What type of woman do you think would be a good match for me

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Fnord
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16 Sep 2019, 10:05 am

martianprincess wrote:

Fnord wrote:

martianprincess wrote:

... If only dating was that cut and dried, it would be easier.

If only people would treat dating more like a formal job interview process, a lot of "surprises" would be found out before things get serious, and a lot of heartbreak and disappointment would be avoided..

Do you really think job interviews are effective though? Let's be real, they're based on flimsy first-impressions. And with dating, some people would be even more nervous and would be less open to being themselves, even if it's not intentional.

The interviews themselves? No. Everybody lies; the only variable is about what. I'm referring to the entire process -- the background checks, the credit checks, the drug tests, the medical exams ... et cetera. But if you must rely on interviews alone, imagine having two of your closest friends sitting nearby as you meet your date for the first time at a coffee shop, and then consulting with them afterward.

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martianprincess
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16 Sep 2019, 10:14 am

That seems a bit extreme, but I appreciate where you're coming from.

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Fnord
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16 Sep 2019, 10:24 am

martianprincess wrote:

That seems a bit extreme, but I appreciate where you're coming from.

More extreme than being married to someone for a few years before you find out that he is a registered sex offender in another state? More extreme than suddenly being responsible for paying your husband's alimony/child support (from a previous marriage you didn't know about) after he gets laid off? More extreme than contracting AIDS because your husband shared a "dirty needle" with a co-worker?

People risk more than just a broken heart from bad relationships nowadays than they did 50 years ago.

martianprincess
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16 Sep 2019, 10:43 am

Fnord wrote:

martianprincess wrote:

That seems a bit extreme, but I appreciate where you're coming from.

I understand all of that. People find themselves in bad situations because they trust people who are essentially strangers and/or who manipulate them into trusting them. However I think the majority of people aren't bad people who who do kinds of things you mentioned.

The small percentage of people who take advantage of others by lying and preying on people would possibly find another way to cheat the system if something like that was in place. I'm pretty sure you can't just pull someone's credit report you don't know, for instance. And you can't force people to give you their medical records. People do have a right to privacy, and even people who have nothing to hide would find it startling to be asked for such things by someone they didn't know, let alone someone they do

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Fnord
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16 Sep 2019, 11:04 am

martianprincess wrote:

... People find themselves in bad situations because they trust people who are essentially strangers and/or who manipulate them into trusting them.

Agreed. I've had the most trouble when I trusted people. Now, I verify before I trust.

martianprincess wrote:

However I think the majority of people aren't bad people who who do kinds of things you mentioned.

Perhaps ... but I've been on the receiving end of "Situational Ethics" in my 60+ years more often than I've benefited from interacting with genuinely honest people.

martianprincess wrote:

The small percentage of people who take advantage of others by lying and preying on people would possibly find another way to cheat the system if something like that was in place.Agreed. Everybody seems to have his or her own method of 'gaming' the system, whether they admit it or not.I'm pretty sure you can't just pull someone's credit report you don't know, for instance.

It costs about $50 for an individual report, with cost breaks for multiple requests (with some services).

There are also on-line services that can provide more information for less cost. A determined and network-savvy person can "cyber-stalk" anyone and find out just about anything they want to know for free. And if you have a Facebook or Twitter account, then just forget completely about anyone respecting your right to privacy.

martianprincess wrote:

And you can't force people to give you their medical records.

True. But you can tell someone to provide a urine sample as a condition of their probationary employment. A lot of medical history can be determined from just one sample.

martianprincess wrote:

People do have a right to privacy, and even people who have nothing to hide would find it startling to be asked for such things by someone they didn't know, let alone someone they do.

True on both counts.

Keep in mind that I'm approaching this issue pragmatically, and from the standpoint of someone who is responsible for hiring the right people. In the Real World, people would much rather let their hormones decide who is and who is not an ideal candidate for a life-partner. That's just how it is.

martianprincess
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16 Sep 2019, 12:07 pm

I'm with you, I've trusted the wrong people for a good portion of my life too, unfortunately. I like having as much information as possible about someone before deciding to move forward. That's what I liked about online dating and how OkCupid forced people to answer questions that I could read before deciding to respond to someone's message. I definitely see the benefit of approaching dating pragmatically. It would come down to implementation and the unpredictability of [some] human behavior.

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nick007
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17 Sep 2019, 6:49 pm

I think lots of people treat dating like it's a poker game. I would much rather lay all my cards out on the table face up & find someone who's willing to deal with that & I'd like my partner to do the same. That's kinda what me & my current girlfriend did but we met on this forum instead of doing the whole dating thing with each other.

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RetroGamer87
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18 Sep 2019, 1:41 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

You've obviously never tried online dating as a guy.

I have. It's not as bad as some people make out. First date is usually kind of tedious but second and third date can be a lot more fun when you start developing feelings for each other.

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The Grand Inquisitor
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18 Sep 2019, 4:22 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

You've obviously never tried online dating as a guy.

I have. It's not as bad as some people make out. First date is usually kind of tedious but second and third date can be a lot more fun when you start developing feelings for each other.

I've never even managed to even get a first date through online dating, and that's not for lack of trying.

Teach51
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18 Sep 2019, 5:15 am

Fnord wrote:

martianprincess wrote:

... People find themselves in bad situations because they trust people who are essentially strangers and/or who manipulate them into trusting them.

Agreed. I've had the most trouble when I trusted people. Now, I verify before I trust.

martianprincess wrote:

However I think the majority of people aren't bad people who who do kinds of things you mentioned.

