How bad does my final text message sound? She didn't reply?

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You gave her too much info. Never say you live with your parents.

I couldn't say why she didn't respond. It's not uncommon for people to not respond to text messages because they are busy doing other things, so I would not be too quick to decide you have scared her away, however, I would like to point something out to you.

You said...

If someone said that to me, it would make me feel like they were using me for their own self validation, and that is not the type of relationship I would want with someone. A relationship is about two people, not you feeling validated because you have a girlfriend.

You go on to say...


Some girls/women like guys who are "fixer uppers". They like..or maybe settle, for men with problems, and then they try to fix them and mold them into the men they would like to have. I'm not one of them. I have my own problems to work on and the last thing I would want when looking for someone to have a relationship with, is someone who, right off the bat, wants me to carry their burdens as well. It's your job to come out of your shell. It's not someone else's job to coax you out. Maybe she feels the same way as I do on this matter.
Or maybe not. We don't really know.

It's fine to say you can be a little socially awkward, but lack of confidence, expressions of desperation, and self depreciating remarks should be avoided when trying to form relationships.

If I had thought twice before sending that, I would've simply replied: "A long term relationship." and ended the convo there like a normal person.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I feel like I just burnt a bridge with one message. There's no telling what she's thinking. There's no telling if she'll ever reply to me again.

It's not over. I made myself look bad, but I have to cross out the wrong impression I gave her.

[Rant begins, autism intensifies] Why the heck do I have to explain why I want her? I mean, I signed up for the stupid dating site so I can exchange numbers with a babe, meet up for a date, then after a successful date, the babe becomes a girlfriend, then we do whatever the heck gfs and bfs do. Then comes marriage after a year or so. You know, the basics! Tradition!

Saying I want experience doesn't mean that I just wanna use her. No, people. It means that life is freakin' SHORT and I just wanna be in a long term relationship like all the NORMAL people my age.

My mission is to find any, ANY simple-minded, good-looking female and eventually wife her. THAT'S IT!! ! I don't care who she is. I don't have time for stupid, rhetorical, trick questions.

[Rant over]

Here's what I'll text her, and tell me how it sounds: "Hey K_____, it's A____. What I meant to say was I'm looking for a long term relationship from a woman. I want it to be with you because you're my type and we have similar interests."

Was that good enough? Too simple? What would you recommend I say to her? I really don't know how to answer her trick question in a way that wouldn't sound selfish or whatever.

I'm not a chick, what do you expect? Every girl knows exactly what a guy wants on a dating site. She even saw my profile. It was dumb of that female to ask a rhetorical question in the first place.

Believe me, I KNOW...dating is tricky, especially when independence and experience are lacking. How much do you disclose? What do you say/when? It's entirely possible you've turned this girl off and completely lost her.

C'est la cie, man...we've all been there. Let it go, move on.

The point of dating is to strike up a slightly more intimate friendship with MOOS. The point is to get to know them over time. Always leave them wanting more, don't overly self-disclose. Leave a little mystery to figure out.

Here's a little trick that has consistently worked for me: Never make conversation about yourself. If she says she wants to know more about you, downplay it. Say, "oh please, I'm not that interesting. Tell me more about what you said about _____. That's really fascinating to me." Only contribute/self-disclose when it is relevant to something she says about something she's interested in, and limit your responses to, say, about a minute.

This is almost failproof. People are selfish and self-interested. That's why this technique works. Play that up and she's yours.

Don't worry too much about "normal" dating. There's really no such thing. Everyone and every situation is different. I would avoid exclusive relationships at first, preferring to meet and get to know women on a more casual basis rather than latching on to one single women and hoping it works out. Gradually narrow that down to, say, 3 women, and within about 3 dates with these more serious prospects, it will be obvious who you should be serious with. Casual, friendly dating is not really the norm with younger people, but at any time if someone asks, you simply and honestly say, "I'm looking for friends first, MAYBE more. You're a great woman, so let's take a little time, get to know each other a little better, and see what happens." You might strike gold on your first time out, but then again you might need more time.

And that's also how you get dating experience. In my view, a date is a date, defined as a get-together with a MOOS in order to get to know him or her. An exchange of information. 30 minutes over lunch qualifies, ALTHOUGH these days if a woman knows you think of it as a date, it might come across as creepy. But I think it still qualifies. And if you invite different women to lunch several times, eventually you get used to it.

Big, "real" dates are the same principle. Pick out a fun activity you already know she likes or would like to try. Follow up with dinner/drinks, or something relaxing like live music. Movies are NOT good date activities, so avoid them unless it happens to be something she's really excited about. Movies are conversation killers and put distance between dates. Other stuff fosters more intimacy, which is what you want. It's just 90-180 minutes of getting to know each other and having fun.

