NT - this is my first post and need help

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Thanks for having me! The responses have been great. I truly believe he isn't dodging me or playing games or anything like that. I'm just really trying to understand him. I need constant communication. It's hard for me to understand when people don't.

I agree with HistoryGal, you're helping us too by relating your experiences. I've been the on/off autistic male in very similar situations, and I know that I've hurt people by being like that, but I could never really understand quite why they found it so hurtful and was too ashamed to ever admit that I didn't know. Threads like this one give me very valuable insights into how I appear from the outside, so thanks for sharing.

And thank you Trogluddite! I'm wondering too, if aside from his aspie issues, if our age gap plays into these things. I see you are close to his age. He is 51 and I am 34. We both have kids. His aspie issues definitely play a huge roll into things bc the way I show that I care is to be in constant contact. He does things differently. I'm not immature, but wondering with our 17 year age gap if maybe I need to stop making everything about his lack of attention on me and instead just focus on my own life demands and he can come back around when it's time. I don't think he is putting a trial on me, but maybe this is life throwing me a curve ball into learning patience.

The age gap, I can't really comment on; all bar one of my experiences with relationships were when I was in my early twenties, and went so dismally that I just gave up and assumed that I'm simply not relationship material. The only relationship I've had since was for a month or two well into my forties; there was quite an age gap, but in the other direction. I still don't quite know why that relationship ended (amicably). She seemed very concerned that she wasn't meeting my needs (she was) as much as that I wasn't meeting hers (don't really know, maybe she was trying to let me down gently.) In the interests of remaining friends, I didn't want to push for a detailed critique, but I have no regrets or hard feelings, though I am still very perplexed by it all!

I was very conscious of the difficulty I was having expressing my emotions, and this always makes me extremely anxious because I know that not being able to say how I feel can very easily be misinterpreted. Given her concern about her not meeting my needs, I must not have been expressing how much she meant to me anything like well enough. I have the trait called "alexithymia", which makes emotional processing very hard for me; I have them, but can't identify them very well. Probably less likely in your case, as you say that you are connecting emotionally when you are together.

As far as just his age is concerned, I think that may be a factor. Certainly for me, at this age I'm very well settled into the adaptions that I've made so that I can live out in a mostly non-autistic world. Doing things in a fairly rigid, routine way, almost on "auto-pilot" sometimes, is one of the ways that autistic people cope without overloading their brain with decisions to make and new things to learn. After decades of honing my lifestyle to best suit my autistic traits as a single guy, my habits are extremely ingrained, and changing them can feel like I'm throwing away my whole life support system. My ex has a very different lifestyle to the one that I'm used to - she is very gregarious, and unlike me has children and grandchildren. We couldn't really share each other's worlds enough because they were just too different, and although I would have loved to have immersed myself in her world more, I didn't have the adaptability to really make it work.

That (possible) lack of adaptability is what I was getting at in the post about not being able to influence the "switch". As BeaArthur said in her post, don't expect to change him. That's good advice with any partner, but change can be a particular difficulty for autistic people, and maybe more so if we have spent decades honing our survival skills.

My father was 55, and his wife (not my mother) was 30 when they got married.

He’s 86, and she is 61. And they’re still married.

ok, here's a dumb question but I gotta ask it anyways
it is possible for couples to stay married who don't really get along that well [my own parents, for example, god rest their souls], do your parents get along? if you don't mind answering, that is.

I'm an Aspie & my 2nd & current girlfriend are both on the spectrum. I'm actually the type of Aspie who's very needy & clingy within a realtionship. My partner is my special interest. However my 2nd girlfriend was more like a typical Aspie who needed some space & wanted some independence. She was 19 & I was 28 so that may of been a factor. We had lots of fights about me not giving her enough space & me always wanting to know everything that was going on with her while it currently was. She broke up with me partly cuz of that but there were lots of reason.
My current girlfriend is more like me instead of my 2nd ex cuz Cass is kind of needy & clingy too so our relationship works a lot better. My point is that you need to really think & ask yourself if you can handle a relationship with someone who needs more space than you do within a realtionship.

I think it is better to have a quality contact for an agreed period of time (say an hour or two), an agreed number of times per day, and then refrain from making contact outside of those periods. This should work better for an Aspie so he/she doesn't need to constantly switch focus, and that is definitely the method I prefer.

I'm 54 and my NT wife is 36. We've been together 12 years. Two kids (one AS).

The neuro-cognitive difference is a much bigger issue in our relationship than the age difference.

I'm an aspie woman, and I recognise myself a lot in the description of your man. In case it helps, this is how it is with me:

My work is important to me, for various reasons - self-esteem, getting me out of the house, necessity of having income, and so on. But full-time work is genuinely challenging for someone on the spectrum, it take a lot out of us. Outside of working hours, I'm often in recovery mode and avoiding interacting with people. This makes it very difficult to maintain a close and loving relationship. To be honest, I can't really handle both work and relationships without burnout, it's like I have to choose one or the other.

The way I do it (and it sounds like this may be similar for your guy), is I will concentrate on work for a while, maybe two weeks or so. During this time, I will rarely initiate any contact with my spouse. Then I will allow myself a couple of days off or sneak some "not really working" days at work, which gives me the headspace to devote some thought to my loved ones. It's a kind of juggling act.

What I would suggest to you is this: firstly, understand that this is not any kind of test, he's not playing games with you. It is quite possible for an aspie to be madly in love, while completely ignoring the emotional needs of their lover for days or weeks at a time.

Personally, I also have this skewed sort of assumption that the other person feels as deeply in love as I do and always will, so that if they get upset and leave through lack of attention, it leaves me devasted and confused. Because my love is such a constant thing, I don't get that it needs to be repeatedly demonstrated.

Also you need to understand that this is just the way he is, and probably the way he will always be. This is why NT women have written books and created websites warning others about the perils of becoming involved with the Asperger man. You have to be able to cope with extended periods of emotional distance.

If you can cope with it, he will probably be incredibly loyal, unless I've read things wrong. Trust your instincts about what he feels for you, rather than his actions (or lack of).

Hope that helps explain us!

You guys have seriously made such a difference for me. I really can't thank you enough. It has given me a lot to think about. Any more advice is always welcomed and if you have any questions for me on the NT side, I would be happy to answer!

I think the issue is based on the different ways aspies vs NTs communicates. The natural way for the aspie is a kind of mind-to-mind connection that doesn't work with an NT. This way doesn't disturb focus. Replying to verbal messages which need interpretation and social analysis mess with focus.

So maybe in his mind bc we have established this: we both have strong feelings for each other, we have had sex, we have know each other for 2 years (still a new relationship though)...that our connection is established and no need for daily communication? Let me ask you guys this...do these forums get on your nerves and become too much? Bc in reading all of your replies it DOES seem like you guys communicate well, understand what I'm saying and like to respond. Doesn't that go against aspie traits? I know not everyone is the same, but still...

I think NTs need a lot more regular feedback that they are loved than aspies. The hard 'work' for aspies is establishing the connection, but for NTs the hard 'work' is to keep it alive. Something that mixed couples need to deal with.

You hit the nail on the head with that comment! I can make a connection with anyone. Man, women, grocery store worker...I talk to everyone. But I think you are absolutely right

I've only succeeded to form a real connection once in my life, and it took several years and thousands of hours of my time, so I think I know how hard and complex that process is.