"Just be friendly."

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I see the analogy.....

If, while he’s having these thoughts that he’s not expressing, his eyes are shifting around rather than looking directly in her face and then he comes out with an awkward attempt at getting her number without heeding the current conversation, it could be sending off some creepy vibes. It could seem as though he wasn’t really interested in what she had to say but still wanted her number for some other reason.

I had a similar sort of experience with someone who was actually creepy but he added some touchy, feely stuff into the mix, so...

We’d have to talk to Marknis’ therapist to know exactly what she was thinking, but from experience, I think that she could possibly be on to something.

Being told to listen and be friendly is sound advice, regardless of what doing otherwise might or might not seem to represent.

A predator has goals and an ulterior motive. He shouldn't worry about those thoughts, she is telling him to concentrate on treating them like people and not some prize to be caught.

I have asked girls for their numbers because I was actually told by other guys that is what I needed to do and it always seemed to work for them. I also constantly fear that I am missing out on opportunities and the well, so to say, is going to dry up as the years pass me by.

Talk to them about stuff first.....talk to them like you would a good friend.

So , lets recap,

I'm not qualified to comment but you are

and now you are making up imaginary scenarios

f**k me I'm done , if nobody can see how damaging it is to label someone a predator I give up.

Maybe I'm triggered.

And to you Mark , I hope you do well.

No, I try my best to focus on their faces and I try to think of interesting things to add to the conversation. I actually had a conversation with a girl who liked manga and I thought we had a connection so I asked her out for coffee but she turned me down.

Hints of your thought processes or intentions often show up in your mannerisms and actions, and NTs are generally better at sensing this stuff than us.

If you're talking to female strangers in a context that isn't anything to do with dating, you shouldn't even concern yourself with these thoughts, because unless this woman has indicated any interest in you, she's probably not interested. Wait for indications of interest or until you've gotten to know the woman to even consider whether you should be asking her out or whatever.

The whole "women can sense desperation" thing rings true when you're already considering the prospect of a relationship with strangers, or anyone with whom you don't have a solid rapport.

Your therapist is right when she says you should just treat and think of women as people who are not going to be your potential relationship partner until you're give a reason to believe they have any romantic interest in you.

I guess what it comes down to is when you're thinking about the prospect of dating or being in a relationship with strangers, or even acquaintances, and thinking "could this be my lucky break?", you're fundamentally thinking of your own needs, and not considering that if the stranger woman has shown no interest in you, she's likely not interested and you shouldn't even think of her as anything more than a potential friend.

I used to have similar thoughts to you around women I didn't really know and who'd not indicated interest in me, until I came to realise that it just doesn't work that way, unless maybe you're speed dating or something.

I didn’t say that you weren’t allowed to comment.

Go back and read what I actually said please.

I just don’t think that it’s a good idea to encourage him to dismiss advice that could help him.

I wasn’t just thinking up an imaginary scenario. I’ve experienced this sort of thing myself.

The therapist wasn’t labeling him a predator. She was saying that certain behavior could make him seem like one.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 28 May 2019, 6:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's actually a fair comparison. In both situations you're proposing something to someone that they probably aren't interested in with no regard for the fact that they probably aren't interested, and probably don't want to be forced into that kind of interaction.

Well, I did with the girl at the bookstore who liked manga since I like manga as well and I hoped that would've been an inroad to getting to know her. I suppose I was also trying what seemed to be like what pretty much every guy in my area does.

I once did get a girl who worked at a comic book store in Austin friended on Facebook but she never wanted to talk on there.

Last edited by Marknis on 28 May 2019, 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I might go as far as to advocate that Marknis pretend that she's not a "woman I'm interested in," but to think, rather, that "here's a person I feel like talking to about things that interest me."

Forget the "asking out" for now. Just practice talking with women. I would even advocate having women as friends. Having women as friends taught me a lot.

Marknis,
Many people on the spectrum will feel their mind cycle when they are speaking to someone, regardless of whether the person is a potential date. It's common for autistic people to try masking their differences or to feel anxious about what to say / how to act. When I speak to anyone, even a cashier in a shop, my mind is whirling much like yours. I'm worrying if I'm making enough eye contact or not enough eye contact, or staring ... how often to blink, when to laugh, when it's my turn to speak, etc. I can imagine that as an autistic man speaking to an attractive woman this anxiety would be even more pronounced.

For your therapist to say (basically) "Don't ruminate on those thoughts", it is in a sense invalidating your struggle. It would be comparable to my therapist telling me to avoid selective mutism by "speaking up". It's good advice for you to focus on enjoying the moment, and it's good advice for me to speak up, but we both need more specific strategies which consider our difficulties in social communication.

For her to add that you don't want to appear like a predator, when you've already expressed anxiety around women ... well, I don't think that was very professional at all. She could have worded the same idea differently, without adding to your stress or your feelings of inadequacy.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I would agree that the therapist could have been more diplomatic with Marknis.

Marknis could have taken what the therapist said the wrong way---and maybe start ruminating about he actually being a "predator." Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Exactly. It was highly unprofessional, and dismissive of his anxiety disorder. If that were me, I'd be terrified to be anywhere near a woman ever again. I hope that doesn't happen to you Marknis. Just realise your therapist was completely out of line. Given the fact you are neurodiverse she should have provided you with very specific strategies on how to feel confident, rather than saying "Don't let your mind cycle", and "You will appear like a predator". Perhaps an NT person could tolerate such advice, but it shows she knows very little about autism and / or your emotions.

So, Marknis. How were the patrons in the library today?

This is what buddies do. They talk about what they did at work. They might complain a little bit about the patrons, or even about the co-workers. And the other person might do the same.

But neither one of you will take things to extremes. You just are talking about things, like friends do.