavior. She's genuinely mentally disturbed. I know mentally disturbed. I've dated mentally disturbed. She's notoriously difficult to dislodge from your life once she's in it.

Parents can make/break a relationship, and GOOD parents have killer instincts when it comes to matching you with someone. Win the parents, win the mate.

Note that this isn't the ONLY way to go. It doesn't even come with a 100% guarantee. You might meet a great person with horrible parents. Get your mate away from parents and you're gold. Generally speaking, an A+ mate with A+ parents make for the best relationship. Even better if both sets of parents hit it off.

I don't fundamentally disagree with you. I make no bones about keeping my own children under lock and key for as long as reasonably possible, they know exactly why, and as far as I'm aware they have no disabilities. But good grief, going into late 20's? If my kids haven't learned how the world works and how to handle themselves by then, I've completely failed them. As much as I hate to admit it, at a certain point, we just have to let go. There will be much cringing, but I will somehow force myself to keep my mouth shut.

But, yes, you're right. It's condescending, and I agree there might be sexual needs there. But at the same time, it might be more than just sex. It might be religiously motivated. Still...even so, she ought to be able to make those decisions on her own. With disabilities, there's always the argument that even with older adults the disability renders them incapable of LEGAL consent. There might be a reasonable argument that should the OP get her alone, he might exploit her. Wouldn't matter if she consented or not--how are WE supposed to know for sure what happened behind closed doors?

And don't forget, the OP doesn't even know what her disability is. Could be getting pregnant would kill her and they don't want to take even the remotest risk.

All assuming, of course, her parents are well-intentioned. That itself might be questionable.

Indeed. And you kinda have to feel sorry for her in that case. But the truth is you never really just marry the person. You marry the family. You feel bad for her, but short of kidnapping and moving out of the country or hardcore Elliott Rodgers-class $h¡+, there's little you can do to salvage those situations. She has to want to get away and actually take hard measures to abandon her family forever to really pull that off. Some people might be willing to do it, but most of THOSE still end up allowing their parents to meddle in their marriages.

I'm well versed in interfering with relationships. I dated a girl who primarily saw me as her ticket out of an abusive relationship. Remember, you can't get rid of Crazy. Her family had been trying to split them up for over a year, so, yeah, they LOVED me because I did what they couldn't do. Parental interference is different because it's slower and longer-lasting. Distance is your best friend when dealing with meddling in-laws. But then you're asking your mate to make a tremendous sacrifice, and that might actually be a cruel thing to do to your mate.

I hate the thought of abandoning someone more than anything else, and yes, I'd risk my life to get someone out of a bad situation. Been there, done that. But the sad fact is some people just don't want to be saved. I've got nothing for that.

Wow, so many posts to respond to. Yes, there is a religious angle, but we're all of the same religion, and neither my gf or I believe in sex before marriage. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't just be able to have a chill evening to ourselves at one of our houses. I'm also not dating with the intention of having a short fling. I do want a wife one day, but I don't currently have plans to propose to my gf, as much as she'd love me to. I guess I'm holding out for the situation to change. Also, it's clear that I don't have ill intentions so I'm not thrilled that her parents still don't trust me. Heck, I can't imagine someone with ill intentions would wait two years to act on them.

In all fairness, I do really like her parents and think they're great. They've been good to me for the most part so I don't want to portray them as the bad guys.

Tross you sound like a swell, intelligent guy so let me just say the parents MAY be sweet people, your GF may be a good friend but given what you are saying she will make an absolutely horrible wife. Basically, she sounds like the kind of person who will report back to mom and dad about what you did in the bedroom to put it politely. I liked my ex's parents too but let's just say that changed VERY quickly once I stood up to them. As AngelRho said, they really only liked me because I took her off their hands for a while. Once I "returned" her, there were not eager to "take her" back.

It's important to have good relationships with both sets of parents but you do not under any circumstances want them in your private affairs. They will not suddenly do a 180 if you put a ring on it and let's just say as a married man there are some things you and your spouse never share with anybody, ever.

To save money while dating is a good way to weed out the gold diggers as well as the entitled trophies. So, the idea has merit. I would start with introducing the idea of meeting half-way between homes, and negotiating "going Dutch" whereby one or both of you find two-for-one or other discounts, and split the costs according to ability. Be creative, learn to enjoy museums, art galleries and bowling. Done correctly, such discounts can be quite helpful and discreet while preserving the friendship. This scheme also has the benefit of complying with parental expectations. Regardless of ages, dismissing the parents is a bad move in the long run.

