Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Help, NT wife messed up

Page 2 of 5 [ 74 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Borromeo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Jun 2019
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,440

16 Jul 2019, 7:19 am

Aspie1 wrote:
MrsWiggles, your post is a perfect example of why I will NEVER let a woman marry me. I'd rather die alone than end up like your husband. That said, I don't feel sorry for him; he should have known better than to get married in this day and age.

A man reaps what he sows. (Galatians 6:7, NIV)



Entirely unhelpful quote. Not only do you perpetuate the myth about our lack of empathy, but you hide behind the Bible. For shame!


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 134 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 72 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,749
Location: United States

16 Jul 2019, 7:34 am

Borromeo wrote:
Entirely unhelpful quote. Not only do you perpetuate the myth about our lack of empathy, but you hide behind the Bible. For shame!
I edited it to make it more helpful. I'm keeping the Bible quote, though; it's very accurate.



smudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

16 Jul 2019, 8:16 am

Borromeo wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
MrsWiggles, your post is a perfect example of why I will NEVER let a woman marry me. I'd rather die alone than end up like your husband. That said, I don't feel sorry for him; he should have known better than to get married in this day and age.

A man reaps what he sows. (Galatians 6:7, NIV)



Entirely unhelpful quote. Not only do you perpetuate the myth about our lack of empathy, but you hide behind the Bible. For shame!


I agree, that was mean. Sexist too.


_________________
I've left WP.


Amity
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Mar 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,714
Location: Meandering

16 Jul 2019, 8:21 am

MrsWiggles wrote:
Amity wrote:
If finding a therapist specialising in couples therapy for folks on the spectrum is not feasible for the immediate/short term, I think that you need to take care of your own challenges as the priority until you find a suitable asd therapist.

I would have immense difficulty trusting a partner again who had threatened divorce in this context. I understand that you regret this now, but the impact of your repeated message is devastating, if I were your partner I would need to see positive long term consistent concrete actions proving your commitment to the marriage.

It can't be undone but if you work on the difficulties that you bring to the relationship perhaps that could help your partner to believe that working on his own challenges could help the marriage too.


I’m trying to work on myself. I miss him so much it hurts and we’re still living together. I tend to pessimism so I’m doomsdaying my marriage because this is uncharted territory for me. I’m used to him coming around to me but he hasn’t and I’m so scared this is the end. I messed up and hurt the person that means the most to me in this world. He won’t do therapy and while I’d love to prove to him that I can do better, that I won’t threaten divorce, each minute makes me go further into my own self-preservation (or self-destruction as it has been lately) mode.

Is there anything that could be said or done to put just the tiniest crack in the wall he’s put up against me?


From my perspective... I think the action of attending therapy to be well in yourself first.

Anything else is a sticky bandage response to the problems.



Amity
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Mar 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,714
Location: Meandering

16 Jul 2019, 8:25 am

Aspie1 wrote:
MrsWiggles, your post is a perfect example of why I will NEVER let a woman marry me. I'd rather die alone. If you want to make amends, get an amicable divorce, and get out of his life for good. If he's anything like me, he probably already filed for divorce in his mind

A man reaps what he sows. (Galatians 6:7, NIV)

Anything helpful to add?



MrsWiggles
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 24 Jun 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

16 Jul 2019, 8:30 am

smudge wrote:
And yet you may have not hit his breaking point. What has he advised for you to do?


I hope not. He told me just to be his friend and just be for now, maybe he comes back, maybe he doesn’t, but he thinks I’m not better or worse of just being where I am.



Last edited by MrsWiggles on 16 Jul 2019, 8:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

MrsWiggles
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 24 Jun 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

16 Jul 2019, 8:38 am

Aspie1 wrote:
MrsWiggles, your post is a perfect example of why I will NEVER let a woman marry me. I'd rather die alone. If you want to make amends, get an amicable divorce, and get out of his life for good. If he's anything like me, he probably already filed for divorce in his mind

A man reaps what he sows. (Galatians 6:7, NIV)



He wouldn’t divorce me, he’s mentally preparing for me to leave him. I know we could be happy together, we have been, and especially now that I know the reason for some of our conflicts have been attributed to ASD (I only recently learned of his ASD) and my own issues, I’m better equipped to handle this marriage. I hope he believes in giving me another chance.



Last edited by MrsWiggles on 16 Jul 2019, 8:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

MrsWiggles
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 24 Jun 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

16 Jul 2019, 8:39 am

Amity wrote:
MrsWiggles wrote:
Amity wrote:
If finding a therapist specialising in couples therapy for folks on the spectrum is not feasible for the immediate/short term, I think that you need to take care of your own challenges as the priority until you find a suitable asd therapist.

I would have immense difficulty trusting a partner again who had threatened divorce in this context. I understand that you regret this now, but the impact of your repeated message is devastating, if I were your partner I would need to see positive long term consistent concrete actions proving your commitment to the marriage.

