Most unhelpful things I have been told

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^ Mona, no culture is totally genderless.

I didn't say TOTALLY genderless, just that gender expectations vary, at least to some extent, by culture, region, and subculture.

To be clear, I don’t live in a rural area. I live in a city but it’s a very Walmart, McDonald’s, church on almost every corner, and country music loving kind of city so it is backwards in those ways. There are billboards here that claim children are “evidence for God” and Fox News is heavily watched by the populace as well. Rural towns do surround the area so that is why rednecks are a common sight and the bars here cater to them. It’s honestly mind boggling to me. I live in an urban area but rural people congregate at Walmart, McDonald’s, the churches, and the crappy bars while country music is played at any place that has a radio.

What do Bible Belters say about Jews or atheists? I'm asking because I was formerly Jewish by faith/observation, and now I'm an atheist. (I'm still culturally Jewish, but I don't believe in god, by which I mean Yahweh.)

My educated guess says "nothing good". If I'm right, I should probably stay north of the Ohio River and west of the Mississippi River at all times.

Most Bible-Belters aren't "Bible-Belters" in the way they think. They are regular folks. It just so happens that many of them have a belief in God which is stronger than most.

I would vacation in the South any time. I've had friends who are Southern.

Just stay away from certain places patronized by people who make it known that they are racist. You can tell these sorts of places a mile away.....They are usually bar-type places.

Well, I've been to New Orleans, and found it highly welcoming, despite being in the Bible Belt and solidly Conservative in politics. I've even been to their bars, and was never called a Yankee or treated badly, not even in jest. Quite the opposite: the owner of one bar poured me a 16-oz beer for the price of a 12-oz, and introduced me to his dog that was walking around the place. That said, New Orleans and much of southern Louisiana have strong Catholic roots and a tolerant attitude for things like alcohol, dancing, etc. The rest of the Bible Belt, on the other hand, is overwhelmingly Southern Baptist, and considers many "fun" things to be sinful, even with the high teen pregnancy rate in the region.

So perhaps Marknis might find New Orleans, Baton Rouge, or Natchez to be a good option. They're still in the South, and don't require a cross-country move. (Which I did at age 10, and won't do again if someone paid me!) But they're more tolerant and don't have the stereotypical negative Bible Belt traits.

There are actually people who don't believe New Orleans is the "South" at all. It's its own sort of place---neither Northern nor Southern.

"Redneck" didn't always have the connotation of "racist," or even of fundamentalism. Back in the 70s-80s, a "Redneck" was a Southern person who worked hard and was "hick" in many ways. More like a country bumpkin male who worked hard either in the fields or garage or something like that. The "Dukes of Hazzard" depicted "rednecks."

Jews are either stereotyped positively or negatively. The positive stereotypes are that they are good with money and are God’s chosen people while the negative stereotypes are that they are stingy, the ones who killed Jesus, and also want white people to go extinct. Some Bible Belters also claim to support Israel but want to bomb the Middle East at the same time. I hope they realize Israel is in the Middle East.

Atheists are sometimes called “Satanists” which is silly or considered people who have no morals and think life is meaningless as well as “communists”. Some even dislike them even more than Muslims. The Atheist Experience, a radio show in Austin, tries to dispel these perceptions and have discussions. They get all the stereotypes thrown at them.



In my experience, they only get upset when “non-Christians” (they don’t consider any denomination outside themselves Christian) drink, smoke, dance, and have pre-marital sex. It’s ok for them to do it but not anyone else. Sure, there are some exceptions who really thump their bibles about the aforementioned activities but even they get laughed off by other Baptists.

This sounds ridiculous beyond ridiculous. But given what you've been saying about the Bible Belt, I'm not surprised people there believe it. First of all, Jews are white, so the "extinct" part doesn't make sense. Well, Mizrahi (Middle Eastern) Jews have a darker complexion, like Arabs, but they're considered white in the US. Second, I think people mentally exclude Israel when saying "Middle East"; they use it to mean "majority Muslim counties".

Since I'm still culturally Jewish, I sometimes use Judaism as a "cover" when I'm in social circles that look down on atheists. That is, I say I'm Jewish, and let people assume I believe in god (Yahweh) but not Jesus. I guess some Bible Belters are fine if you believe in some sort of a god, although they'd rather have you accept Jesus as your savior, but they consider atheism to be the lowest of the low.

Sigh. Sorry these are frustrating to hear. I do know they are. But that doesn't mean they are all wrong.

Understand no suggestion offers a guarantee. They are ALL about increasing your odds.

Going to church is definitely about increasing your odds. Most churches have more young single adult women in attendance than single men. Still, this assumes certain things about you and what you want that may not be accurate. Also, your childhood doesn't count.

"It will happen when you least expect it" certainly doesn't mean that it will happen every time you stop expecting it. It means that most people find their person when they aren't actively looking. Be happy in your life, open to but not seeking a relationship, and relationships are more likely to occur organically. Odds, not absolutes. And most women do not like someone who comes across as desperate or trying too hard. I'll confess that I hated this one when I was single, because there is nothing you can DO with it. You want something actionable, right? So, Yeah, its an annoying one to hear.

I think you are misreading the average situation when you decide that women in general favor bad boys. I just do not find that to be true. If you do, you are looking in the wrong places. Nothing here that I haven't said to you before. But also a concept I'm having trouble turning into something actionable for you, so I'll accept your frustration with what I'm saying.

Getting a girlfriend in college ... well, I know that certainly isn't true for everyone. I didn't get a boyfriend in college. Again, its just a statement of odds. With women currently enrolling at higher rates than men, it's simply a broader menu of potential candidates.

While you are more likely to find a dish you like on a bigger menu, it doesn't mean that is the only way to enjoy a really good meal. We can advise things that should help your odds, we can't make it actually happen. You know this.

As a woman, you want to hear the one that was always the most frustrating to me? "Smile." Uuuuggggghhhh.

As always, I hope you will find your person. I want it for you. Wish I could be more help, but I do know I can't.

I like the positive lists you all are starting. Good notes on those. Keep it up.

My therapist told me I need to put wanting a girlfriend on the back burner and turn my focus on to other things. I don’t know if I can take what she said and actually live up to it. I don’t know what to focus on and I just can’t bear seeing couples every day while I am always alone.

I've been through a bad phase lately. So many people I know are pairing up and I'm still alone. So I can relate.

But I've had a couple of weeks to wallow in self pity and I'm bored of it now. I've got things to do.

It's really difficult when you are feeling down to find any motivation to do things. Have you and your therapist talked about what kinds of things you can focus on? What sort of hobbies you might enjoy? If you have something solid to work towards that would be easier than just saying, "you need to do something else?" You'd have a definate goal.

Just about the key .. Therapist is being unhelpful unless they go in depth as described above. U might need to push these questions forward if the therapist isn't initiating.

Jeez....stop saying therapist!

This one of the most unhelpful things to be told, I personally believe that therapy rarely works for men when it comes to romance issues.

Yes that's probably true. Esp since this therapist didn't even bother coming up wiyh constructive forward thinking questions of substance. Just the same stuff anyone else cd. I just can't think of any other advice except asking family to buck up and help more but seems they don't have the understanding. At least a therapist is trained so if it's a decent one they won't further damage the client.

You're not supposed to go to a therapist to get dating advice. That's not what they're for. Therapists teach people how to deal with their emotions and find balance in their lives.

If you want dating advice go to a dating coach.