Neither of you should automatically expect it to happen again next week or, well, EVER. You shouldn't base your decision to ask for a second date on your attraction to or crush on her, but rather on whether there is MUTUAL interest. You could realistically casually date 100 girls in a year (figuring one short lunch date, one or more "real" dates on the weekend) and almost never spend a single weekend alone. In more practical terms, though, it's more likely you'll get a few repeat dates, which is what you EVENTUALLY want. Repeat dates lead to LTR over time.

THEN after about 6 months to a year you'll know if she's marriage material. I like yearlong engagements, but some people think shorter engagements are better. While you're engaged, you have time to get all the "fine print" worked out: religion, monsters-in-law/how far you want to live from them, children, finances/debt management, sex/intimacy, and any other possible "dealbreaker" issues.

That, in essence, is how it works. Hope that makes sense.

Yes, that technically isn't long distance. However, it makes it more unusual that you're unable to meet her. Unless, you are living in an area with absolutely no or ridiculously expensive public transport, it makes your financial situation look really bad - as soon as you're out of high school dating/ being in a relationship is almost bound to cost some money, not necessarily a lot if the other person is not high maintenance, but you will occasionally have to spend money on whatever activity you do together - or it makes your dependence on your parents look really extreme. You're an adult. It inevitably makes people wonder why you let them control your life like that, if they can forbid you to travel to a place 30 minutes away.


Yes, you gave her too much info. You told her a lot of things she never ask that are not in your favour. However, in the long run it'd hardly be possible to hide that you live with your parents. I don't know about where you live, but where I live it's not unusual to still live with ones parents at 21. A lot of people have already moved out, but those who haven't yet are usually not embarrassed to admit it. How much she minds it would depend on how independent she is and whether she's younger or older than you.
But, I think directly lying, aside from usual white lies, would not be a good idea. If you're not good at lying your answers would soon become vague and evasive and that might look worse. Besides, relationships based on dishonesty don't tend to turn out well. Yet, not telling someone something they didn't ask and lying are different things.

Maybe you have. You'll just have to wait and see.


She ask "What are you looking or hoping for from a woman or more specifically me?" She wants to know this because she wants to know whether the two of you are compatible. If you're looking for things in a relationship that are totally different to what she wants, it won't work out well. She asks specifically about herself, because this might tell her if you got the right idea about her, or if what you think about her is totally different to who she really is. She also asks this because she wants to feel appreciated.


Yes, but not every girl wants tradition from a relationship. Precisely that's why she needs to ask, because you might want completely different things than what she wants.
'whatever gfs and bfs do' also is very vague. Not all relationships are the same.


And that's what will be a problem for most women. They don't want to be any simple-minded, good-looking female. They want to be loved for who they are. If the only thing you like about her is her looks she won't feel loved. They want to be seen as the person they are, not as something you need for sex and social status.


The problem is that your previous message sounded completely honest, like you're saying what you are thinking and are unaware of how it comes across. That's how it sounded because that's how it is. No one here can know what exactly she thinks about your message. Maybe she'll reply later. Maybe you can fix it with another message. Maybe, she has already decided that you are not what she wants.
'you're my type and we have similar interests' sounds a bit vague.


It wasn't a trick question. She was trying to figure out whether the two of you are compatible. Admittedly, she probably was also hoping for compliments.


Most people on dating sites want a relationship or casual sex, but no, girls don't necessarily know exactly what each individual guy on a dating site wants. Some guys are looking for a relationship, some are just looking for sex, some are looking for sex and pretend to be looking for a relationship. Some are just looking for any girl. Some are looking for any girl who is beautiful enough. Some also care about her personality. It's just that there are usually more guys than girls on dating sites and girls are on average more choosy, but no one knows what everyone of the opposite sex wants because people are individuals and don't all want the exact same thing.
She didn't ask a rhetorical question. And it was not dumb of her because, if you're not what she wants, she now knows and can look for someone else.

Well if that is where you live what are you supposed to say? lie about living in your own apartment or quickly change the subject whenever living location comes up?....neither of those would likely have very good results I don't think. I mean some girls might think its cute if a guy lives at home and is nervous to tell them, but others might just be disgusted with being lied to if they try to hide it and then they find out.

I think the main issue here is that last message contained nothing positive, it was all negative.

Those kinds of things are all superficial, though. Just like judging someone by looks or personality. How about just getting to know me, or at least letting me get to know you? Maybe I do live with mom, but is that all it takes to write me off?

Or if I don't live with mom and am totally independent, all you want is for me to entertain you? What if I lose my job? You're just gonna dump me without considering MAYBE with a little time I can pull it together?

So you're either gonna judge me for not being independent or you're a gold-digger? No...that's not a premise I accept. We can talk about my "situation" the closer we get to being serious and decide THEN if it's a problem. Get to know me, let me show you a good time. You might be surprised.

Sweetleaf, I don't mean you specifically, just any prospective gf. Upfront I just don't see how those kinds of things really are up for discussion. If she's with me because of the money, forget it. I've had to learn the hard way how insecure a musician's life can be and just shake hands and accept it every time I get shown the door. If she brings up mom or money, and I mean really INSISTS on it, the guy needs to walk away.

