"Don't get married"

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I totally agree. I see a couple of examples in my family: for example my younger cousin got married this summer for the second time.... to her ex's best friend. To nobody's shock they apparently aren't doing well (the guy looks and acts about 12) but any objective person could see that disaster from a mile away.

I talk a lot about my crazy ex but let's face it: overall, it is more MY fault for staying with her than her being childish, semi-psychotic, etc. Don't ignore your instincts and intuition and you will be fine.

Marriage is a very useful construct if your partner gets a catastrophic illness. Do you really want relatives who don't like her to make the important decisions on her life? And, if she passes away without a will, it can get very nasty with relatives asserting their rights to what may or may not have been her property.

What is wrong with having separate bank accounts? I am in a LTR but not married...and me and my boyfriend still have seperate accounts. We do pool money and resources together, but it seems like it would get confusing if we used the same bank account for everything. I could see having like a mutual account for bills or whatever but aside from that not sure why it would be necessary to put all our income in the same account in order to share. If he gets short or I get short than we can just simply help each other out.

As for religion we aren't religious, As for in laws...I've met his parents and he's met mine we probably would not seek out living close to his parents or mine but not like there has to be a specified physical distance, not like I hate his parents or he hates mine. We enjoy sex, are on the same page of not wanting kids....and though our families seem just fine with us being a couple that's not really a factor if they hadn't we still would be together just likely having less contact with our respective parents.

IDK I think we'd be just fine if we got married, of course no church ceremony as we're actively 'not' Christians, hell I'd be fine with if we just go get it documented and don't even have a ceremony. But could be fun to find some kind of Pagan ceremony or something.

I disagree about setting aside all feelings and whims, you want to keep the feelings alive not just have the relationship turn into a business agreement and nothing more if a couple gets married.

And how long were they together before this marriage...like a week? I never understand people who just jump into that...why not see how the relationship goes for at least a year before considering marriage? And certainly at least wait till you've lived together for some time.

I'd say best to have already been intimate and had sex to...though I know some people are all about no sex till marriage, but what if you get married and then realize you have more platonic feelings than romantic feelings and the two of you don't like having sex with each other?

Last couple I met who jumped into marriage early on in their relationship were my boyfriends ex room-mates...they'd fight like screaming/yelling making each other cry fights and of course ended up being toxic to me and my boyfriend, cause they developed an issue with him wanting to spend so much time around me.

I have to wonder do these atheists usually still do a traditional christian wedding in a church? look into alternative ceremonies?...or do they typically just not have one and just sign the legal papers for it or whatever.

I think I've overemphasized the business side in the past. My position hasn't changed, I think I just need to be more clear.

The problem is married couples sometimes let the business side get in the way. Or, more likely, they can't let the business side of their single lives go after they get married. Marriage was always supposed to take a loving relationship to the next level. I own a mid-priced digital piano for gigging. I set aside money earned from gigs to buy it, and now I can play more and better gigs because I have better equipment. BUT...because I'm married, the money I set aside from gigs could have gone towards paying bills, or buying food, or paying tuition for our kids, or home improvement. It's OUR money. I explained to my wife what I was doing, and she agreed that I could actually do more with it and that the extra gig money would help. The piano paid for itself within 3 months, and the money keeps coming in. It was a good investment, and by the end of this month I will have paid off an emergency room bill just from gigs alone, all within 2 months of my youngest child breaking his face on the playground.

And all I did was buy a piano. It is not MY piano, even though I'm really the only one who uses it. It is OUR piano. Paid for with OUR money.

In order to continue teaching, I have to reinstate my teaching license. To do that, I have to finish another college course by this summer. If I don't I'll get fired. So WE took a look at how much money I'd saved up from gigs, how much we could spare from tax refund, and WE purchased a new, fully loaded MacBook Pro, plus some high quality sample libraries and other software I will need to get the best success from taking this course. I took a class last year with cheaper libraries on a vastly outdated and underperforming machine, kept my wife up all hours of the night cursing and restarting my computer, and struggled to complete projects on time and get the best grades I could. So WE agreed that taking this step would keep me employed, give me something positive and motivational to do, and possibly open up a new revenue stream if I can break into the licensing industry. It's risky, but risks/benefit analysis shows if nothing else at least I still get to keep my teaching job. And with a secure teaching license, I could be open to other, better paying options down the road.

WE agreed this would benefit US. So WE bought a new computer and $1k+ software and enrolled me in a college course because it will benefit US. Those things are OURS. Not mine. OURS.

