I fear rejection

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Number 2 is what Isabella was alluding to.

I'm beginning to wish I had a more "autistic" approach to life. I always rely on the chemistry I have with people, with men it has always got me into deep sh.t. A confident man is alluring, but most predators are confident. My ADD makes me act first and think later.

Only for handsome men.

The second way depends a lot on the venue, the setting, luck...and your looks.

The first way...well, just don't do it.

I just don’t seem to mesh with people, even if they have common interests with me. It works for others but when I do it, I get zilch. It’s like no one wants to make social connections anymore or everyone else is part of a party and my invitation got lost in the mail.

Yes, that's the adult life....when people reach a certain age (usually after they finish college and start working), they "lock" their social group(s), and don't seem to be interested to expand them personally; they may expand on their own via friends of a friend but they won't be interested to introduce a total stranger to the group.

They date people through these very same groups.

So if you are not part of any group, it will be very difficult to penetrate one.

I’m so overwhelmed that maybe I really should go ahead and give up? I’ve fallen so far behind and catching up feels impossible.

Do you fear rejection more than being alone? Does the fear of the one become worse if it's the more recent feeling you dealt with? (like basically leading to toggling between which one you're more avoidant of, even if they're both present all the time)

I really should fear being alone more but I suppose I am used to it since it’s a common occurrence for me so the fear of rejection is stronger.

I can see how that would really undermine one's attempts to keep trying.

I wonder if there's a way you could inoculate yourself against that, even if only temporarily. I guess that's where a bigger social circle helps, when it happens you have people to vent to and say it'll be better next time. Then again, that's why the people who post in your threads do so, because we believe successful outcomes aren't impossible even if you haven't had much luck so far.

It's harder than most people let on.

I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll keep waking up every ten years wondering why am I still single. I’ve lived three decades of life so far and I am not getting any younger. That so many women my age are married or in long term relationships doesn’t encourage me to feel more hopeful. It also feels like I’ll have to call myself a Christian since there doesn’t seem to be many non-religious or even just spiritual people.

While this approach isn’t without its flaws, this scene came to mind after reading the OP and I do think it has quite a bit of value:



Just like any sales or self promotion, every “No,” gets you one step closer to a “Yes.” People just have to be patient and persistent and keep their chin up. Try and try again, don’t allow one rejection (or 23) to dissuade you from asking someone else out. Let each rejection roll off you like water off a duck’s back and eventually you’ll find a match. It’s all just a matter of basic statistical probabilities, really. Fearing rejection and not asking anyone out guarantees 100% that you don’t get a date. Every ask improves your chances.

Actually, it’s us on the spectrum who are “idiots,” technically.

Those NT guys encouraged him to cold-approach because that’s what works for them and so they assume any guy can do it. When the op fails at it, it’s funny to them because they don’t understand autism and why it’s difficult for us on the spectrum to do social things that are innate for them.

As I’ve recommended on these forums, use your Aspie strengths and communicate by text. Message email text online app whatever. Initiate contact digitally, exchange a few messages, then agree to meet in person for a coffee date or whatever if you click. Much less socially awkward to arrange by text than to master in person communications while being uncontrollably Aspie & anxious.

You think my grandparents met on tinder?

No. They met in public, or at Church, or at dances.

You think my parents met on plentyoffish?

No. They actually met at a bar.

Closest thing they would have maybe had to what we do are text personal ads in the back of a local newspaper.

Using the internet and text communications to meet potential dates is a relatively new thing. Us on the spectrum can take sweet, sweet, advantage of that. In my grandparents generation pretty well all of us weirdos would have either remained single forever or been dead last choice of a partner for someone who felt they needed to pair up and build a family on their own homestead like everyone else in town.

The internet has certainly become the great equalizer for us. I likely wouldn’t get laid without it.

Ideally, I want a friendship that becomes romantic. One of my half-sisters told me she and her husband were friends before they started dating. However, it’s difficult for me to even make friends with women. Women where I live tend to align with social expectations that women are often subjected to and aren’t open to male friendships if her boyfriend/husband doesn’t let her.

So then make friends with males who are partners with females and then eventually meet their gf or wives friends.