Treading Carefully

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Fnord
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09 Jul 2020, 10:39 am

Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:

Hmm. One vote in favor of reaching out. One vote against. I'm hoping for a tie-breaker post.

You might consider your friend's disinterest as another "No" vote.

You have considered his lack of interest in you as an expression of what he wants, haven't you?

I mean, our opinions really don't matter, but his do. Why do you seem to think otherwise?

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The mere fact that science may not yet adequately explain an object, event, or experience does not mean the immediate explanation should automatically default to a conspiratorial, extraterrestrial, paranormal, or supernatural cause.

Steve1963
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09 Jul 2020, 10:41 am

He calls almost monthly...surely that's interest?

The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Jul 2020, 10:42 am

I would put my veto vote: No.

/end of thread

Steve1963
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09 Jul 2020, 10:43 am

lol

Happy_Fun_Ball
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09 Jul 2020, 10:47 am

Fnord wrote:

You have considered his lack of interest in you as an expression of what he wants, haven't you?

I don't think he's been disinterested. Quite the contrary. He's reached out at least monthly. He's phoned more than once, though we only spoke a few weeks ago.

I'd like for this to continue. I guess I was asking the Forum how to optimize the likelihood, that it does.

The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Jul 2020, 10:48 am

No.

Happy_Fun_Ball
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09 Jul 2020, 10:50 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

I would put my veto vote: No.

/end of thread

Noted, with thanks. LOL

I realize there's really no "right" answer. I'll just sit and wait. I did commit to NOT reaching out to him anymore, and if only for my own integrity, that's what I'll do.

Steve1963
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09 Jul 2020, 10:52 am

Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:

I did commit to NOT reaching out to him anymore, and if only for my own integrity, that's what I'll do.

Under what circumstances? Did he prompt this or what it of your own doing?

Happy_Fun_Ball
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09 Jul 2020, 10:54 am

Steve1963 wrote:

Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:

I did commit to NOT reaching out to him anymore, and if only for my own integrity, that's what I'll do.

Under what circumstances? Did he prompt this or what it of your own doing?

When we parted ways late last year on the relationship side, it was his choice, but we both wavered at the time. I told him I would help make it "stick" by committing not to reach out to him anymore. We have a history of short break-ups and reconciliations.

Fnord
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09 Jul 2020, 11:01 am

Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:

Fnord wrote:

You have considered his lack of interest in you as an expression of what he wants, haven't you?

I don't think he's been disinterested. Quite the contrary. He's reached out at least monthly. He's phoned more than once, though we only spoke a few weeks ago.

Are you assuming that an occasional act of "reaching out" is anything more than an expression of familiarity?

Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:

I'd like for this to continue. I guess I was asking the Forum how to optimize the likelihood, that it does.

By "continue" do you mean "take it to the next level" or just maintain the status quo?

Keep in mind that most of us male aspies have had little or no experience with relationships, and even less "luck" with getting a girlfriend. Most of us seem to base our ideas on relationships from watching NT couples in public places and fictional couples on TV. Some of us have even fallen into the trap of believing that what we see on Incel and porn websites is a reflection of real life. Do you really want the advice of a bunch of horny, lonely, stressed-out men who have little chance of ever getting a date (much less a girlfriend)?

(For the record, I've been happily married for more than 1/4-century, so I think I know what I'm talking about.)

Here's the bottom line: If you want to increase his interest in you, then you need to become more interesting to him; but if you want to keep the relationship the way it is, then don't try to fix it.

Happy_Fun_Ball
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09 Jul 2020, 11:03 am

Fnord wrote:

just maintain the status quo?

I want to maintain the status quo, but not scare him off. I do read his reaching out as more than just an expression of familiarity. He's not the type to reach out to many.

Fnord wrote:

Here's the bottom line: If you want to increase his interest in you, then you need to become more interesting to him; but if you want to keep the relationship the way it is, then don't try to fix it.

Thank you.

Steve1963
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09 Jul 2020, 12:29 pm

Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:

I do read his reaching out as more than just an expression of familiarity. He's not the type to reach out to many.

Then reach back!

Chain
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10 Jul 2020, 9:35 am

Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:

Hmm. One vote in favor of reaching out. One vote against. I'm hoping for a tie-breaker post.

I say reach out! (with some suggestions)

I cannot speak to why he does what he does because there is extreme variability in ASD.

What tends to be common between us folks on the spectrum is a need for straight forward verbal communication. Explain clearly what you want with no subtlety or in between the lines. I would recommend writing it out and thinking about the exact boundaries of what this friendship would look like to you.

He may have been more hurt than you can see. Take responsibility for your part of the miscommunications of the past and hope he will examine his role. You might be able to be friends. It is so hard to say not knowing him.

If I only had NT friends like you who try to understand me by researching my differences, I would feel much less isolated. He would be lucky to have you stay in his life!

"virtual hug" and I hope you can be friends with him!

_________________
I may use terms that are part of my theory of "Functional Cognitive Typology". Diagnosis is always a mixed bag but generally they map to the cognitive type when in dysfunction:
C = Cultural (NT), EC = Extra-Cultural (ASD)
U = understanding ~ ADD/ADHD
A = acceptance ~ baseline, normal
T = trust ~ possible schizotypal disorder
R = respect ~ NPD
C = cerebral (adrenaline averse), S = somatic (adrenaline seeking)

I am ECUC/S (cusp cerebral/somatic)

The_Face_of_Boo
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10 Jul 2020, 9:56 am

No, don't reach him out, don't!

/ps. just for adding some drama effect, I don't care either way.

Happy_Fun_Ball
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10 Jul 2020, 11:03 am

Chain wrote:

If I only had NT friends like you who try to understand me by researching my differences, I would feel much less isolated. He would be lucky to have you stay in his life!

"virtual hug" and I hope you can be friends with him!

Wow, this is very supportive. Regardless of what I decide to do, I appreciate your input. *Virtual Hug* to you, as well. Thank you.

The fact is, he is an incredibly intelligent and unique man, and we really "get" each other because I'm likewise very rational-minded and largely unemotional (especially for a woman). I have also made great headway around understanding our differences (though perhaps too late).

Although a relationship won't work for us, we really "clicked" inter-personally. If were were able to continue a friendship, we would both benefit from the connection.

I do have hope that it will happen, ultimately.

Archmage Arcane
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12 Jul 2020, 9:30 pm

I don't know where his mind is on this. If you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie. That said, it sounds like you want to reach out. Chain's advice is good.

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