Self-loathing and relationships

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Going by my own circumstances, I'm not blind to my strengths and I can recognise where I excel and where I don't, and I can appreciate the areas I do well in.

Working hard is a fair call. I know I should definitely be doing more of that, but my lack of self-belief with regard to getting a relationship has been dictated by past failures and the only way I can see to overturn that would be to flip the situation on it's head and get a relationship.

Congrats on getting employee of the month by the way.

@AngelRho - Just so you know, I have reported this thread because it's very obviously a personal attack against two members who are doing it really tough and this thread is just a way to kick them when their down. I'm very disappointed by comments that have been made here. If people don't have anything positive to say to severely depressed people then they shouldn't say anything at all and if you become frustrated with people suffering severe depression, stay out their threads. Simples.

This thread is nothing but positivity that severely depressed people could benefit by learning from.

I wish that those struggling the most with these aspects of their lives would read this thread and use what’s in it to work on themeselves and improve their chances of having a healthy relationship.

Oh right, of course, silly me, I thought calling severely depressed people repulsive emotional leeches would be really hurtful. Particularly seeing as how they have both expressed thoughts of suicide recently. I'm sure your right and a bit of tough love is just what they need right now.

If people are too socially inept to realize that pessimism, negativity, and depressive or suicidal thoughts are considered unattractive traits that tend to repel people vs attract them, then they need to hear it as well as the solution(s) that they need to focus on healing themselves and becoming more whole, better balanced, people that others want to be around.

I am probably able to guess the two you’re referring to, in which case they both post suicidal thoughts regularly so that shouldn’t be a deterrent from anyone trying to help either with the point blank straight goods advice they need in their lives. If anything it’s a better reason, as they might just have the “mortality motivation moment,” where a fear of death or dying spurs them into action to truly start living.

In a romantic sense, people are repelled by severely depressed people, and the two particular individuals to which you're referring will likely continue to be severely depressed until the prospect of a relationship is presented to them as a possibility, which is unlikely to happen for either of them in their current states, emotional and otherwise. Do you think pedalling optimism their way and not regarding or addressing their circumstances realistically is a better approach? Because as long as they can't change their circumstances, their depression probably won't change either.

And do you think being called repellent emotional vampires is going to help their depression? There are ways of suggesting change without resorting to that sort of name calling and if people cannot content themselves with offering advice in a respectful manner then they should refrain from offering any.

I've been depressed before, and those were consistent messages I got from other people when I was depressed before I got help for it: that it was hard to be around me, that my presence was draining on others because I was so negative and down on myself constantly. Being depressed is hard but you have to take a certain amount of responsibility for yourself and your situation, even when you are depressed, which means doing the best you can to get yourself help and recognizing that your illness isn't just hard on you but it is hard on everyone around you as well.

The effects of depression aren't isolated solely to the person who is depressed, it effects the people around you too, just like being ill in other ways can put strains on personal relationships. It's hard to watch people you care about suffer, and being around a depressed person you see their suffering and you can't make them better and that hurts. It sucks, but that is a reality in dealing with depression.

That's not a judgement against depressed people, it's just how human relationships work.

Just like karathraceandherspecialdestiny said, I've been depressed before and knew that others didn't enjoy my company. As my depression worsened, there were only a couple of people I would want to be around as they'd bring my mood up a bit. When it became extreme, I cut out even this contact with others and completely isolated myself for months on end - until I figured out how to successfully treat and overcome my depression. I was in such a terrible headspace and there was absolutely no way I was going to subject people I love to that sort of negativity. It was many moons later when I told one of my closest friends that I didn't mean to ignore him during that period, but I intentionally avoided him (and everyone) in order not to subject him to the way I was. It was then that he informed me it was mutual - he avoided me at the same time for the exact same reasons. We had a balanced & mutual understanding that I was a complete wreck and would have been like an anchor on his mind and mood if we had stayed in touch then.

Know what I didn't want to be to my friends & loved ones? A repellent emotional vampire. I knew this through and through and there was no way that subjecting any of them to me at that time could have possibly been good for anyone but me. If other people going through a rough patch have no concept of the negative energy drain that they can be on all those around them, then they need to be informed by others who are more socially aware who they can learn from. Hopefully people reading this thread learn that it's not okay to be such a negative influence on others, especially if they have zero will or desire to do anything to help themselves think & feel better. Others don't deserve that sort of an anchor wrapped around their emotions, pulling them down. There's only so much people can deal with that sort of negativity in their lives before they either get frustrated with you and avoid you, or you really start to bring them down. Other people would MUCH rather be around their depressed friend who they know is working hard to manage/treat/cure their depression and would be likely to encourage people to persist in their efforts. If the two you're talking about don't realize those things, I'm glad this thread exists to help them learn and grow.