It can't be undone but if you work on the difficulties that you bring to the relationship perhaps that could help your partner to believe that working on his own challenges could help the marriage too.


I’m trying to work on myself. I miss him so much it hurts and we’re still living together. I tend to pessimism so I’m doomsdaying my marriage because this is uncharted territory for me. I’m used to him coming around to me but he hasn’t and I’m so scared this is the end. I messed up and hurt the person that means the most to me in this world. He won’t do therapy and while I’d love to prove to him that I can do better, that I won’t threaten divorce, each minute makes me go further into my own self-preservation (or self-destruction as it has been lately) mode.

Is there anything that could be said or done to put just the tiniest crack in the wall he’s put up against me?


From my perspective... I think the action of attending therapy to be well in yourself first.

Anything else is a sticky bandage response to the problems.


I agree. I’m definitely working on me.



TheOther
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 23 May 2019
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 226
Location: USA

16 Jul 2019, 8:50 am

Don't listen to the haters. They say more about themselves than anyone else.

I think if you are honest and hard working, you can definitely win your husband back.

What you have done is wrong, but I'm sure he hasn't been perfect either. I think it can be really tough when you have an autistic partner. It can feel isolating because sometimes it can be hard to feel understood. I'm sure he feels misunderstood too. Make sure you really can deal with what ultimately does amount to a significant difference between you and your partner. I think both people in any relationship, but especially one like yours, need to work really hard to understand and accommodate one another. I think it is easy for both people in a nuerodiverse relationship feel like they are constantly putting themselves out for the other person, but not getting any help or support from the other side. I think in reality, neither side knows what the other side needs, and both people can probably work half as hard and actually have the message get across.

I think first and foremost he needs a reason to feel like he can trust that you. Start by working on your own issues. You can consider finding a counselor for yourself, but not all of them are equally talented, and the unfortunate truth is that some of them are less than helpful. If you don't feel like a counselor is helping, find another! There is also an organization called Codependent Anonymous that has meetings. It might at least give you some insight into what other people go through, and provide some social support. They are a 12 step type program (which isn't particularly my type of thing), but whether you believe in that specifically or not the social support can be helpful. A really good place to start right away can be to try to avoid tense situations for a bit. Try to avoid picking fights or criticizing your husband. Try to let it go and not feed the fire by engaging if he does something that puts you off (easier said than done...).

Your husband is going to eventually need to get on board too. He is going to have to come outside of his comfort zone sometimes and do his best in areas that are an inherent challenge for him. He is going to have to learn ways to show you that you are cared about. It will be hard work for him too. You can't do a relationship alone. I believe that with love and support, he will eventually want to.

Some books on the subject that can be helpful

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome
What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships

both by Maxine Aston

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

As with everything, take everything you read with a grain of salt. Not two situations re exactly the same. These are just some suggestions to get started.



MrsWiggles
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 24 Jun 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

16 Jul 2019, 8:55 am

TheOther wrote:
Don't listen to the haters. They say more about themselves than anyone else.

I think if you are honest and hard working, you can definitely win your husband back.

What you have done is wrong, but I'm sure he hasn't been perfect either. I think it can be really tough when you have an autistic partner. It can feel isolating because sometimes it can be hard to feel understood. I'm sure he feels misunderstood too. Make sure you really can deal with what ultimately does amount to a significant difference between you and your partner. I think both people in any relationship, but especially one like yours, need to work really hard to understand and accommodate one another. I think it is easy for both people in a nuerodiverse relationship feel like they are constantly putting themselves out for the other person, but not getting any help or support from the other side. I think in reality, neither side knows what the other side needs, and both people can probably work half as hard and actually have the message get across.

I think first and foremost he needs a reason to feel like he can trust that you. Start by working on your own issues. You can consider finding a counselor for yourself, but not all of them are equally talented, and the unfortunate truth is that some of them are less than helpful. If you don't feel like a counselor is helping, find another! There is also an organization called Codependent Anonymous that has meetings. It might at least give you some insight into what other people go through, and provide some social support. They are a 12 step type program (which isn't particularly my type of thing), but whether you believe in that specifically or not the social support can be helpful. A really good place to start right away can be to try to avoid tense situations for a bit. Try to avoid picking fights or criticizing your husband. Try to let it go and not feed the fire by engaging if he does something that puts you off (easier said than done...).

Your husband is going to eventually need to get on board too. He is going to have to come outside of his comfort zone sometimes and do his best in areas that are an inherent challenge for him. He is going to have to learn ways to show you that you are cared about. It will be hard work for him too. You can't do a relationship alone. I believe that with love and support, he will eventually want to.

Some books on the subject that can be helpful

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome
What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships

both by Maxine Aston

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

As with everything, take everything you read with a grain of salt. Not two situations re exactly the same. These are just some suggestions to get started.


Thank you for this response, suggestions and your compassion. I’m determined to iron out my own issues and appreciate the CoDa suggestions.



Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,749
Location: United States

16 Jul 2019, 9:15 am

MrsWiggles wrote:
He wouldn’t divorce me, he’s mentally preparing for me to leave him. I know we could be happy together, we have been, and especially now that I know the reason for some of our conflicts have been attributed to ASD (I only recently learned of his ASD) and my own issues, I’m better equipped to handle this marriage. I hope he believes in giving me another chance.
Was this the first time you made threats like that? If not, well, I'll refrain from commenting further. If you want to win back his trust, here's a crazy suggestion: write a letter. No, not a love letter! Please, anything but that. Write a legal-sounding contract on what you promise to do, along with his recourse for your failure to do so, signed and dated. Maybe have a public notary stamp it, if that's not out of line.

As an aspie, I'll be a lot more won over by my partner's willingness to accept consequences for mistreating me, including but not limited to legal action on my part, than I would be by a semi-empty professing of love. Maybe your husband is the same way.

In 2013, I ended a long relationship, where my ex used to constantly scream at me for hours, and threatened to leave me. Time and again, I kept forgiving her, and sacrificed to keep the relationship. Until I didn't.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 16 Jul 2019, 10:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

16 Jul 2019, 9:33 am

It might be an idea to try to be as happy around him as possible, having a good vibe about yourself and take care of yourself too.

I find calm when I just sit still, and look around me. Try and quiet the mind. Look up, down, to the sides, listen and look at everything around you and try to think of nothing. Then it's easier to think.


_________________
I've left WP.


MrsWiggles
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 24 Jun 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

16 Jul 2019, 9:44 am

Aspie1 wrote:
MrsWiggles wrote:
He wouldn’t divorce me, he’s mentally preparing for me to leave him. I know we could be happy together, we have been, and especially now that I know the reason for some of our conflicts have been attributed to ASD (I only recently learned of his ASD) and my own issues, I’m better equipped to handle this marriage. I hope he believes in giving me another chance.
Was this the first time you made threats like that? If not, well, I'll refrain from commenting further. If you want to win back his trust, here's a crazy suggestion: write a letter. No, not a love letter! Please, anything but that. Write a legal-sounding contract on what you promise to do, along with his recourse for your failure to do so, signed and dated. Maybe have a public notary stamp it, if that's not out of line.

In 2013, I ended a long relationship, where my ex used to constantly scream at me for hours, and threatened to leave me. Time and again, I kept forgiving her, and sacrificed to keep the relationship. Until I didn't.


I don’t think my previous response posted so I’ll rewrite it.

Thank you for the great suggestion, I like it.

No, it’s not the first time I threatened to separate. The one time I meant it was when my mother was terminally ill and he was not understanding about my need to take care and be with her. That was a bad time. There were times his actions or words prompted me to threaten to leave, to which he would apologize and make amends. This time it was my fault and my fault alone.

I’m sorry that you had a similarly negative experience. I see why you feel the way you do and I would also find it difficult to live in such situations.

Thank you again for the suggestion of a contract. That feels like a good path.



MrsWiggles
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 24 Jun 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

16 Jul 2019, 9:46 am

smudge wrote:
It might be an idea to try to be as happy around him as possible, having a good vibe about yourself and take care of yourself too.

I find calm when I just sit still, and look around me. Try and quiet the mind. Look up, down, to the sides, listen and look at everything around you and try to think of nothing. Then it's easier to think.


That’s a good idea. I’m trying. It’s difficult because I want so badly to hold him and get back to who we were. But you’re right, I need to steady the ship and hope he feels comfortable to come back.



smudge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

16 Jul 2019, 10:17 am

MrsWiggles wrote:
smudge wrote:
And yet you may have not hit his breaking point. What has he advised for you to do?


I hope not. He told me just to be his friend and just be for now, maybe he comes back, maybe he doesn’t, but he thinks I’m not better or worse of just being where I am.


How does treating him like a great friend, giving him lots of encouragement do for you both?


_________________
I've left WP.


MrsWiggles
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 24 Jun 2019
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 37

16 Jul 2019, 10:28 am

smudge wrote:
MrsWiggles wrote:
smudge wrote:
And yet you may have not hit his breaking point. What has he advised for you to do?


I hope not. He told me just to be his friend and just be for now, maybe he comes back, maybe he doesn’t, but he thinks I’m not better or worse of just being where I am.


How does treating him like a great friend, giving him lots of encouragement do for you both?


Not sure for now. I'm having a harder time because we've gone from being husband and wife to now friends. He's working on himself and finding ways to make himself happy. My codependency is a struggle because I just want to latch onto him more now that he's distant and while I know that's not the right way, I worry if I don't I'll start to detach, too. Not to mention it's a difficult for me to be "optimistic" when it feels unnatural. So to answer your question, it seems to be going better for him than me, but that's good. It's been better, for me, since I posted this because getting suggestions and comments and direction has been incredibly helpful - thank you to everyone who has commented.