Being friends after a breakup

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Aww. I am a curious mix... I have been told I was born in the wrong time... (God doesn't make mistakes though. There's a reason for us to be here at this time). They say I should have been born over 100 years ago!
Well. It could be why steampunk appeals to me.
However, clothes wize... I am a comfort dresser who prefers worn out and holed comfortable clothes that don't scratch my skin.

I think the nineteenth century was the last era in which I would have been at peace with the world, or perhaps the Edwardian era. It's been consistently downhill since 1789, anyway.

1860's to 1880's I like... Think trains and railways!

I prefer electric trains; they, along with safer bicycles, are perhaps the only things that are better about today's world

For me bicycles (Railways, especially model railways and bicycles are my two hobbies) seemed to peak at their best about 1989 to 1990. It seemed to be the best time when traditional values met with more sensible practical cycling technology. After this date sales became very much more designed after fashions and gimmicks. Gimmicks which the public fall for as most of them never rode the better quality machines from those days (Very expensive back then!) to know how good they were... Such a smooth precise gear change... A decent quality full 531 level toptube frameset... Bliss!

To bring this thread back on topic:

I've usually been able to stay on friendly terms with my exes. It depended on the reasons for the breakup.

I consider it highly desirable to be able to remain good friends with an ex-spouse or ex-lover. I'm not sure I agree with Prometheus18 that it requires "training in mental discipline," but it does require a certain level of emotional maturity on the part of both ex-partners.

Also, I personally I am a big believer in the friendship-first approach to romantic partnerships. I believe that a romantic relationship is most likely to be stable if it comes into existence as frosting on the cake of what is already a strong friendship. My current -- and longest-lasting -- romantic relationship started out as a business relationship, then slowly evolved into a friendship, and then developed an erotic/romantic dimension only after we had known each other for about three-and-a-half years.

In the past, I've also had some shorter-lived relationships that started out as erotic/romantic courtships (albeit non-mainstream ones) from the get-go. But even those relationships were formed, in the vast majority of cases, with the kinds of people with whom I could also be friends, and I always preferred to remain friends afterward if possible.

I should add that I personally am also a big disbeliever in the idea of a relationship that starts with a crush/infatuation. I have always rejected the popular idea of "falling in love," as opposed to the idea of love being something that grows gradually as people get to know each other. For the most part, this approach has protected me from getting involved with the kinds of people with whom I would need to break off communication completely in the event that the erotic/romantic dimension of the relationship did not work out.

Vvery nice, but what's this got to do with just being friends after a break up.

It hurts watching him necome interested in someone else. That was interest and enthusiasm he used to have for me.

No one ever wants me. I'm not ever enough.

I'm confused by the above question. Did you somehow miss the following two key paragraphs of what I wrote?


How is this not relevant to "just being friends after a break up"?

The remainder of my message dealt with longer-term strategies to make it easier, in the first place, to remain friends after any future break-ups.

I'll now respond, below, regarding a more specific short-term issue you raised in your original post. Perhaps that's what you felt was missing from my previous reply?

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 04 Aug 2019, 11:48 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Do you think it might be a good idea to tell him that you'd like to remain friends in the long run, but that, for the sake of your emotional recovery, you need to avoid contact with him for some pre-announced period of time (say, three months?), during which time you ask that he not contact you except to tie up any practical loose ends that may need to be dealt with?

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 04 Aug 2019, 11:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way about yourself.

How have you been going about finding (or trying to find) romantic partners in the first place?

I do think this longer-term question has a big impact on how one can cope with break-ups. In particular, it may affect the complication of feeling like "No one ever wants me. I'm not ever enough," which can make it much harder to recover from a break-up.

Just cut all contact with them. If you don't it will just torture you

In most cases, I feel that an abrupt, total, and permanent cutoff of contact would be cruel in its own way -- and unnecessary. But a temporary agreed-upon cessation of contact might be appropriate and healing.

Sorry, yes I missed your post. That comment was meant for the 2 who took it off topic.

I go about it the same way you do. Letting a friendship develop into romance... though I found his lovely personality attractive very quickly. That's why I still want to stay friends with this person. The friendship was longer than the romance, but it's been years and years and years since I've been out with anyone, felt comfortable like this with anyone and I was so happy I'd found this connection, but then i find out that he realised that it wasn't everything he wanted in a romantic sense and I'm devestated. It's actually been a few months now and I hurt less than I did. I was ugly crying every day for the first month.

The romantic aspect meant way more to me than it did to him, but he wants to keep the friendship and so do I.

What is your social life like, in general?

Do you, for example, have any groups that you attend at least occasionally, where you might meet some new friends?