See, it's that marrieds make a big romantic to-do of pretending to speak and think and talk "as one." Not many actually do it. The idea is to share everything in common. We can't let go of "mine" and "yours." They don't understand when you get married that owning everything in common is what you sign up for. Even the liabilities are shared. She likes to run up credit cards? You married it, buddy, so deal! You don't just marry the good parts of a person. You marry the not so good, too. If he has problems, she has problems. What you bring on yourself, you bring on your partner. I have a HUGE issue with debt. When I found out my wife put us $1.5k in the hole, I went ballistic. She knew it was coming. She let me say what I had to say and didn't say a word to me. She knew I needed the money for something and this would completely destroy something important I'd been working on for some time. But I couldn't keep that debt hanging around, so we had to sacrifice something to clear it up. The debt was gone in two months. We recovered, everything ended up just fine. [Note: what happened was purely accidental. Of course I would have freaked out, anyway. What REALLY hurt was that she hid it from me when it could have been quickly and easily resolved. We're at a new bank, different kind of checking account with EXTREMELY stringent rules. That kind of thing couldn't possibly happen again, and we're so much less stressed over money than we'd ever imagined we'd be. There are couples making over $100k who are constantly fighting over how to pay basic utilities. I can't understand these people.]

In marriage, you absolutely MUST be willing to share EVERYTHING. No exceptions. You can't go anything alone if your spouse can fix something for you. If you have a problem to deal with, ask for help and make whatever it is go away. Celebrate all the amazing stuff you accomplish as a married couple. Don't hold back money. Keep a single account. Share everything you make. Keep everything together and always check to make sure he or she is ok with a purchase just so you both can see that you're both being responsible. Don't cheat on your spouse financially.

If you are with someone who has certain problems, and this depends on the couple, whatever those problems are, you need to make sure either those problems will NOT be brought into the marriage OR if they can't be dealt with short term, that you are both prepared for long-term consequences. If you can't handle that, you need to break up. Don't get married. If you have a plan for dealing with things, you're in good shape. But for the sake of the marriage, you need to turn off the emotion chip just long enough to have an honest conversation. I can't stress enough BE HONEST, even if it means you won't like the outcome. Being "in love" doesn't mean you have a meaningful, bright future together. If that is what you want, you may find that it just won't work out. If you can agree on those things I mentioned in the earlier post, and HONESTLY agree, you probably can make a lifetime gig of it. Any one of those things can destroy a marriage. It's worth it just for a day to switch off the emotions and get real about what you have together. If you get those things together on the same page as a couple, you will be fine as marrieds.

Last edited by AngelRho on 20 Apr 2017, 5:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with Angelrho.

One thing that ive always found confusing is what's the point of romantic feelings? They only seem to lead people down the wrong path.

There's got to be some sort of aspie not connecting the dots going on in my head with this issue for me. I agree that common sense I'd needed, romance/lust/eros isn't enough. But why do I feel attracted to someone I'm pretty certain I have no future with?

I don't get all that worked up over romantic feelings. I was really overemotional as a kid, had a really awful childhood and teenage quasi-existence, and probably over time cried up all the tears I had for a lifetime. Not looking for pity, just saying it happened. So it's not very easy for me get all lovey-dovey or overly sensitive about much anymore. There are times it does happen, but for the most part I just feel emotionally numb all the time.

So I guess it's easier for me to talk the talk and walk the walk like that and not so much for others. I don't mean you CAN'T be all feelly. I just mean you can't let all your decisions be based on emotional whims. I'll usually wait one good day before I act on some braniac idea, because what seemed so awesome and grandiose right now may not actually be the best way to go. That guy you're attracted to, is very nice, and you just can't live without maaaaaay be a manipulative abuser. Your emotions don't care, because you're in loooooooove. Get to know him a bit, turn off the emotions, and you might start to see some warning signs.

Or you've been dating a year, been engaged another, and you're in loooooooove and about to spend the rest of your lives together. Never mind that little online gambling problem, because you're in loooooooooooove and love fixes EVERYTHING, right? Because you're gonna be together for-eeeeevvvvv-eeeeerrrrrr.

Or what about that supermodel-hot girl of your DREAMS you can't believe actually wants to be with you, and what do you know? She's totally sweet, really into you, you're parents think she hung the moon. Everything is PERFECT...except for that teensy-weensy little heroin problem you noticed. And why is your father with back problems having trouble locating his Darvacets?

Emotions are great. Nothing wrong at all with those romantic feelings and affection. Just be willing to be honest with yourself, think things through unemotionally just enough to see SOMETIMES your emotions aren't doing you the best favors.

I get what you mean about attraction. It's just how we all get together, that's all. Enjoy it when there's something to enjoy, ignore it when it threatens to get you in trouble.

