Is he only playing the Aspie?

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People can make a case for and against the possibility of him having ASD. But realistically, no one on this board will be able to diagnose a stranger through the description of another stranger. I would still say whether he has it or not is irrelevant. He's engaged to marry someone else. He gives you VERY confusing messages. You are still hooked on him. This can go nowhere but down.

I understand the desire to want to make sense of the situation.

In my opinion your friend behaved inappropriately for a man in a relationship. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. And to justify his little affair by labelling it as platonic.

I've had a male friend be confusing with me, but he was single. I really want to understand what goes on in his head because it makes no sense to me and I like to understand things. It's an irritating puzzle.

But I like the advice here to stop trying to work out what the hell happened in the past and to work out what the rules will be for the future.

To ElizabethBerlin: Unlike some other folks here, I don't advocate that you outright end the friendship at this point. I am, in general, not a fan of ending friendships when there is still a chance that they can be salvaged or improved. I would suggest ending your friendship with him only if it turns out that either (1) you still can't get over your romantic feelings for him even after taking a break from seeing each other, and/or (2) setting boundaries with him turns out to be impossible, or at least too difficult to be worth it.

I agree with that, but I do think if he has not told his S.O. and is indeed playing her, she should end it ASAP.

Dear all, thanks again, I appreciate your perspectives.
I think if and how this proceeds I will have to work out, after some brea to see if I can calm down.
I understand, that you cannot diagnose him, I am mainly wondering that if he were on the A-Spectrum whether this inabilty to see what he has been doing might be typical for someone on the Spectrum. I find his inabilty not to see this or call if "friendly" just so offensive and that fact that he tried the explanation on my almost laughable, like if he thought I was very very stupid.
Thank you for the idea about Alxityhmia, this might have something to do with it, as he is often using slightly off words when it comes to emotions (part of what I liked about him). Also, when he was sick he was not aware of it, so...

I agree that the relevant issue here isn't if he is on the spectrum or not, but if his fiancé is aware of this friendship, ambiguous behaviour included. Everything hinges on this.

I'm all for male-female friendships so that's not the issue; my best friend is male. In fact, nearly all of my friends are male.

If he hasn't told his fiancée about this friendship, and he isn't willing to in the future, it suggests that he lies to her about his whereabouts or his activities while he's actually with you. That doesn't sit well with me. It's about honesty, whether he is NT or ND or somewhere in between.

Oh, I have no issues with it either - both I and my wife have close friendships with the opposite sex. And I agree with magz' comment about boundaries and yours about honesty.

What I'm saying is that the whole thing hinges on whether he is honest with his partner or not, especially since the OP is in love with him and sees some of his behaviours as possibly misleading/ambiguous.

If she can overcome her own (romantic) feelings for him and he's being honest with his future wife, there's no reason whatsoever they couldn't build a good, lasting friendship.

Last edited by BenderRodriguez on 19 Aug 2019, 1:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I quoted you to imply that I agree with what you said. Sorry, I should have said "I agree"!

No worries, I think I misunderstood you too Male-female friendships are such a touchy subject here!

You said that when you met this male "friend" that it felt like falling in love. You also said that he had told his fiancee about the friendship and been honest. It seems that you are looking for a romantic relationship with a man who has declared his long standing commitment to another. How can it be a platonic relationship when you seem so eager for it to be romantic, or at least that is my impression "He does not want to kiss" seems to indicate that you tried kissing him or asked him to kiss you, to me. How is that platonic on your part? I would never endanger someone elses relationship. He has said he loves his SO.Not healthy for all concerned IMO. To avoid either being hurt or inflicting pain on his girlfriend maybe it would be better to distance yourself.
Aspies are loyal and value integrity, why put your friend in such a position if he has such confused boundaries?

I actually don't think it's necessary for him to tell his fiancé about the "ambiguous behaviour." It's just necessary to (1) make sure that his fiancé is okay with him having female friends, and (2) make sure that the ambiguous behavior doesn't continue.

It would probably also be a good idea for the O.P. not to see her friend very often even after the break I suggested, but to wait with frequent contact until the O.P. gets a boyfriend, at which point they could hang out as couples if everyone involved is willing.

How can it be a platonic relationship when you seem so eager for it to be romantic, or at least that is my impression (...)
Aspies are loyal and value integrity, why put your friend in such a position if he has such confused boundaries?[/quote]

Thank you Teach, you are right. I was so touched by this all that I had hoped this to be a plantonic yet romantic relationship. He had also said that his girlfriend knew about him having intense and flirtatious friendships, so I trusted that it would be okay (ish).
So yes, what I had hoped for was something in-between and while I know that this is tricky and can hurt every one involved I think it is possible sometimes. Now I am the one hurt and I know I have my fair share of responsibilty for this.

What I find hard to swallow is that he cannot see his share. I put myself in a position but he also put himself in this position by giving all these ambigious signals. I admit to what I did, he just does not seem to see what he did.
But I find it interesting that many of you seem to see much more responsibilty on my part.
i don't. I think we both created this situation and before I can move forward I want both of us to acknowledge this.

This is why I'm posting here. His explanations seem to come from a different planet to me.

Thanks for enganging in this, you all!

If she can overcome her own (romantic) feelings for him and he's being honest with his future wife, there's no reason whatsoever they couldn't build a good, lasting friendship.[/quote]

> Dear Bender, thank you, I think this is a good line to remember. Both these requirements need to be fulfilled for this to be somewhat working.

"It would probably also be a good idea for the O.P. not to see her friend very often even after the break I suggested, but to wait with frequent contact until the O.P. gets a boyfriend, at which point they could hang out as couples if everyone involved is willing."

Thank you MonaPereth, this is as practical as it makes sense as hard as it seems right now to wait that long. I do not fall in love very often and I really fell for this person, which is why I so hope that something good comes out of this.

People are probably reacting to the fact that you knew from the start he's in a serious relationship. Don't take it too hard, people always blame the "outsider" and falling in love with someone can seriously cloud your judgement.

My concern is for you: if by any chance he's not entirely honest with his partner and indulging in the... ambiguous stuff with you either to play or because he's developing some kind of feelings too, chances are you're the one who will get hurt (the worst). Just take a step back and try to get a more clear picture of what you're getting yourself into is all I'm saying.