People giving ill advice all the time.

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I also notice in a lot of NT is if you like or dislike something they don't, they think that gives them the right to criticise you. And I see NTs do this to each other, not just to non-NTs.

It's like some extreme dog-lovers who make insensitive and even heartless comments about cats, not caring that they have offended cat-lovers like myself. As a cat-lover, I don't say insensitive things about dogs, especially not to those who love dogs or owns a dog. I'm not keen on some dogs because I don't like the way they are hyper, clumsy, noisy and intrusive, but I wouldn't say heartless things about dogs. I don't even think heartless things about dogs.

Yeah - especially when it comes to chatting up/engaging with people you find attractive.

Nothing wrong with (in normal times where there's no virus going around) two straight guys in a village shop meeting in a shop and having a platonic chat though.

Tends to happen less often than females, stereotypically. And when it does happen, tends to be more often that they do it in the local pub. Stereotypically it's the older females who like a good gossip in the shop or post office.

Well, by "ill" I meant it as silly or stupid, but not as ill-intentioned.

One of the most things about these advices that baffle me is ignoring gender realities, it happens a lot when a woman gives an advice to a man or vice versa.

One of the advices I gave to guys long ago here regarding dating apps is that, if they have a good body shape, is to post a shirtless pic in a natural setting (ie. like beach or doing some activity like hiking); it's something that Okcupid proved its effectiveness in one of their stat articles, I've tried it myself and the reply rate by women boosted like by 200% compared to almost zero than before.

Now imagine I was giving this same advice to overweight or skinny guys, or worse....to women. lol How stupid this advice would have sounded? We don't live in a gender-neutral world out there, human society is very sexually dimorphic, why a lot of people don't get this?

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 13 Dec 2020, 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This. NTs have their own rules if it comes to this. It's quite easy for women only to talk to other women or also men. The problem is the way that the brains of NTs are. Her advice doesn't help a guy with AS. If she really wants to help then she should accompany you for helping you to establish contacts. It's very easy for her. Women treat guys already differently if they are in companionship of attractive girls. If a NT woman wants to help then she should openly explain the way that NT women judge men and especially the liked and very disliked things beside of her very private preferences if it comes to men. Most women care men only if they notice other people treating them with a lot of respect and if they show a visibly high self-confidence. In times of Corona panic it's an even more hard thing to get in contact at all as long as you are outside of existing social groups.

Last edited by quite an extreme on 13 Dec 2020, 5:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mr extreme. I've tried helping my male friends out. I invite them to get-togethers, but they don't end up talking to the girls one-on-one or exchanging numbers.

I say to then, "hey tell that story about x," to get them engaged in the group conversation, but nothing ever seems to come of these little parties.

I always try and invite just enough people for a group, but small enough to enable us all to talk without anyone being left out. It's not a big house party.

But nothing.

They all don't talk to each other unless I make them sit in the same room together.

I'm a rubbish matchmaker lol.

I'm afraid that because of social hierarchy and overall attractivity that humans care are the things not working that simple way.

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Good point...Sad but true...
I have been following this thread carefully to avoid making similar mistakes...And especially to avoid misunderstandings to the extent that is reasonable...As i well know that neuro-diversity invariable leads to misunderstandings...Be assured, my dear friends that your posts are helpful...

No, it’s not you.

The fact that these male friends struggle and need help means that they’re generally.... unattractive. So your female friends, like most of the other women, won’t be attracted to them either.

Do *you* find any of them attractive? I guess not lol

Could be also the way the women are or the style and the mood of both or preferences regarding the opposite gender aso.

A little bit yes, but they're too young for me. I went on date with one, he rejected me. One, I couldn't stand his Dad and did not want to join that family, even though he's very nice. I really liked his friend, but he was too young for me. There are no men my age left.

The women get no interest either, so you'd call them unattractive too. The thing is, im not attracted to women, so i cant say if they're appealing or not. Neither the men or women were models, just average folks.

One of the guys is married now and 3 are currently in relationships. The women are all still single.

