Why does he keep taking her back?

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angela8
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Joined: 10 Apr 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 126
Location: US

12 Dec 2018, 8:26 pm

Raleigh wrote:
There's been an ongoing saga with my BIL breaking up with his gf then taking her back.

She's cheated on him several times including with his best friend.
She neglects and abuses their children, and leeches money from their bank accounts.
Doesn't cook, nor do any housework.
Their house is absolutely filthy and packed to the rafters with crap.
Tells lies constantly.
She cut her hours at work so she could do her hobbies and expects him to pay for them.
Has called the police on him saying he was abusing her when he was at his mother's house at the time.
She's jealous and controlling of him.

Why the hell does he keep taking her back?
I'm at a loss.

I know a guy with a similar predicament. The simple answer is that he doesn't think he could do better.


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Earthling
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Posts: 3,450

18 Dec 2018, 8:52 pm

People who are part of this kind of relationship dynamic usually don't have a lack of intelligence.

It usually involves a lot of emotional pain and unresolved trauma, but for them the best way that they know how to help themselves is by returning to this kind of abusive relationship.

Say, someone was abused at home or badly bullied in school as a kid but didn't have anyone safe to talk to. They didn't grow up in a healthy environemt and had to adapt accordingly in order to survive emotionally and get used to it.
When they grow older many will feel better around people who are at an emotional distance, not because it feels inherently good, but because it's familiar, and familiar feels safe. People like this often have low self-esteem or lack a sense of self or strong boundaries, they either don't know where the line is between behavior that's acceptable and behavior that they deem inappropriate towards them, or they don't enforce those boundaries properly. They may lack tools in addressing their needs and sometimes they subconsciously try to ignore the fact that they have needs at all, because that was the best way to deal with it back in the day.
As a result of their unmet needs and a lack of healthy coping skills, many cling to people and relationships that hurt them.

It's more complex than that, but this is a common reason why people return to bad relationships.
And it's a reason why people enter such relationships in the first place:
Most emotionally healthy people call the "Red Flags" (mistreatment, abuse, indication of major future relationship issues etc.) for what they are and have the esteem and ability to address them properly or to walk away.