being invisible for men

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10 Sep 2017, 8:11 pm

I'm not so sure appearance makes a big deal, I see plenty of ugly couples and half-ugly couples (one partner is attractive or average and the other is subaverage). I see (and talk to) plenty of attractive people who struggle with their love life. Some 'hot' girls struggle with relationships because for various reasons they're judged as unapproachable. Some girls who are far more average seem to get more attention because they're charismatic or charming or otherwise draw people in (and not all of them understand why).

I think as much as guys often talk about not wanting women who are too outgoing or forceful in terms of personality, almost as many guys are also lacking in boldness themselves and thus really prefer something that isn't what they ideally prefer. You know, in the same way many men imagine themselves to be all sorts of badass but wouldn't actually want to do anything to actually become the person they fantasize about being.

I do think being outspoken tends to challenge some men, especially men who aren't prepared to be with a woman who is their equal intellectually, but at the same time I'd view this as weeding out unsuitable partners. Would you prefer to spend the whole relationship pretending to be less opinionated than you actually are? In general I'd advise against settling for someone who won't make you feel fulfilled since that will leave you unavailable if you meet someone who does, and will likely make you resentful in the long run, not fair to either party.

The other thing with weight is distribution, I've known two women who were <5' tall and ~200lbs who basically had guys endlessly throwing themselves at them left and right (in both cases they had quite exaggerated hourglass figures, the one I knew better had a figure like 32J/32/54, the other one similar but we never discussed those things). Girls who were smaller, but still overweight, but not built like that seemed to get less interest, but again, sometimes a bubbly personality and a cute face were a complete game changer.

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hurtloam
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11 Sep 2017, 1:12 am

DW_a_mom wrote:

In my observation, guys seem to notice two things (either or both, depending on the people involved):

1. Very appealing physical traits (lust), and/or
2. Great conversation (connection).

Since you say most of the conversations have gotten awkward, that is probably where your problem lies. Yet that is also something you might be able to fix with practice. Find a way to get comfortable around men and figure out how to help carry a conversation on things they find worth talking about.

This is an issue I know well, because I really struggled with it in my early dating years. It took a long time for me to realize men aren't equipped with magic readers able to get to know my heart and mind, which is basically what you are expecting them to do when you aren't sharing through good conversation. I used to convince myself I was being modest and reserved, but that is an excuse, really. You don't have to be loud or outgoing, but you have to be knowable.

Weight is, unfortunately, a liability in the dating world, but most guys (especially ones who struggle themselves) can overlook it when they feel a strong connection.

The problem is getting someone to talk to you in the first place. I just get ignored or someone else interrupts and won't let us talk.

Although I am cursed with being quiet. I can never think of anything to say. I know there's lots of stuff I can say. Listing things won't help because in social situations my mind goes blank and I wonder what it is everyone else I the room is finding to say to each other.

I'm always scared to be too nosey as well. He's gonna be like, this is none of your business. Stop asking me questions.

I always feel like I'm a weird ugly troll bothering men who aren't really interested and then they'll laugh with their friends about how pathetic I am thinking they could actually have any interest in me.

The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Sep 2017, 1:28 am

Quote:

In my observation, guys seem to notice two things (either or both, depending on the people involved):

1. Very appealing physical traits (lust), and/or
2. Great conversation (connection)

It's exactly the same what the gals notice, no?

The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Sep 2017, 1:44 am

Quote:

I always feel like I'm a weird ugly troll bothering men who aren't really interested and then they'll laugh with their friends about how pathetic I am thinking they could actually have any interest in me.

You have social phobia, not just AS.

hurtloam
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11 Sep 2017, 2:49 am

I always feel like men expect so much more of me than I do of them. I can be interested in them because of who they are and their personality, but I've got to jump through hoops and not make any mistake at all or I get rejected.

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11 Sep 2017, 2:52 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Quote:

You have social phobia, not just AS.

I've seen other people being made fun of. And know I've been made fun of. Its hard not to have that phobia.

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11 Sep 2017, 5:41 am

I think conversation is like any other skill. It gets better with practice. And you can work up to it, a little at a time.