Perhaps ... but I've been on the receiving end of "Situational Ethics" in my 60+ years more often than I've benefited from interacting with genuinely honest people.

martianprincess wrote:

And you can't force people to give you their medical records.

True. But you can tell someone to provide a urine sample as a condition of their probationary employment. A lot of medical history can be determined from just one sample.

martianprincess wrote:

People do have a right to privacy, and even people who have nothing to hide would find it startling to be asked for such things by someone they didn't know, let alone someone they do.

Well unfortunately I agree. I have been wiped out financially, betrayed and abused by the men I have chosen to be in my life, life is not innocent and pure and just all the time. I do though believe we should keep trying and the good people in my life far outweigh the narcissists and sociopaths that I no longer allow to pollute my environment. With the epidemic of STD's, drug abuse and Cyber Fraud it is wise to "respect all and trust no-one" as we say in hebrew until proven otherwise. I was born with my "heart on my sleeve" but now you would need to use an ice pick laboriously and lengthily in order to hack away at the mistrust, and gain any access to my feelings. But it does happen that guys succeed on occasion:) Caution and faith, that's the key I think.

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GiantHockeyFan
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18 Sep 2019, 6:13 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

]
I've never even managed to even get a first date through online dating, and that's not for lack of trying.

I got lots of first dates but that was about it. I guess they liked the height but when they found out I wasn't Brad Pitt they quickly lost interest. I would have much rather have gotten no dates than to be treated like a serial killer.

Fnord wrote:

The interviews themselves? No. Everybody lies; the only variable is about what. I'm referring to the entire process -- the background checks, the credit checks, the drug tests, the medical exams ... et cetera.

One of my former employers did in insane amount of checks yet they hired "bad" people about 1/3 of the time. As usual, they tend to go for the smooth talkers just like my current organization. For the record I never lied in any job interview and look where it has got me. If organizations don't want liars, STOP HIRING THEM!

Teach51
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18 Sep 2019, 6:26 am

It's not only about what type of woman but also about the nature of the conversational exchange. Ok so you find an academic, pretty girl who likes biking let's say, then what?

What I am going to say may sound harsh but I really think that working on communication skills should be a priority for aspie men. I know many NT men who are either short, or not particularly handsome, obese or poor who do have happy marriages and relationships. One thing they have in common is having a positive outlook, taking interest in other people and are good conversationalists. Only one of my 5 aspie friends ever asks me how I am and what I am doing. The others really care but they just tell me about themselves and then I tell them what I am doing etc.
That works in friendship but in an intimate relationship much more focus on the other person by an aspie guy would work wonders. Women don't know you like them unless you say so. Women like to feel special and respected.Don't talk about yourself so much. Pay attention to what she says and likes, then follow up on it the next time you meet. One of my aspie friends has just completed a workshop in soft skills and communication because he is having difficulty dating. It can't hurt anyway. Not all women are worthy of you, and there are good ones available. Aspie men need to work a little harder I think on making the other person feel how much they care, and they often feel very intensely.
My aspie friend was over at the weekend and I was listening to 70's music. Before he left he sat at my computer and started working on it. Then he said "I found you something" and he had found this awesome 70's music that I wouldn't have known to find myself. That was a really considerate and caring act. With no words. If I was at the very onset of getting to know him I would have probably been upset that he used my computer without permission or wasn't verbally open.

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Last edited by Teach51 on 18 Sep 2019, 6:50 am, edited 2 times in total.

The Grand Inquisitor
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18 Sep 2019, 6:41 am

Teach51 wrote:

What I am going to say may sound harsh but I really think that working on communication skills is a priority for aspie men. I know many NT men who are either short, not handsome, obese or poor who have happy marriages. One thing they have in common is having a positive outlook, taking interest in other people and are good conversationalists. Only one of my 5 aspie friends ever asks me how I am and what I am doing. The others really care but they just tell me about themselves and then I tell them what I am doing etc.
That works in friendship but in an intimate relationship much more focus on the other person by an aspie guy would work wonders. Women don't know you like them unless you say so. Don't talk about yourself so much. One of my aspie friends has just completed a workshop in soft skills and communication because he is having difficulty dating. It can't hurt anyway.

I don't even encounter any prospective partners. No one seems to be interested in even entertaining the idea of having a romantic relationship with me. I've only ever been on one date and the rest of my extremely limited "dating" experience has been confined to online. Over the years I've had three women I met online flake on meeting me and then there was the one date I did have and that's the entirety of my "dating" experience. I put dating in quotations because I'd hardly even call it that with the three women who flaked on me that I never got to meet in person.

Teach51
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18 Sep 2019, 6:59 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Teach51 wrote:

I know some aspie guys who only started dating in their late 20's. You need to make a woman feel some sort of connection.. If she's aspie then it could be a special interest I suppose. NT women like attention and compliments. It takes longer for aspies to get the hang of it but it can happen. Aspies are more self-focused and seem aloof and self-centred but with time a woman will see the real you and feel the depth of your caring that is difficult for you to verbalise. That's a big obstacle but can be worked on.

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The Grand Inquisitor
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18 Sep 2019, 7:06 am

Teach51 wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Teach51 wrote:

But I'm not even meeting any women. It would be rare for me to even meet one new woman every three months.

RetroGamer87
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18 Sep 2019, 7:25 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

RetroGamer87 wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

You've obviously never tried online dating as a guy.

I have. It's not as bad as some people make out. First date is usually kind of tedious but second and third date can be a lot more fun when you start developing feelings for each other.

I've never even managed to even get a first date through online dating, and that's not for lack of trying.

Try this site. www.rsvp.com.au This is the one with which I had the most success.

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