HighLlama wrote:
TimmyBoy wrote:
The response to this kind of behaviour has been mixed among my family and friends. Some agree with me that it is controlling, abusive and unacceptable, whereas others have a softer stance, saying things like "weeeeeeeeell I sort of see what you mean, but she is insecure, perhaps she just needs a bit of understanding and patience" (even though the girls in question had promised me about 400 times that they would stop acting this way only to break those promises later). I really can't imagine that, if I tried to control my girlfriend in that way, I would get such a soft response. I am sure people would say "what an abusive, controlling scumbag! How dare he tell you what to do! Get rid of him NOW!"
People who are just insecure aren't that paranoid and controlling. They worry about their personal fears, rather than insisting what they fear is true and refusing to accept when reality proves them wrong. Sorry you had to go through this. I have been there, too. People who act this way will tell you whatever you want to hear as you pull away and draw a boundary. But, they will always go back to the way they know how to deal with the world once you give into them. If they truly want to change, they will. If they truly respect you, they will. Instead, most of these individuals blame everyone but themselves, but they live in a hell they themselves perpetuate.
I had controlling behavior in my 1st two relationships as a result of being very insecure & paranoid. I wanted to change & tried working on myself but it wasn't till towards the end of my 2nd relationship when I had a better understanding of what my issues were. It was BAD anxiety & BAD OCD. I got thoughts in my head that wouldn't leave & they developed into panic attacks. I kinda slipped into a psychotic depression & I couldn't tell that my beliefs weren't reality. I ended up taking things out on my exes as a result.
I started anxiety & OCD medication towards the end of my 2nd relationship after I had an idea of what was going on & researched treatments. I did start to improve but it was too little too late to save things. I got in my current relationship shortly after & things are going a lot better partly cuz of meds & partly cuz she's more clingy/needy & affectionate than my exes were. I'm very far from perfect in lots of ways but I can see that I improved a hell of a lot since my 1st relationship.
Getting back to the OT... I do think there is a double standard with domestic abuse for women & men. It's probably for the reasons that were already mentioned. & it's probably similar for the reason why a guy is considered a horrible person if he beats up a girl but he's considered a wuss if a girl beats him up or if he doesn't retaliate when a girl physically assaults him.
14 May 2020, 1:53 pm