Learn and grow or decide f**k it and end it all, either way I'm sure will be cool with that, what with you being such a socially aware guy

And Kara, suggesting that because you were treated that way makes it OK to treat others the same way is a really shoddy argument.

Last edited by bunnyb on 06 Apr 2018, 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

I never said any such thing.

Please feel free to go back and reread my posts.

When I have people in my life that I'm close to, that I am around a lot and talk to a lot, I have a lot of empathy with them. This is normal and happens because of mirror neurons in the frontal lobe. When a significant other or close family member or friend feels something around me, I will feel an echo of that. This is how human relationships work. If someone gets sick, the people close to them will suffer along with them because of empathy. When I got depressed, the people who cared about me suffered too because they had to watch me suffer. This is neither fair or unfair nor is it a judgement on people with depression, it's just how empathy works.

As a person with depression, it was my responsibility to do what was in my power to do to get better and to be conscious of and learn about the effect my depression had on others as well as on myself. That's why I got help and eventually got better. My mental health journey has been a process but I'm definitely in a much better place than I've been in the past because I have better coping skills now and make healthier choices for myself when I can.

Well put.

I am prone to depression (and chronic loneliness), and after experiencing its effects enough times, I've learned to steer away from seeking a relationship when I'm closer to that frame of mind, and will only pursue meaningful romantic connections with people when I'm in a "giving" zone, rather than a "taking" zone. It's such a simple concept, but so powerful.

It's tough because if you are feeling depressed and lonely, well, you probably think a relationship will fix it. I can sit here in my currently-positive frame of mind and see that that's not the reality, but if I fall into depression again, I'm likely to forget that wisdom and see things in an unrealistic way. So I have to just remember the truths that I learn when healthy, and try to trust them when I'm not. Trusting the wisdom of healthy minds (including your past self's mind if you've been healthy before) is really hard for a depressed mind to do - the depressed mind is quite a manipulative bully - but IMO it's a battle worth fighting.

Just wanted to put this out there also.. when I've been down, but not down enough to isolate from everyone, if I did go visit someone close to me, I'd make a conscious effort not to talk about my troubled thoughts, or let on that I was depressed. I wasn't there to bring them down.. I was there for their influence to help bring me back up. I could justify meeting up with a close friend to smoke a joint and hangout, but only if I didn't feel like I was going to bring him down with any negativity. I could justify going to visit my friends & youngest God daughter because she always made me smile, but there's no way I'd want to go see her and just be sad in her presence and have her wondering why I was so low.

That's not to say people aren't allowed to experience or express negative emotions around other people. I'm just saying there's a time and a place and if you're a chronically depressed and negative person, then limit your influence on people you care about while you get yourself better sorted out. It's better for everyone involved.

Now that I've had my coffee, and can review threads properly....

Sorry, I'm not seeing where the OP is specifically "attacking" anyone. Being around depressed people IS depressing. That's not an "attack," it's just a simple reality.

If you're an emotional void, then people are going to eventually exhaust themselves trying to "fill" you. And, when your attitude is that you're never going to be happy until you're in a relationship, then that's a pretty big warning sign that you are looking for someone to "fill" the holes in your soul, which puts a lot of pressure on the other person when they're the only thing in the world that makes you "happy." Once, I had a very depressed "friend (and I use the term loosely because I was mostly just a dumping ground to her)" who I eventually cut ties with because I was tired of her never-ending negativity. Also, she had a bad habit of pulling a gun on people when she got into arguments with them. Anyway, she was seriously bringing me down, which is what you can do to other people if you're not emotionally healthy.

So you've taken your favourite generalization and made it a bit wordier. Nice to see you pulling out all the stops to metaphorically punch depressed people in the face.

Has it perhaps occurred to you that not everyone with self-esteem difficulties is a blood-sucking parasite that spends their entire time around other people letting everyone know how miserable they are?

Just because I hate myself doesn't mean I can't live for those I care about and make them happy. Stop assuming we're all soulless.