The effects of dopamine and oxytocin overload. They should be increased in small amounts over a long period. Once they reach their peaks too early there's no place for them to go but down. That leads to the "I just don't feel it anymore" line.

I've been married for 34 years. To quote from a book you may have read: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Seems you can't have one without the other.

Well...chemistry (literally) is great and all. I just happen to believe there's more to human existence than purely naturalistic explanations, that the body is servant to the spirit rather than the psyche being a slave to physical reality. It's just that we allow ourselves to become slaves to it and more often choose to "go with it," the chemical/hormonal high, and get lost in that rather than considering the actual cost.

But, yeah, I think the chemical side of it is mostly involuntary. Yes, I'm married. Doesn't mean I don't feel attractions to other women. It just means I know it's smarter (not to mention morally/ethically correct) to not cheat. And honestly I have no real desire to.

Part of the problem, IMO, is not so much the chemicals peak and go away. I think it's more like you adjust to it. You get what you want, settle into familiar relationship patterns, and the chemicals subside so your body doesn't stress out. That's natural.

For the long haul, as with marriage, you have to remember to keep dating your spouse. It's easy to forget. Neither one of you may be "feeling it" anymore, but you do try to create reasons the other should stick around. I have a few hours of free time during the day, and my wife planned to make pasta with meatballs. She would need to go to the grocery store after a long day at work. Ok. So after I finished my first class, I went and got tomato sauce, fire roasted diced tomatoes, fire roasted red peppers, ground Italian sausage, and ground lean chuck. Came home, browned meatballs in a stainless steel pot (I need to buy a skillet), set them aside while I went to pick up my youngest from pre-k. Fixed lunch, emptied tomatoes into pressure cooker, chopped peppers and dropped them in, added cup of water and meatballs, cooked on high pressure for 15 min. Left on warm the rest of the afternoon. Subbed for another teacher, taught my 7th period class, went back home. Removed lid, set cooker to simmer. Ran hot bath for wife. Picked up wife after work, ran one errand, came home. Wife took bath, boiled pasta when SHE felt darn well good and ready, served with sauce that had been simmering all day. Everyone happy!

Maybe the oxytocin and dopamine ain't what it used to be. I can accept that. But things like: Oh, I have a few minutes...lemme do some meatballs; I'm not busy right now, lemme dump some canned tomatoes and peppers in the pressure cooker and let those meatballs cook through; you know, she's gonna be tired, the water will still be hot when we get back. I'm sure things like that MIGHT help boost a few chemicals just a little bit!

I agree with you. My comment about the chemicals was backing up what you said about people rushing things and allowing the effects of chemical highs to cloud their judgement. It's when they peak too soon that they drop and that leads to relationships ending so soon after they start. That's when you typically hear people say "I just don't feel it anymore, I couldn't get enough of them in the beginning but now I don't know" and they don't understand why. They often blame themselves, thinking it's something wrong with them. Dating should be a process that works with our biology, not against it.

Well I am also on disability so wouldn't even be able to share a bank account whilst on that, if I can get off disability then that would be possible. But still don't see how that is necessary to share, also I still think it would be confusing to try and keep track of how much each other has spent to know how much is in the account at any given time. Also we do discuss purchases before making them to decide if its responsible with our budget even though we have separate accounts. We live together so we have to cover our bills and food and all that together so we check to make sure how much money we both have and if its affordable.

Also I fairly recently got hacked on a game I play because I fell for a keylogger...if me and my boyfriend had a joint account we would have both been screwed...rather than him being able to help me out till I got it settled. So it might be a little safer to have separate accounts.

That aside we do have honest conversations and discuss things as far as remaining a couple, living together and how we can make that continue to work...topic of marriage has not really come up except one time we kind of laughed about it while drinking but it was by no means a serious conversation at that point.

You aren't married, though.

Btw...I made it to day 40 and am still here. Still a bit weak, had a lot of trouble getting through this gig tonight. I got two more this weekend. I have lots of traveling ahead and need some rest. I'll elaborate more another time when I'm well rested.

I don't see the need for marriage. You can have a loving relationship without that. Also their are big risks involved, which neither party may full appreciate until hey have been through it. This is not being cynical about relationships, relationships are stronger without marriage.

It is not just about your current assets you could be paying someone a stipend, even after you re-marry, especially in the US.

If you want to get married I advise not getting legally married. If you want to celebrate a marriage cermony that is fine. However if in you country there is a conflation between legal marriage and cultural marriage, then best avoid it altogether.

Generally there is always some conflation, even in secular societies. However if you could be deemed married under law then you should avoid all forms of marriage.

crap I posted it twice trying to edit a part I forgot to finish lol.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 22 Apr 2017, 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.