Looks And Dating

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I don't really agree. Just because you can recognise a biological impulse doesn't always mean you can (or you'd want to) override it. If you get hungry, sure, you can consciously choose not to eat, but that isn't going to automatically stop you from being hungry.

Sexual urges are a biological impulse, and their purpose is for reproduction, yet telling people to only have sex when procreating because that's its purpose isn't going to gain much traction with people who don't believe that God is going to persecute them for having sex in the wrong set of circumstances.

Asking people to sacrifice the possibility of having a partner that they have a base level of sexual attraction towards, in order to have a partner who they are not physically attracted to at all (and maybe even physically repulsed by) is a hard sell for most people

Amity wrote:

This video was based on extremes and doesnt have general application. I see regular looking people together as a couple and people I'm sure you would find repulsive together too.

Seeing people who are average pairing up together, and people who would generally be considered below average pairing up together is basically what you would expect. The main point of the video is not that you can only have romantic success if you are good-looking. It's that being below average past a certain extent inhibits your chances with almost everyone who is not as far below average as you.

The video even addresses a plausible scenario wherein someone who is considered to be average could end up with someone who is considered to be attractive based on the average person's personality traits and character making the average person close enough to what the attractive person is looking for to where the disparity in attractiveness doesn't matter so much, but that's generally only possible if both people have the capacity to be attracted to each other physically, which can be the case in the context of attractive and average people, but becomes a challenge when you get too far below average.

Amity wrote:

I beginning to think some of you chaps are brainwashed about beauty as an ideal. Beauty fades you know... what then? What holds you with the person if they loose their looks, when attraction to them was based on looks alone?
For folks on the spectrum you need someone with depth of character that to me is the no1 hook/attraction. Then again I've learned that the hard way, what would I know...

Just because beauty fades doesn't mean you won't still have a base level attraction towards your partner, and by that point, if you get together while you're young, there will likely be a deep emotional connection there anyway. I would imagine that the dynamic of a romantic relationship would likely generally be different between people in their 20s, people in their 40s, people in their 60s, etc.

And nowhere in the video, or in my thread, has selecting a partner on looks alone been advocated for. The main topic here is rejecting a potential partner on looks alone, and that's not the same thing. If I met someone who I didn't find myself particularly attracted to, that alone wouldn't preclude them from being a potential partner if we had compatible values and personalities, and I had the capacity to find them at least a bit physically attractive. What would preclude them from my dating pool in the context of looks would be if I wasnt physically attracted to them at all, and couldn't be physically attracted to them. Especially if I found them to be physically repulsive to me. If I met someone like that who had a compatible personality, I'd just be friends with them instead.

Amity wrote:

For what it's worth I see such potential in you TGI, I wouldn't bother replying if i didn't see that potential. I believe you have that depth of character, to be a good partner for a very specific person, not women in general, the reactive depression makes it harder to stay motivated, I know.

Be well

I appreciate the sentiment. I think I have some traits that could serve me well in a relationship if I got one with the right person.

I'm not trying to broaden my appeal to attract all women, but I don't seem to be attracting any. To what degree that's attributable to looks, social skills, or not meeting new women is difficult to discern, but I'm sure they all have a role.

Very ugly pairing with a beautiful is a very rare case, at least among the common people (not the richies).

In my daily life I see most couples in these 3 variations: handsome + beautiful, average + average , and ugly or short + ugly or very overweight.
In all the 3 variations, the most common height variation is: man taller - woman shorter.

The oddly-matched couples are what sticking in your minds, people....don't forget the majority! The ones that you see in the street in your daily life - You always seem to want to forget the...vast majority!

Like when kraftie is like "I have seen in the subway a very fat man with a very beautiful fit woman" .....fine, good! you noticed and you remembered them because they are rare!

I wouldn't call it a "hipster beard", because that brings with it the implication that once the "beard trend" is over, that I'll trim it down or shave it off, which won't be the case. If I am ever to trim it down or shave it off, it would likely be only for novelty, and I don't find it likely that I would maintain a short beard for any significant length of time before growing it back, and I know I won't ever maintain a clean shaven look. I always wanted to have a long beard, ever since I was a child actually, so even if I didn't have it now, it would be in my future.

As for the twirly moustache, I've only started doing that within the last month or two. I figured since I have the length, and I'm putting wax in it anyway to get it to lay to the sides, I might as well play around with making it a bit more animated.

In terms of it narrowing down my dating pool, 10 years ago, it probably would have narrowed it down more, but the hipster beard trend seems to have made people more accepting of long beards as far as I can tell. Obviously there are still women who won't be accepting, but that's just the way it is. Theoretically it could also mean that I could have a greater appeal for women who like long beards, and give me an advantage with those women, which is what I would be hoping for.

As far as the results go, I've only ever been on one date in my life, and I got that date when I had a medium-long beard. The only time I had a woman randomly approach me at a club and propose that I dance with her (I wasn't even dancing at the time, I was looking for some people I knew), I had a medium-long beard, and she touched my beard too. So since my success rate with women doesn't appear to be any worse with a long beard, and I'd prefer to have a long beard, there's not really anything to make me even consider going against my preferences. I was still lonely before I grew my beard long, so I really don't think it's the biggest hindrance I have.

