Can you control NOT falling in love with someone?

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kraftiekortie
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21 Sep 2020, 8:46 am

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad.

The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Sep 2020, 10:32 am

amygdala417 wrote:

kraftiekortie wrote:

There are black, Ethiopian Jews.

And don’t forget: Sammy Davis Jr. converted to Judaism.

And Epstein, a character in a show called “Welcome Back Kotter,” was a Puerto Rican Jew.

I’m glad the sex is good for you. But I do hope “more” results.

I’m a Jewish (non-religious) man who is married to a black woman.

It is true that half of Jews marry other ethnicities and it’s one of the reasons why I really like my Jewish friends. Some of them are very open minded and anti racist. But unfortunately I don’t think it’s the case with B, even though he looks un-religious.

Sometimes I feel confused listening to this man and his description of Judaism. He eats pork, rails coke on Rosh Hashanah and it seems like he’s enjoying all the things he could get away with, except for the Jewish wife thing (but even with this issue he’s enjoying me, something he might feel like he could get away with).

What’s the point of abiding to this one rule if the religion itself does not matter that much? Am I just seeing a secular racist?

I try not to be dismissive and think the real issue might be more nuanced, for example - a sense of community is important for him and he really wants to fit in. But he never found any other community except for when he connects with others based on Jewish identity.

Ughhh I’m feeling sad again.

You are seeing a mama boy; someone who can’t refuse their parent’s will.

nick007
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21 Sep 2020, 10:38 am

Do you feel like you have to have a committed relationship with him rite now amy :?: It's not uncommon for guys to get scared of commitment or a relationship turning serious. Sometimes the guys change their minds as the relationship goes on but pressuring the guy to be committed especially early on can make em run. Sometimes they'll come back but other times they won't. It's also pretty common for people to have dealbreakers or requirements about relationships that they'll quickly toss aside under certain circumstances so I wouldn't completely rule out him changing his mind. I also wouldn't completely rule out you changing your mind about him down the road. Maybe he'll do something that will turn you off or maybe you'll meet another guy that you will fall for. If your enjoying yourself rite now the way things are & like having sex & spending time with him, you could just carry on as is & see how things play out for a while.

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amygdala417
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21 Sep 2020, 11:54 am

nick007 wrote:

Do you feel like you have to have a committed relationship with him rite now amy :?:

It's not uncommon for guys to get scared of commitment or a relationship turning serious. Sometimes the guys change their minds as the relationship goes on but pressuring the guy to be committed especially early on can make em run. Sometimes they'll come back but other times they won't. It's also pretty common for people to have dealbreakers or requirements about relationships that they'll quickly toss aside under certain circumstances so I wouldn't completely rule out him changing his mind. I also wouldn't completely rule out you changing your mind about him down the road. Maybe he'll do something that will turn you off or maybe you'll meet another guy that you will fall for. If your enjoying yourself rite now the way things are & like having sex & spending time with him, you could just carry on as is & see how things play out for a while.

Hi Nick, you have a very good point and I agree with you on a general basis. This specific guy tho is more on the touchy feely side and he actually wants a romantic relationship. I’m fairly confident that revealing these emotions won’t scare him away.

And it’s very sweet of you to write down these optimistic scenarios. I try to not overlook the dealbreakers because I’m not him, and I will never concretely understand how important these values are. The issue is less about commitment and more about the form of our relationship: do I confess that I’m feeling romantic and ask if he wants to do dating things (watching movies, going on errands and having petty fights over little things)? Or do I try to stop my emotions by deciding seeing him strictly for sex (because the doom seems somewhat inevitable, and maybe it’s better to invest less emotionally)? If so - how can one control NOT falling in love?

Sorry to hit you with even more questions!

kraftiekortie
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21 Sep 2020, 12:27 pm

It’s an awful thing just seeing somebody “for the sex.”

I had that sort of thing. And it was grating on me.

I’m not judging you at all. Just relaying my experience with that sort of thing.

that1weirdgrrrl
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21 Sep 2020, 12:37 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Well, as long you find the sex with him AMAZING then you will fall in love with him.

That's how you're programmed.

Oxytocin and dopamine are real.

I tend to share these sentiments. For whatever it is worth.....

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kraftiekortie
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21 Sep 2020, 12:43 pm

I’ve had amazing sex with people which wasn’t worth it when the whole situation was considered.

quite an extreme
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21 Sep 2020, 4:16 pm

amygdala417 wrote:

The issue is less about commitment and more about the form of our relationship: do I confess that I’m feeling romantic and ask if he wants to do dating things (watching movies, going on errands and having petty fights over little things)?

You aren't doing yet? I guess he wan't you for sex only until he meets another one but dislikes the idea to show up with you. But ask him how he 'feels' about that romantic dating stuff. :twisted:

I guess that you have to skip that idiot or religiot as long as you dislike being used and hurt by him anymore. :wink:

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21 Sep 2020, 7:23 pm

amygdala417 wrote:

cyberdad wrote:

@OP

I had a female friend who (for separate reasons) friendzoned me. But we used to hang out when I was in my 20s.