I'm no bum. But I've had difficulties and probably always will. I'm grateful to have a SO who understands and doesn't give me a hard time. My lifespan in a professional position has been 2 years, and I just got offered a contract for a 3rd year, which has NEVER before happened. In the process, I lost an important gig. And she was actually glad I lost it because of the pressures and poor treatment I've had to deal with. So I'm down to only two part-times and have some options open. It's a good place to be. Someone who's too worried about mom and money won't stick around when things get tough. I want a woman who will.

My point was as far as that is concerned best to be honest, if a girl would reject a guy simply because he lives at home would the guy really want to be with that girl anyways? Also even a girl that wouldn't reject a guy for that might feel hurt if the guy tries to hide it from them and then they find out, like if they finally ask why they can never go to his place...or if they did go to his place and he didn't tell her his parents also lived there and they showed up or something might be a good thing to know. One doesn't have to bring up they live with parents as a conversation starter, but if it comes up honesty I think is the best policy. I wouldn't say the O.Ps error was mentioning he lived at home...more that when she asked why he wanted to date her he basically just said 'well you're a female person and I want to give it a go.

You're basically just saying that you're tired of the shallow and frivolous dates, want to find a compatible mate, with substance, and pursue a relationship.

I think everyone else has to deal with those bad people, too. Online, is particularly bad, because of looklielous and timewasters. You're just being self-conscious about it.

I know of literal grandparents, blowing all their money, travelling, etc, and with bad outcomes. It doesn't get better with age and experience.

The concept of loyalty, etc, is simple, never changes.

"I'm looking for friends first, MAYBE more. You're a great woman, so let's take a little time, get to know each other a little better, and see what happens."

That was perfect, AngelRho. I'm gonna use that line.

Always take me with a grain of salt! lol

Eventually, yes, you will have to let her in on the negatives, not just the positives. What I hold out for hope over are things like MAYBE if she gets to know me, just MAYBE all that other stuff won't be such a big deal. So just starting out, let's just ease up on the money thing. With THAT kind of girl, YOU CANNOT WIN, no matter whether you're a billionaire or flat broke. Because she won't look at you flat broke, and all your billions will never be enough. But buy TIME, which is worth more than money, really, and that should boost your chances.

I find that committed people see past the negatives and will tend to say they are not like all the people, who you don't like.

It can be argued that you are saying you have bad luck with women, because all you have to describe are bad experiences.

But, there are far worse people than you. I can assure you. Downright repulsive people. And, prospective mates will still see past all their flaws, no matter how egregious.

There are alway more-adult, more-sophisticated ways of putting things, and those will eventually get so wordy, and so complicated, that noone will understand you, anymore, and that will be a flaw, for others to put up with.

It should be taken as a virtue signal, when you say you don't like something, at times. If you never like anything, ever, that is a personality flaw, and someone will put up with it, anyway.

Whether someone accepts you or not, is ultimately a choice, on their part. Maybe you deserve it, maybe you don't.

Btw, readers, I forgot to mention that she's totally cool with the fact that I work at Wendy's, (not that I had to bring it up) and she lives with her parents as well. She's a dental assistant and a waitress.

Before I sent the final text message, she told me she was shopping for groceries with her mom. We then proceeded to exchange addresses, and we talked about transportation in order to get to her house.

The problem is that I can't afford a cab and my parents refuse to give me any money. They don't think my situation is important. We're your typical middle class suburbanites, but even still, when it comes to money, you can't reason with them. Believe me.

The most you'll get from 'em is a dollar in spare coins, and $100 for Christmas or your birthday. They don't believe in allowances. In conclusion, I can't do any traveling until I have an income.

Another problem is that I was fired from Wendy's. The boss lost her temper because I did a poor job at cleaning the windows. Aside from that, I was doing good with all the other duties and I made friends with all the employees. The boss never liked me since day one. Good riddance to the fast food industry.

Today, I am currently waiting to be employed as a shelf-stocker at a library. (Library page) There's a 50% chance I'll even get hired.

I don't know when I'll ever get to see her. The only way is if I were to get up super early and bike all the way out there...

In conclusion, my only problems is being broke, and sending a cringey, autistic message. Other than that, she's understanding, but hopefully understanding enough to forgive me for my financial situation and the final reply.

One might say, there's other people, date a girl close by. The problem with that is there are no girls near me whom I can talk to on a regular basis now that school's over. My only method is to ask for random girl's numbers. Rarely does it lead to a date.

99% of these girls are ICE COLD. Pure evil. Lying, deceiving, two-faced cusses. Where the hell are the desperate girls? Almost every girl I meet wants to be alone.

I wish some random girl would walk up to me and be like "Hi, handsome. I want a boyfriend right this instant. Here's my number. Call me and we'll have a relationship." Dammit, that would be great. If only if it were that easy. But I digress.

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