Dating a Feminist (...and I still paid the whole bill)

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I hope you will be right.

But it was not the first date, that's the second - and she's not the shy type, I mean....If I were her and interpreted this in the way you're saying, I would say something "Fine, but I pay next time, ok?", to confirm and clear up things.

I think you should bring your wallet to the next date

and probably I should feed my debit card account.

There are a number of strands of feminism and any number of variation within those, so it's not easy to peg feminism as a whole. It's a moving target, and I wonder if fluidity within definitions is half the point. Is it strictly a XX chromosome thing, or is it open to transgendereds? Are all men scum, or do we just want fairness and equality? Those kinds of things are all part of the feminist dialog and it's never closed.

To me, the most vocal and most consistent are those who adhere to the feminist theories of male oppression and the patriarchy. According to this view, men are INHERENTLY abusive oppressors of women. It's axiomatic. Everything begins and ends with this belief. Why do leaves change colors in the fall? Male oppression. What is the real cause of climate change? The patriarchy. Why did the chicken cross the road? Rape culture. 2+2=penises. And M2F trans is men appropriating feminity so they can further oppress women, such as in women's sporting events or job programs. Pathetic. Tell her not to get an abortion, she'll say it's her body, her choice. Tell her to GET an abortion, she'll say "just like a man. Another deadbeat who won't take responsibility. I'm having the baby and YOU are paying for it."

In this view, a "good man" is a contradiction in terms.

I've gotten to know enough feminists to understand not all of them are like that. "Feminism" as a term of art is becoming increasingly narrow and irrelevant, and I'm finding post-feminist dialog to be much more interesting. I generally avoid the rabid, echo-chamber FemiNAZIs if I can.

I may go with her for an one more date, Keladry's post convinced me to give her the benefit of doubt (yet I highly doubt it was the case).

But that will be her last chance.

Happy hunting!

Choose somewhere where you have to pay at the counter/bar before the food comes out. That way you can both order separately and it'll still come to the same table. If she's still getting you to pay at that point when she has an easy opportunity to organise her purse and make her order and isn't paying you back afterwards when back at the table, then kick her to the kerb. It would personally be clear to me at that point she has no intention of paying. If you want, just take only enough cash for yourself and say you only have enough money to pay for yourself if she makes hints at you coughing up.

Good luck! I hope it goes well, and if not, there are others

I don't think it was a weird question. In the U.S. because the man traditionally pays, many men become upset when the woman tries to pay. They take it as an insult to their manhood or think it makes them look bad. So it's best to ask. She might have been completely ok with paying for you if you had indicated that you thought it was her treat.



In the U.S. there is a legal term for this. Entrapment. You was about to pay, and her being slow about it, particularly because she had stuff in her hands, in no way obliges you to pay for her, but you told her you would anyway. You put her in a situation of not paying that she had no intention of putting herself in, and now you are trying to use that to paint her as a hypocrite.



Maybe she did. Or maybe she thought later meant next time. Maybe you should have brought it up with her but you didn't. Why?



You paid because you actively stopped her from doing so.



To recap...
1. She invited you to eat.
2. You took exception to her suggesting you two split the bill.
3. You stopped her from paying when she was actively in the process of doing so, and told her you would pay and she could pay you later.
4. You never said when later was to be.
5. And now you are trying to paint her as a hypocrite.

I'm sorry to say but all of this sounds awfully paranoid and petty.

Boo makes good money

Umm... no, I think I have enough dating experience to be wary of such things and I developed gut feelings for this.

And it's not on me to remind her - this should come from her "heart" not because I told her so - it's just a common courtesy for someone to at least to pay their share; I want to see what type of person she is.

I remember (with someone else) I splitted once (after *she* offered to split) and later she said she thought it was stingy for guy to accept splitting.

Chronos, I don't have a terrible TOM, I can imagine myself if I was the one who didn't pay - if someone paid for my food, I would be more proactive to pay.
If a friend or date (never happened for date but in theory) pays for my food and told me we split later (this happens a lot).... I would do offer to pay soon after. And remember, the payment was before ordering the food.


I wouldn't wait until the other person tells me "hey pay your share" , I understand that they may be shy to say so- that's called courtesy.

Btw, what would YOU do, Chronos if someone paid for your meal?

"Later" is pretty obvious means soon, If someone means it as for the next date one would say "I pay this time, you pay next time", no?



Why would she want someone like that?




Oh come on, it's on the one who owes the meal payment to remember and even to remind the other person that he/she didn't pay their share yet.
Especially if he/she was the one who picked the expensive resto and the one who asked the other person out.


Anyway, the next date should reveal whether I was unfair or not, so no need for you to attack me like this.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but feminism is about freedom of choice to follow traditional gender norms or not. This woman perhaps prefers traditional courtship and that's fine. Nothing hypocritical about this.

So yeah, if you're a guy then it's safer to pay. Even if your date offers to split, you should still pay, because she might be testing you.

All people like to be wooed and women (even feminist women) are definitely people.

BTW, Boo, did you ever not pay for a meal on a date?

I disagree. You can't be a feminist and then say 'nahhhhhh the man still gotta pay. Gender roles yo'.

They want to be seen as equal and treated as equal and want to get rid of gender role stuff, but then pick and choose what they still want to keep when it suits them. Anybody female or male who expects me to do all the paying is a red flag to me.

Enough said. "Vocal feminist activist" ie. someone with a chip on their shoulder who is always badgering on about their "cause". Why on earth would you want to go on a date with them? These people are emotional vampires who will suck the life out of you, best left to whinge and whine to somebody else. Give me the quiet life thanks very much.

IDK considering the region Face of Boo lives in, I am not so sure your generalization fits her. There is still oppression of women in middle east/africa/asia and sticking to gender roles is much more expected.

Typically I am of the opinion that each person should pay for themselves when invited out to eat, unless it is made clear by the inviter that it is their treat. On many occasions, however, when I go out to eat, I have been in the position of the man saying he would pay, when they feel I am taking too long to get my money out, and I have also been in the position where a man absolutely refuses to let me pay. If someone tells me they will pay, I trust that they are doing it because they want to pay, not because they are engaged in some strange, one sided psychological war with me.[/quote]



Perhaps in your culture, but not mine. Particularly to people on the spectrum, which perhaps she is. So I don't think you can fairly paint her to be a hypocrite when you had a clear idea of what "later" was, but never clarified it to her.

If they say I can pay them back later, this would be ambiguous to me, and I may very well rely on them to tell me when later is.



Her, I don't know? Why would she want to date someone who plays these games you are playing? As for me, I typically don't quiz men on whether or not they would let me pay before we go out to eat, and if someone wants to pay for my meal, in most instances, that's fine, but they are usually under no obligation.



I'm sorry you felt I was attacking you. That was not my intention. I do, however, think you are being unfair to her and reading too much into this.