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Interaction with a couple at the library

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The Grand Inquisitor
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16 Dec 2019, 9:17 pm

Blue_Star wrote:
Marknis wrote:
A couple brought some books they wanted to check out up to me. They were all baby books and they mentioned that they were having a baby after I looked at them.


They are sharing what they consider to be happy news. If they hadn't said they were having a baby, any comment on pregnancy, babies, etc. would have generally been iffy.

Safe comments:
"Congrats!" <pause to take in non-verbal reaction. if not negative/awkward then continue>
..."Is this your first?"
...(might be awkward, but if you must include yourself) <slightly upbeat tone> "I hope to have a family someday too. Good luck with yours." <non-creepy smile>
...(in reference to the general idea that new parents don't get enough sleep) "I've heard that you should get your sleep in while you still can." <light chuckle>

Marknis wrote:
I told them how my mother didn’t want any of her children to have any kids of their own and tried to get my siblings and I vasectomies but that didn’t happen. I told the couple I was the only one who still doesn’t have any children but it’s not because I don’t want a family but because I have Aspergers and even trying to get a coffee date feels impossible for me.


Nothing in this is appropriate. It's completely oversharing/TMI. They don't want to learn your family issues or medical history. They're going for short small talk. Simple unsurprising interactions.

Other inappropriate comments:
"The world is overpopulated, & people are dying from starvation."
"Have you had any genetic testing yet?"
"I hope your family doesn't have any bad genes you're passing on."
"Is the baby yours?"
"I had an abortion."
"Why have a baby human? Baby animals are so much cuter, and they usually aren't an 18 year+ commitment."
"Good to know you're not just unhealthy/fat."

Marknis wrote:
The male of the couple said “You’re doing ok, man!” even though I just told him I can’t even get a coffee date. I don’t know why he said that since I am most certainly not ok.


I'd imagine he was uncomfortable and wanting to get out of there at that point.

This.

I understand that we're all on the spectrum, and not the best socially, but if you can't sense what's wrong with your response to the couple, then it's going to be difficult to explain it to you.

I don't know if this is negatively affecting your chances of getting a relationship or not, and this isn't meant as a criticism, rather a matter-of fact statement, but you cone across as quite self-centred. You have a real knack for inserting your own issues into threads that are about other people's issues, and I think doing this a bit is fine, but literally any time I see you comment in someone else's thread, you make it all about you and your problems. If you're doing this in real life like in the scenario above, that will be hurting your pursuit of social connections.

I think you have a bit of mind-blindness and struggle to see things from other people's point of view because you're so absorbed by your own issues, which again isn't a criticism, but something you'd probably benefit from working on.

If you'd been able to see the interaction above from the couple's point of view, you'd have realised that the couple probably doesn't want to be railroaded into discussing your issues. Just because you think something is relevant to the conversation (and in this case you were reaching) doesn't mean it's necessarily a good idea to bring it up. You'd benefit from considering what the people you're talking to are going to want out of the conversation rather than just deciding you're going to talk about whatever you feel like.

That couple probably felt the same way in that situation that you said you've felt when homeless men approach you in the carpark and ask for money. In both cases, it's an undesirable interaction.



The Grand Inquisitor
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16 Dec 2019, 9:18 pm

Marknis wrote:
If I get asked things like “Do you have a girlfriend?”, “Are you dating anyone?”, “Are you married?”, “Do you have children?”, “Do you want children?”, and other thorny questions, how should I react?

In this particular case, you weren't asked any questions.



Marknis
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17 Dec 2019, 10:09 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Marknis wrote:
If I get asked things like “Do you have a girlfriend?”, “Are you dating anyone?”, “Are you married?”, “Do you have children?”, “Do you want children?”, and other thorny questions, how should I react?

In this particular case, you weren't asked any questions.


It’s just something I often have happen to me. I also remember someone complaining about her kids and then asking me “You know what it’s like, right?” and I told her I don’t have any children. She looked stunned when I said that.



kraftiekortie
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17 Dec 2019, 10:56 am

Many people don't have kids by the time they reach their 30's. It's sort of the "norm" in certain places.



The Grand Inquisitor
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17 Dec 2019, 2:33 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Many people don't have kids by the time they reach their 30's. It's sort of the "norm" in certain places.

Yeah, but when you can't even get a coffee date, as Marknis would say, and when you've experienced "failure to launch" in terms of not being able to move out on your own and only making a fairly modest income, having children can seem like a pipe dream. Other people may wait until their 30s to have children, but in Marknis' case, so much would have to change before having children (at least responsibly) is even feasible.



Marknis
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17 Dec 2019, 3:14 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Many people don't have kids by the time they reach their 30's. It's sort of the "norm" in certain places.

Yeah, but when you can't even get a coffee date, as Marknis would say, and when you've experienced "failure to launch" in terms of not being able to move out on your own and only making a fairly modest income, having children can seem like a pipe dream. Other people may wait until their 30s to have children, but in Marknis' case, so much would have to change before having children (at least responsibly) is even feasible.