I think losing weight has the capacity to make a much greater difference, hence why I've started doing that. I'm down about 12kg down from my starting weight.

This.

In all honesty, overthinking all this just might be preventing many Aspie/autistics from obtaining relationships.

I see many “combinations” on the subway every day.

I tried growing a beard in my mid twenties. It made me look like a neckbeard.

I don't know that I agree. People who aren't successful are the ones who need to think about this stuff. If I had an easier time getting relationships, I wouldn't need to think about this stuff too much, but that's not how things have played out.

I had a friend who wasn't aspie but very socially clueless and obsessed with computers. The guy was perpetually single and complained about it a lot however every time I tried to help he always had an excuse and it usually revolved around superficial things like looks. I even got a text from a woman (no idea how she got my #) who expressed an interest in him and asked if he was still with me at a pub. He still made excuses about how she looked too good for him and did not wait around for her. I even showed him the very forward text and did he pursue it later? Heck no!

Thinking too much puts people into quagmires.

I used to think too much. That did me no favors.

Now that's just self-sabotage.

Interesting answer.

Sorry, I didn't mean hipster to be an insult, I don't have a wide beard related vocabulary, it was the best descriptor I could think of.

I'm not insulted by it. I just wanted to clarify that it's not just a trend for me.

Yes, and he did it to the point I could no longer associate with him. Case in point, he made a ton of money (at least double my salary) and he asked me for a apartment referral. I agreed and when the landlord called she almost interrogated me over the phone about him. I was really puzzled until I found out he was moving into a ghetto building that's practically condemned and she probably though he was a drug dealer. Like my ex I tolerated his behavior for far too long and kept trying to rescue him from his own foolish choices.

Sex and hunger are in different categories regarding human needs and its the chap in the video that linked attraction on physical looks alone to that urge to make babies.

Lol, to be clear I'm not advocating abstinence, more so a distancing from the basic bodily urges, taking control of your body with your mind, putting your brain in charge.



The chap in the video acknowledged that he was using extremes as examples, that put everything after that into a different context for me.

My thinking is simply dont aim above your level.



From my perspective the video was completely focussed on looks, personality was like an add on to explain fluidity/anomalies in the otherwise rigid 3 levels.

Exactly, it's the deep emotional connection that keeps a couple together, that's the aim, the main goal, the reason why depth of character is more, way more significant than looks.

Ok so there are shallow or deluded people out there who reject potential partners based on looks alone, or even based on other rigid criteria... that's fine, they are not the right match for a person on the autism spectrum. Their perspective is utterly irrelevant, unless you aren't seeking that emotional connection, at which point you best get good at masking your real self and invest in the delusion.


I agree, you do.

In order to not aim above my level, I'd first need to know what my level is, and I don't know exactly what it is, but I would be forced to infer that it's not very good.

A deep emotional connection is very important for sustaining a relationship, but I'd argue that physical compatibility (being attracted to one another) is also quite important. I think the reason that looks sometimes seem to take precedence over emotional connection is because they're the first thing you can evaluate upon meeting someone. If personality or values were the first thing you knew about someone when meeting them and you got to figure out what they looked like after, incompatible values would probably make all else null and void for most people too.

But physical attraction is still a piece of the puzzle. I would neither want to be with someone that I couldn't be physically attracted to, nor be with someone who couldn't be physically attracted to me. Looks are certainly not the only criteria I'm selecting for, but they also can't be ignored. Other traits I'd be selecting for include compatible values, personality, temperament, lifestyles, goals and other things along those lines.

^A while back I started a red flag thread in the womens forum, what I took from it were the warning signs to look out for... quite transferable for men or women.

Once I had a firm idea of what I didn't want personality wise, I started to notice characteristics that were truly important to me in people generally, I narrowed it down to the essentials, the things I could not compromise on. Some time after that I noticed my SO who is also on the spectrum and took a risk with my heart that paid off.

Let's go with a hypothetical scenario, where you are physically somewhere between average and below average to keep this grounded.

Maybe observe women in a similar physical bracket, (any age, size, single, married, this is just experimenting), what non physical characteristics do they have that are attractive to you? Are they nice to people, thoughtful and patient, open minded, fairly secure in their self worth, do they seem to make the people around them happy, do they have depth of character too, would they have the potential to treat you well and bring happiness into a relationship with you...

The more you do this assessment the better you get at recognising suitable partners, or at least thats how it was for me.

Yes of course there has to be a physical attraction, but, put it in its place, I over emphasise the non physical as a response to the obsession with looks generally, not just here.

To me looks are not a considered way to be 'hooked' for people on the autistic spectrum. Limited social energy, communication differences and repetitive ways of being requires a very specific partner for the relationship to be sustainable.
Otherwise the risks are higher of wasted years, social energy and missed opportunities with the right person.

I’ve seen quite a few people of “below average” looks kanoodling with people in a “higher class” in terms of looks.

I’m not, by any means, “elite” in my looks; yet, I would not preclude myself from having a relationship with somebody who is “better looking.”

I don’t believe I am “out of anybody’s league.” Nor is anybody else “out of my league” from a “looks” standpoint.