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I can see maybe two interrelated possibilities for what you noticed regarding how he treats acquaintances vs. friends. One is that he might not be able to tell the difference in degree between an acquaintance and a friend and view them all as friends equally, and another is that once someone has become closer/more of a friend, he might not recognize the need for active maintenance of that relationship. I know I for one have mistakenly made both of those leaps in the past, and have taken close relationships for granted and not realized or known what needs to be in place for them. Also, maintaining that degree of attention to a person over time takes a HUGE amount of concentration and energy from the aspie side (or at least from my own experience), which might also explain why he can do that for the short term for an acquaintance or while getting to know someone, but not for an extended time period. I'm glad you are still interested in keeping a relationship with him. I think you are both lucky

I know you're here for insight into the aspie side of things, but your posting it from the NT side is actually helping me understand a lot the perspective of some of my friends who have "ditched" me in the past. Thank you. Still not sure there is anything I can do about it (I've definitely tried ) but maybe I will be lucky sometime in the future to find someone who tries to understand like you are for your friend.

Kelandry . . .. .good I am glad I am helping because you are helping me. im sure your point about aquintances seen as the same as friends is probably true, and one of the things that can make "true" friends feel unvalued. I feel like I go out of my way to be a good friend. I buy thoughtful gifts, I remember when important things are happening and send good luck texts, I make cakes to cheer him up when something sh***y has happened. I show interest in his special subjects, and research to understand more and be able to share these things . . .. . So it sometimes hurts when someone he has met once or only knows via Facebook gets big hugs and birthday presents when I have been forgotten. If I were to point it out I know he feels bad and tries to put it right . . . .. but it just seems really strange to me that it can even happen that way.

Oh and sometimes I know these people he is making big effort for think he is being weird . . .. they don't expect him to be so over friendly . .. . .this upsets me. . .. . I don't want anyone thinking he is weird, he is not - he is different, quirky and perfect just as he is. . . . .so sometimes my reaction is an attempt to protect him without being hurtful.

Probably not, no. From what you post you obviously enjoy the time you do actually spend together and so does he. He wouldn't agree to meet with you if he didn't think he would enjoy it. Maybe that's what you should focus on? Realise that in this particular relationship you'll always be the chaser, the maintainer. You'll always be the one to contact first, to ask how he is, to ask to meet, and when you do meet you enjoy. And just take it from there. NTs judge relationships on reciprocation, but you should maybe look to change how you judge this relationship and do it on enjoyment gained when you do actually spend time together, even if you're the one that always has to do the chasing.

Thank you . . .. and yes generally I do just enjoy it for what it is. However contrary to what you say . . . I am not always the chaser. He does contact me first often, suggest outings and invite me places. It isn't that part that is difficult. In fact I have just received a text checking in with me to make sure I am ok and hoping I have had a good evening. It is the more subtle areas of reciprocation that are difficult. However once again through talking it through on this forum I am feeling happier, and more confident that what we have is a good solid friendship just with different ways of expressing love, affection and appreciation. . . .. . . .. probably

Ok, but from everything else you said in that post to be honest it seems ok overall. Maybe just grab onto the bigger things and let the subtleties go

I think I will . . .. . .

She is absolutely right. She does not need that kind of reassurance from other friends because it ISN'T needed, it is obvious. Interacting with an aspie is entirely different. As an NT, you really don't know what they think or feel about you, EVER. As humans, so much of our communication is subtle. She probably needs that verbal reassurance as a backup from her apsie friend because reassurance in the other ways she is getting (that we all get) from NT friends is just not there. But as humans, anything we don't understand directly, we need to rely on verbal expression....she is not getting that from her aspie when her other interpretive instincts are failing. And then that is the very thing that is difficult for her aspie! That is why she doesn't feel she needs that kind of reassurance from her other friends but she wants and needs it only from her aspie friend. It is confusing and drives you to insanity. She is NOT needy, she is NT.

I have an aspie who I thought was my friend and for more than two years now, I actually never knew how he felt about me, either professionally or personally. Not a clue. I could only speculate based on his actions. But one day he acted like I was his best friend, the next day I didn't even exist, the next day it seemed he was romantically interested in me, then the next day I was just someone else at work. It is confusing and draining. I never knew what I was to him, even if I asked--because there would never be a direct answer--often the answer was more of a "what I don't think of you" kind of answer, like "I don't think you are just part of the establishment"--like WTF does that even mean??? And if I acted in any way that was outside of his secret definition of what I was to him, then BAM!! I am somehow wrong. Like if I treated him like any other person, I slighted him. If I acted in any way close or caring, I was coming on to him with unwelcome romantic overtures. I also think that this secret definition of what I am to him CHANGES periodically, and that too, is a big secret. I get that it is very difficult to have Asperger's. But it is no less difficult for us to have an aspie in our lives in any capacity.

