Was my gf embarrassing me or am I being too sensitive?

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Oh okay thanks. Well it's just that this was not the only time and she has done this before in the other examples I talked about before in the OP. So I am thinking this time I really need to stress that the relationship is on this ice now with her, almost like am ultimatum maybe, I would be giving if I said that, but would that be wrong, or over-reacting?

If that's how you feel then you should discuss it with her, if you don't feel listened to or respected in a relationship then it's probably not a good one, but I am not an expert and I don't know either of you either individually or together. A relationship should make you feel better together than when you are alone. It should add to your well being not detract. I am not that good at relationships myself but I do know that when we have a gut feeling, an uncomfortable feeling, then something is not working. Relationships are an ongoing process, each new situation that you encounter together will bring different demands. Good communication is essential. Perhaps not involving Amanda in every thing that happens is a good place to start? You need to be confident that you have the right to verbalise whatever bothers you, as does your girlfriend.

Ultimatums are not a good place to start a discussion, generally speaking. If you actually want to practice the skill, then you would say or do something right when she starts the offensive behavior. Something like: GF stop talking. And give her a look that says you're serious.

If you insist, right at the moment, that she needs to stop, either she will stop, or she will carry on...and then you will know.

It took me a long, long time to figure this out, and a lot of blown attempts.

That's a good tip blazingstar. I'll add that to my toolbox✔

Oh okay thanks. What if I told her that after this pattern for a few times now, that I feel the relationship is on thin ice, and that I need to take a few days break at least from talking, and cool off, while she is away on her course. Would that be a bad way to start off?

How about leaving out the "thin ice" bit? Do you want to take a break? You can say anything that you feel. Perhaps tell her you will take advantage of the quiet time she is away and cut down on the communication? You shouldn't be afraid to tell her how you feel.
Do you have any emotionally mature and wise friends who know the dynamic that you have with your GF who you can discuss things with?

There is one, I am meeting with him tonight. But my I haven't texted my gf all day and she will get suspicious I think unless I figure out what I should say.

Great, then discuss with your friend tonight!
You need a confidence boost I think.

Oh okay, I didn't think I was needing confidence, just wanted to be fair to her in what decision I make and wanted to know what was fair and what direction to go.

Teach is correct again:

Skip the "thin ice." It's a threat. If you want to talk about it, a straight forward request is all that is needed. GF, please stop doing x,y,z. You don't have to justify your preference. How she responds will tell you what you need to know.

And, over time, you will develop more confidence in handling these types of issues. I'm sure there will be pain and rejection on the way, if you try this. So, if you really don't want to break up with her and you are willing to sacrifice everything for her, then don't follow my advice.

You don't need to text her.

Oh you are saying if I tell her not to do the x,y,z then she will likely break up with me? Otherwise don't tell her that you are saying?

What I understand from blazingstar is that she is saying tell your GF what you don't like in her behaviour, and if she ignores you and carries on abusing your privacy and invalidating your feelings nevertheless, then she just doesn't care and it won't get better. What I haven't understood yet is if you even actually like her.

Yes, teach has better words than I do.

The X,y,z is an example. The more general lesson is that when you (editorially) ask for reasonable consideration in an issue, the partner either listens and works toward finding a solution, or s/he doesn't. In the case of the latter, if you keep insisting, and the partner won't bend, the partner will leave because s/he is looking for someone more malleable.

The reason I caution you on this is because in my experience, as we learn what acceptable behavior is, and expect it from partners and friends, it will drive people away. And you may be willing to make that compromise in your life.

OTOH, I am not saying we should not be considerate of others, or take exceptional circumstances into account.

That is why this is difficult to express and difficult for me to understand or learn, except by experience.

If you want a relationship to work you need to communicate your boundaries and assert yourself - preferably in a calm manner. Not putting up with bad treatment has nothing to do with being overly sensitive.
Nonetheless your earlier post gave me the impression that you easily feel embarrassed and that some things might make you feel more uncomfortable than they might make some others feel.


What I mean by 'flawed like everyone else' is that nothing in what you wrote indicates that there's anything severely wrong with her or that you need to get out of the relationship asap. Not that she can do no wrong and that you need to put up with everything she does. Not that there are no problems in your relationship - just nothing that's really out of the ordinary. Of course you have every right to end the relationship if you think it can't be fixed or if you think it's not worth it or if you don't like her all that much anyway. It's just that, while she has her flaws and you have yours, I can not see anything in what you wrote that means that either of you couldn't possibly be in a healthy relationship. Whether you can or want to make a relationship with each other work is a different story.
Perfect partners don't exist, but better or more compatible ones can. What kind of flaws you are willing to accept or work with and when it becomes too much and you're better of with a different person is a personal choice and only you can decide where you draw the line or for how long you attempt to improve the situation.

blazingstar gives you excellent advice on how to assert yourself correctly:





Ultimatums and threats don't work because they breed resentment. They may change a person's behavior for a while, but that person might fall back into old behavior patterns once they think you won't follow through on the ultimatum anymore. Besides, if she keeps doing the same things that bother you, you can still break up with her without having given her an ultimatum first. The difference is just that, without the ultimatum, there will be fewer sour feelings about the discussion in case your relationship does work out.

Given how the situation is now, you need to have a discussion with your girlfriend about harmful behavior patterns and what needs to change. In general blazingstar's advice about addressing offensive behaviors right when they occur is great and much better than letting it accumulate. Like that the person will have to accept that you really are not going to put up with that behavior and it is also more easy for the person to notice when they're doing something you don't like. Sometimes bad behaviors have become habits the person barely thinks about before they engage in them and getting immediate feedback helps break the habits.

^ Well said, NorthWind. Much more articulate than I can be. Thank you.

I like your screen name, btw.

Oh okay thanks, things to think about there...

Well I talked to my friend about who has hung out with me and my gf a lot and made two points about it. After I told him that my gf appeared irritated by me he said from my description of it, that sounds like she wasn't actually critiquing the script, but using that as an excuse to disrespect me. That's what he said anyway.

He also said that whenever he hangs out with me and her, that he noticed that she seems irritated a lot by things I say, that she will often sigh a lot, and it comes off as negative he said. He says she is not surprised that she went off on a tangent and disrespected, cause he said from his point of view, it was building up in her overtime from being irritated by me overtime he said. He said he didn't want to say anything bad about her, but thought this would happen eventually he said though.