Yes, people won't be attracted to each other just because they are single, so what was I expecting.

I've just realised none of these guys needed my help because they're all paired up now, apart from 1.

Boo will say the women are too fussy, but they're all shy. All have been burned by men and are more cautious now. You can't get away from the gender norm that boys ask girls out, so now they feel that being too forward is off putting and opens you up to having your heart torn out and stamped on, so are wary of making the first move because they don't want to be humiliated again.

Last edited by hurtloam on 13 Dec 2020, 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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With all due respect, i beg to differ...In a society founded on the rule of law, INTENT is everything...

Please allow me to give you an example...In the state of CA, if i am driving recklessly and as a direct result of my reckless driving, somebody dies, i will be charged with vehicular manslaughter...This charge carries a sentence of 3, 5, or 7 years...(If in the military, then 20 years per victim)...How do judges determine which sentence to apply???...They base it on mitigating or extenuating factors...On the scale of justice, judges weight these factors, and decide whether to apply the lower sentence, the moderate sentence or the most severe allowed by law...In fact, in many legal cases, INTENT is a determining factor...

If i myself were on the spectrum, i would want all mitigating factors to be taken into account, so that the lesser sentence is applied to my case...I would want my doctors to testify on my behalf to clearly explain to a judge or jury how my autistic traits contributed to my wrongdoing, because of the limitations imposed by said disorder...It saddens me to learn that a significant number of inmates, as many as 12%, suffer from some neurological ailment that may have contributed in some way to their wrongdoing...I am not going to play the devil's advocate, here...

My point being that even those with greater knowledge and wisdom (judicial system) acknowledge the importance of INTENT as a determining factor in legal matters...Furthermore, when we apply a similar reasoning to our interpersonal relationships, how much more importance the element of INTENT acquires...We are far more willing to forgive someone who did not mean to hurt us...And even when they purposely hurt us, we are more willing to forgive them if they apologize for their wrongdoing...So, yes, INTENT is everything...

Thank you for reading...

What if the advice given to the autistic person is unhelpful? It's the first time you've given that unhelpful advice, but the autistic person has heard it from several different people over the years and it's always been wrong for them as an individual.

You don't realise that. You don't realise how triggering it is for them to have that darkness now invade their safe aspie place.

You can be sorry, but it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. The aspie has a panic attack and days of sore stomachs.

You don't intend to hurt, but it hurts.

The best thing is to listen.

I know an older, retired couple. I got talking to the husband and I can't remember what he said to me, but it was the first time someone had listened to me in years. I cried with relief because someone finally understood me. He said wise things to me. Made me feel like a real person.

I don't get on with his wife. When I was hurting, she didn't listen, she just jumped straight in with why I wasn't good enough and spouting tropes at me. Totally didn't understand. I had to delete her from Facebook because she upset me so much. She wanted to help, but she just tore the wound wider.

Being understood is more amazing than all the useless "advice" in the world.

*sorry for all the edits. My spelling is terrible.

Sorry, the advice I gave here earlier was likely not completely correct, although weight/physical appearance/personal hygiene are often important.

I think that the most common area that us people with ASD have with dating is that we aren't particularly good at interacting with others, perhaps due to not liking small talk, communicating tangentially, not being able to read peoples body language, having anxiety disorders, low social status (lack of money to pay for dates, holidays, love nests, flowers etc.) Sure, the obstacles are big. But not impossible.

I personally think that many of us Aspies probably need to either employ the use of an experienced wing man,
or perhaps find other aspies to work things out with together. As they are for the most part in the same boat as we are, so perhaps more understanding.

anyway, just an idea. Sorry for the confusion.

They need to be punched right in the mask with brass knuckles.

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Yes, i get you...I totally get you...100%...
Bad advice, well-intended or ill-intended can be annoying to an NT; but to an Aspie, it could be DEVASTATING...I am sorry...Rest assured that i am learning not to make these mistakes with my beloved (Aspie) husband...