how much abuse is too much?

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Two words: Get out.

many thanks for the inputs everyone.

after some rough thinking, i have come to accept that tolerating abusive people is not only something i'm stupidly good at, but has been a trend for most of my life. i think i need to get out of this relationship and focus on working that out by myself for awhile.

easier said than done, but that is to be expected.

Once you break up with this guy. Are you going to look for another man to date or just take a break? Maybe you can try aspie guys.

Lately I've thought much the same about my parents & I'm only as far as making them aware of these types of behavior patterns. The physical side is always the major issue but the inconsistent oscillation between passive aggression & contrived apologies gets easy to spot after a while. Chief among the manipulators' cliches is the venerable "I don't want to fight" - every time I make a suggestion or statement my dad would rather not hear it's characterized as a microaggression & I'm the scapegoat before I know it unless I STOP HIM to say I'm not sticking around for yet more misdirection & BS. Remember your existence is not a provocation & defend yourself with reason or force if you need. These days if I see my family slipping into these routines I get in my car & drive away before they know where.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Definitely abuse. These are typically the first signs of a guy who will eventually turn into a "wife-beater". The whole "I don't remember" thing is a lie. This is coming from someone who used to be a xanax abuser. No matter how messed up you get, you can definitely remember fights that you got into the night before. No amount of alcohol/xanax/anything will turn you into a violent person. These aren't mind control potions.

My advice would be to break up with him.

EDIT: I read your earlier reply. Congrats on doing what so many people can't; getting out of a toxic relationship!

i'm not attracted to abusive people. they're attracted to me. i just had to detect (https://hubpages.com/relationships/Pred ... lationship ) and reject them often enough to be open when a good guy came along.

Well unfortunately I've had to with both my folks although all too predictably I'd have to say my dad tends to set the more destructive precedents. I think simply detailing what I won't sit around for in one sentence & lighting the tires up if I so choose has greatly reduced the amount of negativity in my life.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Please dump him.There's a good chance that he is going to act even more aggressive and manipulative if he finds out you plan to break up with him, be prepared for that.