Just how much boyfriend does she have?

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Yeah, as a woman I don't find pestering or begging appealing... in theory... in reality no one has pestered or begged me, but what I do like is someone who wants to spend time with me. Just someone who genuinely wants to hang out and who enjoys it.

Who's pestering or begging someone?

Well I don't have options.

No answers on the issue of pestering and begging? Interesting. No, whether it’s pestering comes down to how it’s perceived. Does a woman enjoy the behavior? There are those who do, and I grew up watching this play out on a daily basis. If she sees it as flirting and enjoys it, she doesn’t try to escape. If it’s pestering, then enjoy the view as she walks away, because that’s all you’re gonna get.

Moving on now...

Found this very interesting article. It’s an old one from back in 2014.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2769593/HALF-women-fall-partner-standby-fancied-case-current-relationship-turns-sour.html

The rundown is half of women in a survey say they keep a man on standby in case things go wrong with their current relationships. This is exactly what I’m talking about. You can’t just swoop in and grab people straight out of a relationship. You have to have been on the inside all along. So, you see, it is helpful to build and maintain these relationships as often as you can because you never know when you might actually get your chance.

I've been reprimanded by other women for focussing on only one man at a time. Apparently thats why i get so hurt.

Might be so for NT women. They even might enjoy pestering and begging, as long as the guy is interesting to them. Still, ND women are more likely to enjoy persistent interest and dislike pestering & begging, so the net result might be some NTs that enjoy it, which isn't very useful.

And the finding that half of the women have a backup plan isn't very useful if it is mostly NT women that behave that way. Which probably is the case if half of the women are like that, as NDs are only 16%.

I think that is pretty normal for NDs of both genders.

that's a cute story

i've always been super strict about "not stealing someone else's man" etc
last year i had a huge crush on a guy who was very flirty with me and asked me out.
I sort of regret not getting to know him better. Life's short and i shouldn't be too "strict" and closed off no?

I noticed when In was single that lots of women kept comparing guys they were dating to me but had no interest in actually dating me after they became single. They would just run to someone who was basically just like the person they quit dating, usually some loser with similar loser qualities. Lots of those women were in abusive relationships or relationships that were very one sided. They talk about how they'd wish they could find a guy like me or how they wished their guy had some quality I had but they were never willing to give me half a chance. I always stayed in just friends with them. It sux when you care about someone & keep seeing her making the same mistakes where she gets hurt.

It’s possible.

People generally do focus on only one potential partner at a time, so I don’t know what you’re being reprimanded for. There’s nothing “wrong” with that. I just don’t see it as a best practice necessarily. I was reading some other articles that sharply criticized men for stringing women along online, basically keeping 2 or 3 women on hold while he does whatever IRL. So he’s a dog for juggling 3 or more women he’s not even IAR with, but half of women say it’s ok to keep a man in the background?

I don’t want to make it about men vs women and who’s better and who’s a hypocrite. But if the rules have changed and someone has a backup plan, then is it really cheating? That says to me on the surface that women are ok with the concept of the backup plan. They just don’t like it when it’s obvious their men are doing it. We all like the illusion that our partner is devoted even if we have no intention of being left high and dry.

The question I have now is: Is it cheating? You have a partner in the background, or maybe your relationship is on the rocks, so you talk to your ex about maybe getting back together. You break up before you have any actual physical relationship with an ex or a friend on the side, so it’s not “technically” cheating. But is it really cheating, or should you completely exit the relationship first before going back to an ex or starting something with someone new?

Even if I would be able to setup such a thing, it would not feel right. So, no, I don't think it is ok in any direction.



My view of exclusiveness is not the usual, so I don't interpret cheating in the usual way. For me, it is not possible to "date" or be interested in more than one woman at a time, so I'm exclusive already when I'm interested in somebody, and certainly if I have a crush. In a relationship, I cannot erase attachment just like that (I wonder if anybody can?), and so the process of getting out of a relationship is to retarget the attachment to a friendship or make it disappear. Once that happens, it will be possible to start again with a new woman, regardless if the relationship is formally over or not.

But ND’s more often seek these relationships, hence the problem. If ND’s universally ONLY sought polyamorous relationships with other ND’s and always bought in to evolutionary psychology, it would be a totally different dynamic.

It more goes back to what women want, which is a subset of if not the same as asking “What does anyone want?”

In summary, everyone just wants a relationship, and half of them (at least women from this ONE study) are committed to that to the point they’ll keep potential partners on the sidelines that they have a strong probability of reconnecting with while current relationships enter the end stage.

There is no guarantee that said relationship actually WILL end. But they feel safer with someone waiting in the wings. But I’ve also seen they strongly dislike KNOWING either someone is waiting in the wings or they’re being strung along. So I guess it’s ok if you just don’t talk about it?

As far as interest is concerned, my interest has never been exclusive. It’s been more, like, is it morally correct to pursue someone on the basis of attraction or is it more important to keep a commitment regardless of who I feel attracted to? I feel that keeping my promise is more important, so I choose to be exclusive.

Regardless, I suspect that more often these people prefer only being interested in one person. I’m guessing they eventually lose interest in a partner and passively entertain a way out, so they develop interest in someone else. So going back to a previous lover or starting relationship with someone new is a convenient way out. Remember, leaving someone for someone else doesn’t necessarily require physical cheating. She could say, “I’m IAR, but that might be changing. If we break up, I’ll go out with you” and on the surface there’s no wrong done technically speaking.

So I have to wonder, is keeping someone on the sidelines because you know you could immediately have a relationship with that person should you break up with your partner actually cheating on some level?

And what's stopping men from having a standby woman?

Nothing. Check this out:

https://madamenoire.com/332993/women-waiting-in-the-wings/

It’s definitely a thing. But google “men keeping women on standby” and see what comes up. The tone, at least to me, is overwhelmingly negative. So if I’m assuming that google doesn’t have an anti-male bias, it appears that if men do it it’s frowned upon.

I would think, common sense, men wouldn’t want to be kept on the bench or think there’s another guy waiting just around the corner. So, if you knew a girl was doing that, you wouldn’t date her, right?

It boils down to this: Everyone does it. They just don’t talk about it.

Seems completely alien to me. Aside from being impossible to implement.



Not everybody. I think many NDs wouldn't. And, no, I wouldn't consider a girl doing it.

This sounds an awful lot like PUA tactics. Which I'm pretty sure you're against.