I’ve even been told God is cursing me for not worshipping Him but unknowingly worshipping Satan instead. The same idiot also said God is behind global warming to destroy those who think they are his real disciples. :roll:



Sahn
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17 Dec 2019, 4:58 pm

Do you recognise that sharing as an approach on their part and an opportunity to socialise, or not?



Last edited by Sahn on 17 Dec 2019, 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Marknis
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17 Dec 2019, 5:00 pm

domineekee wrote:
Do you recognise that sharing as an aproach on their part and an opportunity to socialise, or not?


They wanted to say something and I was compelled to reply but apparently I said the wrong things.



Sahn
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17 Dec 2019, 5:58 pm

Marknis wrote:
domineekee wrote:
Do you recognise that sharing as an aproach on their part and an opportunity to socialise, or not?


They wanted to say something and I was compelled to reply but apparently I said the wrong things.


No doubt they wanted to share their news with some people. Does the fact that you were one of them have any significance?



Marknis
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17 Dec 2019, 9:11 pm

domineekee wrote:
Marknis wrote:
domineekee wrote:
Do you recognise that sharing as an aproach on their part and an opportunity to socialise, or not?


They wanted to say something and I was compelled to reply but apparently I said the wrong things.


No doubt they wanted to share their news with some people. Does the fact that you were one of them have any significance?


I don’t really feel special that they told me. Bible Belters tend to just say things just to pass the time.



Sahn
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17 Dec 2019, 9:20 pm

Marknis wrote:
domineekee wrote:
Marknis wrote:
domineekee wrote:
Do you recognise that sharing as an aproach on their part and an opportunity to socialise, or not?


They wanted to say something and I was compelled to reply but apparently I said the wrong things.


No doubt they wanted to share their news with some people. Does the fact that you were one of them have any significance?


I don’t really feel special that they told me. Bible Belters tend to just say things just to pass the time.

How about you? Do you ever participate in small talk with random strangers?



Marknis
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18 Dec 2019, 1:41 am

domineekee wrote:
Marknis wrote:
domineekee wrote:
Marknis wrote:
domineekee wrote:
Do you recognise that sharing as an aproach on their part and an opportunity to socialise, or not?


They wanted to say something and I was compelled to reply but apparently I said the wrong things.


No doubt they wanted to share their news with some people. Does the fact that you were one of them have any significance?


I don’t really feel special that they told me. Bible Belters tend to just say things just to pass the time.

How about you? Do you ever participate in small talk with random strangers?


I don’t anymore because it’s too damn stressful.



The_Face_of_Boo
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18 Dec 2019, 2:22 am

Don't ever do this again.



Sahn
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18 Dec 2019, 8:09 am

Marknis wrote:
domineekee wrote:
Marknis wrote:
domineekee wrote:
Marknis wrote:
domineekee wrote:
Do you recognise that sharing as an aproach on their part and an opportunity to socialise, or not?


They wanted to say something and I was compelled to reply but apparently I said the wrong things.


No doubt they wanted to share their news with some people. Does the fact that you were one of them have any significance?


I don’t really feel special that they told me. Bible Belters tend to just say things just to pass the time.

How about you? Do you ever participate in small talk with random strangers?


I don’t anymore because it’s too damn stressful.

I'm often surprised when strangers treat me in an inclusive way. When they do, I try to take the opportunity and practice a bit of small talk. You must have struck them as being a nice guy for them to have talked to you. Maybe someone on your wavelength will think so too.



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18 Dec 2019, 8:50 am

This reminds me of a recent trip to Costco. There were two people in front of me in line who were having small talk. Person A says something to Person B about how cheap the bottled water is. Person B proceeds to go on a rant about how it's the 'Devil's Water' and it's poison, blah blah blah and the rest of the conversation was very awkward to even listen to.

Don't be person B.

Marknis wrote:
It’s just something I often have happen to me. I also remember someone complaining about her kids and then asking me “You know what it’s like, right?” and I told her I don’t have any children. She looked stunned when I said that.

I would take that as a massive compliment personally (when I was single that is) and might have commented on how I wish I could relate and see if anything came of the conversation. Today I might think "no, my baby is quite well behaved" but would never say it.



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18 Dec 2019, 1:25 pm

Marknis wrote:
A couple brought some books they wanted to check out up to me. They were all baby books and they mentioned that they were having a baby after I looked at them. I told them how my mother didn’t want any of her children to have any kids of their own and tried to get my siblings and I vasectomies but that didn’t happen. I told the couple I was the only one who still doesn’t have any children but it’s not because I don’t want a family but because I have Aspergers and even trying to get a coffee date feels impossible for me. The male of the couple said “You’re doing ok, man!” even though I just told him I can’t even get a coffee date. I don’t know why he said that since I am most certainly not ok.

This year has been one of my worst. I’ve failed to get out of my rut once more and I am fading instead of growing.


Why did your mom want your siblings to get vasectomies, bro?