Imhere I get so.much of what you say . . . I think how my friend feels about me changes with his mood. He says not. He says he likes me and cares for me in the same way as he god when we first met. However because of his difficulties with recognising emotions I don't think he actually knows what that feeling is. . . . I have said to him it feels like he is constantly changing the parameters and rules of our friendship. . . . He says there are no rules but I believe differently. He has put rules in place to protect from conflict and discourse. . . I understand this BUT it begins to feel like our friendship narrows and narrows to almost nothing.
I feel for him though because for example I was just having a conversation with another friend. He said something that upset me. I'm unwell and feeling sensitive. However as an NT male he picked up on the upset immediately and took steps to put it right. My aspie friend just wouldn't get it and would be bewildered and hurt by my silence. . . . Now that must be tough for him. I therefore am prepared to work through those misunderstandings even tho other people think it shoukd be him doing the apologising . . . . . Does that make sense?

Not all autistic people are like this, though--I tell my friends flat out what I like about them and why I enjoy being around them, they don't need to ask or be wondering whether I like them or not. I say it if I notice something about them that I appreciate because it is on my mind and I was taught when you think something nice about someone you should tell them because it's nice to hear those things from people. I just don't randomly say things like "you mean a lot to me" because I don't talk like that. I will say something like "you are such an honest person" when I notice that about my friend, because honesty is something that I respect and appreciate in people. Saying all autistic people don't reciprocate or make their friends feel valued is a generalization.

If it's so difficult for you to have someone in your life that's a little different, maybe don't invite different people into your life if you're just going to pressure them to be more like you. The way you talk about autistic friends it sounds like you don't appreciate or value them very much in your life. Or maybe that one guy's problem wasn't that he was autistic, it's that he's a jerk who also happens to be autistic. That's possible, too. Either way, autistic people shouldn't be like projects to you people that you take on.

Another problem seems to be NTs not taking our words at face value--we tend to be literal and say exactly what we're thinking, so if he told you how he feels about you you should just take those words at face value instead of doubting what he said. Most of us are crap liars, so what he told you is likely his true feelings. You are constantly approaching all your interactions with him like some day he is going to wake up and start acting more NT to make you comfortable because you are obviously not comfortable with him being autistic. You are trying to be, but his difference obviously puts you off and you can't hide it very well. Maybe you just need to accept that you aren't very good at talking to people who have a different neurotype than you because you just can't mentalize a different perspective from your own NT one. In all your comments here you have repeatedly compared this friend to all your other NT friends and found him wanting--he probably notices this comparison you are constantly making and feels bad and like he is letting you down not being NT enough. It just strikes me as unfair to him, all this pressure and expectations you've put on him that don't fit him because he's not NT and he's never going to be.

There are 2 reasons f us NTs on here, and I think your confusing us . . .. . .. but bottom line is it's tough. Otherwise there wouldn't be an issue, there wouldn't be forums like this, and Asperger folk would feel no concerns or worry about forming long lasting fulfilling relationships. There are a lot of NT people who do just walk away. I'm here still trying still working to understand. . .. . Truth is I'm fairly sure I have been hurt a lot more in this friendship than he has been by me.
His difference doesn't put me off . .. . . .did you read earlier where I said he is perfect to me . . And he is. The one constant trip up is trying to work out if he cares or not. And that is really a big deal, and he struggles with finding ways to show me. . .. or I struggle to see the different ways he shows me.

If I wanted to blast autistic folks there are other forums I would go to . .. . .. my friend is my friend . . .. not because of any diagnosis or attributes or traits . .. . . .he is my friend because we have much in common, he makes me laugh, and I make him smile . . .. . The fact that we have more difficulties understanding each other's feelings than within other friendships is just one aspect of our relationship . .. . A bigger part is our shared love of nature, art, geology, music, travel, photography and monty python!

Yes, right. Although, it has to do with compatibility not being ND/autistic. As ND, you might not need another ND to be explicit about anything, you will still get it. It could even be on a totally different level where you practically can read each other minds, something that NTs can't do.

Still, I'm not convinced that the OP is NT. She would have to prove that first.

How do I prove it . .. . .. . . .. I think I'm different . . .. . Always have felt different . .. . .but pretty sure I'm not autistic . .. . .. .