The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Sep 2017, 8:14 am

http://ezinearticles.com/?You-Are-Not-A ... &id=488238

DW_a_mom
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11 Sep 2017, 4:13 pm

hurtloam wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

I think they are less likely to laugh about us than we worry they are. I used to have that fear, but it works against you.

Even when a guy doesn't like a girl back he is usually flattered by it. I don't think they are programmed to be afraid of unwanted attention like we are; they have no reason to be.

If you can get yourself into less intimidating situations where you are comfortable being a little chatty and can ask naturally occurring questions, that helps. For women I think the gaming world can be a great place that is non-threatening. If you play Magic, DnD or social computer games, it is a more relaxed way to go.

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hurtloam
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11 Sep 2017, 4:19 pm

BTDT wrote:

I think conversation is like any other skill. It gets better with practice. And you can work up to it, a little at a time.

I'm definitely better at conversing now than when I was younger.

I have good days and bad days. Some days I surprise myself with how on the ball I am. Other days i have nothing at all to say and no one talks to me.

hurtloam
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11 Sep 2017, 4:26 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

I think they are less likely to laugh about us than we worry they are. I used to have that fear, but it works against you.

It is true though. Have you heard other humans talking to each other about someone they think is lame? The do it. There's no point pretending they don't.

Quote:

Even when a guy doesn't like a girl back he is usually flattered by it. I don't think they are programmed to be afraid of unwanted attention like we are; they have no reason to be.

They're not afraid, but they will laugh at an ugly dork who they think is beneath them.

Quote:

If you can get yourself into less intimidating situations where you are comfortable being a little chatty and can ask naturally occurring questions, that helps. For women I think the gaming world can be a great place that is non-threatening. If you play Magic, DnD or social computer games, it is a more relaxed way to go.

That did not work out so well for me. I was bored, I didn't understand the rules and whatever game we were playing was too hard for me and when the guy I liked asked me if I'd enjoyed games night I said no. I probably should have said yes, as in yes I enjoyed spending time with you. He didn't invite me anywhere again after that. That was 2 years ago. Different guy.

funeralxempire
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11 Sep 2017, 4:29 pm

hurtloam wrote:

They're not afraid, but they will laugh at an ugly dork who they think is beneath them.

Unless they view themselves as an ugly dork who is beneath you.

It's interesting how many males and many females on here express very similar feelings towards relationships and the idea of potentially having a SigOth in the future, but the girls seem to use it much more to beat up on themselves, the guys seem to veer between self-loathing and embracing misogyny.

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11 Sep 2017, 4:36 pm

funeralxempire wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

They're not afraid, but they will laugh at an ugly dork who they think is beneath them.

Women tend to just walk away rather than rant about it online. Most of my single friends say they are better off alone, they're happy alone, they don't need a man and try to discourage me from talking about how I feel. I'm meant to shut up and pretend to be happy like they are (they're all on antidepressants).

'But I'm happy on my own', says my depressed friend. I'm not buying it.

There's a shame amongst women to admit being lonely. The more you talk about it the more you'll be shunned or told to stop talking about it.

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11 Sep 2017, 5:02 pm

hurtloam wrote:

funeralxempire wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

They're not afraid, but they will laugh at an ugly dork who they think is beneath them.

Well, we're a community of weirdos who reject social norms; let's create better, healthier norms instead of just repressing everything.

SilverBoltsisWmax
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11 Sep 2017, 5:18 pm

hurtloam wrote:

funeralxempire wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

They're not afraid, but they will laugh at an ugly dork who they think is beneath them.

ikr. It's literally ret*d imo. To me and this may come off as stupid the idea of a human being being desperate be it female or male is attractive to me. That means they A don't give a s**t about what society says, B are honest about what they want and C have the makings of a good person. There is a difference between desperate and creepy, and there is a difference between creepy and dangerous. Many many women and men do not see the difference unless they have been in the category which is kinda toxic.

I follow this quote when it comes to life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zszD_-xM2w

If other people did they would be a lot happier imo.

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WantToHaveALife
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07 Feb 2018, 6:33 am

how long did that relationship last?

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