Oooooookay. And there it is, the religious angle. I kinda suspected that. My faith is central to my life, make no mistake. So I support you and respect your attitudes towards sex and marriage. Waiting had always been my plan. My biggest complaint with trying to reconcile faith and, well, biology is that we're forced to wait SO FREAKIN LONG to start families tbat...well, what do you do? It's unfair to us. I thought I was spending the rest of my life with this girl, and six weeks before the wedding, I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up with one of her bridesmaids. lol

Anyway, I admire you for what you're doing. I wish we all had that strength, so kudos, man!

I'm gonna shoot straight with you. When you factor in religion, your attitudes about sex and marriage, two years is WAY TOO FREAKIN LONG. Put a ring on it. Time to fish or cut bait. There's not much else to say here.

If there's some reason you don't want to marry her, it's time to break up. Read back over what I said about how to propose or break up and do whichever you feel is appropriate. Giant is dead on about what he said. Proposing to a girl won't change your situation. Won't change her, you, her parents. That much is very true. How things are now is what you can expect for the long haul. After two years, you should know by now whether she's marriageable or not. If something's holding you back, another year, another year, another year... It's not going to make any difference. You need to sit down one on one, man to man, with Jake and have a serious discussion as to whether you actually have a future with this family because you're sincerely interested in marriage. They may very well tell you to take a hike, and you'll need to be prepared for that. Read over my breakup plan and follow through. Check the weather forecast, make sure Saturday will be bright and sunny. Plan for the whole day. Break it to her mid-afternoon. Maybe she'll want to go right home, maybe she'll need more time, but you're done by sunset.

Two years...wow...

I won't lie, I mean, I'm guilty of doing that, too. I strung my wife along some 6 years. We met in college. I broke up her relationship because her bf was a jerk (she wanted out, felt trapped). I was still hung up on another girl, so it didn't last long. Then that one dumped me, so I went right back. Then I was away for a student teaching semester. Came back and got a temp job while waiting for grad school. Boss cut me loose at the beginning of summer, so moved back with mom, and then I was off to New York state. There was another relationship during that time and some minor flings on both sides. I came back home after graduation. She went back to school. I changed jobs after a year and after FINALLY proposing (after she delivered an ultimatum). She finished school, and then ran off to Mexico!! !

So she came back, relocated to my city, got her own place. We set a date and got married a year later, and I moved in.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with history, because ours has made us really tight. I'm just saying 6 months to a year of steady dating is more than plenty time to know if this is going anywhere or not. I'm ok with a year-long engagement, even, because you need that time to agree on a joint bank account, get a plan for getting rid of debt (hers and yours), figure out how far away you want to get from in-laws, church, and all that. It's a lot to think about. It's not all cakes and dresses and honeymoons.

But you have to decide, are you going to move the needle on this or keep her hanging? Fish or cut bait, man. Do the right thing by this girl.

Hmm well honestly that does not seem like a very good sign, it seems like she agrees with her parents rule and that's more important to her than trust between you and her. There is nothing her parents can legally do to stop her being alone with you if she wants to...she could choose not to listen to them on that but it doesn't seem like she is willing to do that. I mean what could they do tell her they disapprove?

Relationships with heavy parental involvement like that do not tend to work out, I mean you're dating her..not her parents. I just don't see it working out if she can't break away from her parents some, beats me why she'd want to go along with being treated like a young adolecent but...certainly doesn't seem like she is doing anything to question it or even considering how its effecting her relationship with you.

Adults with disabilities are NOT incapable of giving legal consent, unless they are severely intellectually disabled and have the mind of a young child...so no this is not always an argument when it comes to disabled adults, the vast majority of disabled adults can very much legally consent to sex.

Also if its something like pregnancy could kill her...why hasn't she told him this, or why haven't her parents brought it up? So that things can move forward safely...It sounds like they just want a little girl for ever and aren't willing to let her grow up. Also outsiders aren't supposed to know every detail that goes on behind closed doors in regards to sex ...and the parents obviously don't see him as her boyfriend if at the 2 year mark they are still suspicious he's going to sexually exploit her.