One day she fell head over heels for an Egyptian dude who was tall and with tight curly hair and model good looks. She asked me what I thought :roll:

I told her to be careful because of religion. She insisted nothing to worry about since he was christian so it wasn't an issue.

Well of course given her enthusiasm they had "amazing sex" and of course she told me everything. This went on for a a couple of years and she was talking about marriage. She got engaged and I shrugged my shoulders and congratulated her.

Then out of the blue he vanished. She called his home and his mother told her he went back to Egypt to get married. She was distraught! How could "Mr wonderful" have done this....she was so special to him....or so he told her.

His mother was rather brutal - she was not to contact him anymore - he changed his phone number and what my friend didn't realise is that he wasn't just christian, he was coptic christian. The Copts (like orthodox Jews) only marry their own sect. While he was happy to enjoy having sex with different women here in Australia when the time came he was a dutiful son and went back home to fetch a good coptic wife. He simply ghosted this poor girl.

This is honestly such a horrific story and I’m sorry for your friend. It’s what I’m scared of in this situation - and especially because my parents are extremely open-minded people, it’s hard for me to believe some family would bend the will of their children and the child would not fight back (no theory of mind, duh). I don’t want to have any false hope and look like an idiot in the end

Just speculation, but I suspect the man in cyberdad's anecdote was simply using the woman and knew what he was doing.

Personally, I think you need to be careful with the relationship you are in.
Being "careful/cautious" here doesn't hurt anyone.

quite an extreme wrote:

I can't imagine that your religion is the real issue regarding his family. I would guess it's your race that he is afraid his family or others won't accept. Changing your religion won't make any difference. I'm quite sure that he uses his religion as an excuse only.

Yup.

Pepe
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21 Sep 2020, 7:41 pm

amygdala417 wrote:

Pepe wrote:

@OP.

You want a long term relationship.
He won't commit. (4 years, maybe? lol)

It is rather simple.
Have fun sexually, and keep on looking.
I.E. Have an "open relationship", and look for a potential long term partner.

If need be, "test drive" the second one and keep the first,
Or,
When you find someone, turn the FBuddy relationship to a platonic friendship, if he is OK with that.

Whatever the case, I think you need to emotionally ween yourself off the guy who won't commit.
Just keep it a "scratch the itch" relationship, seriously.

Damn!
Talk about being in a great position. :mrgreen:

Hi Pepe

The issue here is it’s very hard to not feel emotional. I think one previous commenter made a lot of sense, it’s easy to feel emotional if sex is amazing. All the chemicals that go on.

I recently went on several dates with a guy, he’s smart, observant, fun, v successful and etc etc. We had a great time together and things were going well. One day when we were together I just violently, uncontrollably started thinking about B and feeling sad.

Is it hard to fall for someone else when you’re already entangled with someone? Or did I just not like this new guy enough to have feelings?

As my good icky friend Boo noted, "Oxytocin and dopamine are real."
Oxytocin is called "The luv drug" for a reason.
It encourages a bonding process between two people to begin the procreation and child-rearing mechanism.
I believe women tend to be more affected than men.

Many men have no problem "sowing their wild oats."
I believe in this more modern western culture, many women think the same.

What makes you different?
Biological makeup?
Social/cultural/parental influences?
A combination?

What are/were the value systems of your parents?
How much has this affected your thinking?

If you can't emotionally wean yourself off your sex partner, you may have to consider breaking off the relationship to find one that lasts. (It doesn't sound to me that the one you are in now will, imo).

In effect, it seems your "penis" is overruling your brain. :mrgreen:

The bonding mechanism does break down over time.
If it doesn't this might be an indication of an underlying mental condition, imo.

quite an extreme wrote:

amygdala417 wrote:

You aren't doing yet? I guess he wan't you for sex only until he meets another one but dislikes the idea to show up with you. But ask him how he 'feels' about that romantic dating stuff. :twisted:

I guess that you have to skip that idiot or religiot as long as you dislike being used and hurt by him anymore. :wink:

Rather harsh, but I tend to agree.

cyberdad
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21 Sep 2020, 8:10 pm

amygdala417 wrote:

I think the point is that if we have all invested emotional energy into a relationship at least once in our lives where the other person has not been entirely honest/open about their intentions.

You need to be mentally and emotionally prepared when and if this doesn't work out. Orthodox religious families have a strong pull on their children and you are competing with 1000s of years of tradition. I think the signs are already there that you should move on but at the end of the day that's your decision to make not any random person on WP.

I'm afraid its all part of growing as a person.

cyberdad
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21 Sep 2020, 8:12 pm

Pepe wrote:

Just speculation, but I suspect the man in cyberdad's anecdote was simply using the woman and knew what he was doing.

Pretty much

kraftiekortie
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21 Sep 2020, 10:47 pm

I would really dig a woman with thorough knowledge of the amygdala. This guy’s missing out!