[ POLL ] Career or Family?

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... I should probably clarify, I got pressured into spending all my energy on the career thing. I consider it pretty destructive personally.

Did your family know you had autism yet still pressured you? My father is still in denial about things like uneven skill set.

Career. It's better for everyone. Not as if I'm forgoing having children as a gay man, anyways. With a successful career, I'd be of greater service to society, and have the financial resources to decide what positive impact to make. Without a partner I won't be burdening anyone with my ASD & comorbids. There are also other extenuating circumstances that make a successful career more probable than having a life partner and I Know it - I'm Autistic; not stupid. And yet, it's still a bittersweet poll choice to select.. everyone wants what they can't have.

All that said, real life isn't all or nothing. I have a LOT of family and friends in my life, and several God kids & nephews/niece/2nd cousins etc - lot's of kids to interact with, give guidance to, see grow up and pursue their own life's paths and so on. It's not as if being single and working a job = zero joy of family connections. Not at all! Some of these kids have entrepreneurial parents that have worked so much that when the kids were little ones they fell asleep on me more often than their father. So, even choosing to chase after solo pursuits, I still have family connections. These choices aren't exactly fully either or irl.

A happy family without a second thought.

I am with you, Juliette. Most of my family members have careers but they are extremely miserable, especially my parents. They are doctors but they didn’t become ones for noble reasons and they are always stressed out. I want a happy family and hope it will become true before too long.

Last edited by Marknis on 02 Apr 2021, 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think that I'd rather have a happy family. Having a successful career would be nice, but being lonely sucks a lot.

It's the whole reason for the pressure.

They're convinced that my intelligence just makes things easier for me.

Hi. I'm Raederle, a neurodivergent INFJ.

My family:

Lytenian, INFP, my partner since 2009, husband since 2010, and we've been living together this entire time, rarely separated for more than few hours a time. He's also neurodivergent and I actually joined Wrong Planet forums largely to ask questions about how I might get him on SSI since he's been unable to acquire employment for ten years. Lytenian's difficulties are disabling, although we both have a hard time swallowing the idea of him being called 'disabled.' Lytenian and I decided in 2012 that we were polyamorous. Not much came of that until 2015.

Greg, ENTP, my partner since 2015, husband since 2016. Lytenian and I moved into Greg's house. Greg's been a godsend to us, filling all the gaps that our life and relationship had and eliminating much of our stress burden (although not alleviating Lytenian's chronic anxiety, unfortunately).

Ronska, INTJ, my boyfriend since January 2021. He doesn't live with us and doesn't want to. He's also on the spectrum, but he's independent and ambitious.

So that's why I'd have to choose my family over my career. I wouldn't give these people up. I need them for my emotional health (which is the foundation of my physical health). I never did well as a single person.

That said, I also can't give up my career for the sake of short-term money. While I could make more money in the short-term by working full-time doing any number of things (or by simply taking on more clients), my purpose in life is writing and the books I've written are my pride – my replacement for giving birth to children. Instead of babes of my body I am producing typed pages of my conciliated wisdom.

Some of my published works include:

Perspective Alchemy – A practical how-to guide to exploring and healing subconscious beliefs, phobias, and traumas.
Living Big & Traveling Far on $8,000 a Year (or Less!) – A guide to making the most out of your money and never compromising your health in the process.
Voice of Conscience –An ice-breaker game of ethical quandaries great for skipping the small talk and delving into meaningful discussions.

♥

..unless you live in a city & have a roof over your head. $8K/year isn't even survival money. This book must be written for living and travelling in places like Haiti or something.

The book is based on one woman's experiences in travelling by herself from 2010 to 2015 -- 7 to 12 years ago!

She should try it while caring for a special-needs child during the current pandemic.

I choose career.

As a matter of fact, I have an easier time relating to the local barista than my family.

The barista makes good coffee, is polite, doesn't ask intrusive questions about my private life, doesn't burden me with unwelcome details about his/her private life, ... and we have an implicit understanding that neither of us should take up more than a few seconds of each other's time.

And by focusing on my career, I can easily afford the overpriced coffee.

The book was inspired because my husband and I are both special-needs and were never able to work a regular job. We made our way through work-trade situations, avoiding rent, shopping food sales, and finding atypical forms of work.

Everyone assumed we were wealthy, but really, we had a traveling, unusual lifestyle because we couldn't fit ourselves into a regular mold.

While there has been some inflation since 2015, I don't think the principles in the book are the least bit outdated. Plus, I overhauled all the prices quoted in the book in 2019, so it's quite up to date.

— Raederle

Numbers start to get downright ludicrous when you make direct comparisons based on exchange rates alone. That's how I make a living, actually (I don't work much, but I work with foreign clients). Literal dollar amounts are not proportional at all to actual living conditions.

8000 USD a year or so (under current exchange rates) was enough for me to be living on my own in a decent two-bedroom apartment with 24-hour security in a good neighborhood and still saving a decent amount every month (because I don't care to "have a life", but anyway...). Except that the exchange rate was very different back then (two years ago), so I don't even know how to actually make the comparison. There has been significant inflation, but it's nowhere near the level of currency depreciation in the same period.

Chose the family life. Union job, overtime opportunities and guaranteed hours. It still doesn't come close to paying for all needs considering inflation and rising costs of just about everything. A monthly daycare bill on top of mortgage, condo fees, car payments, insurance and necessities can eat a whole lot of your pay.
On the bright side, I can afford to take vacation and the occasional sick day as it doesn't affect my paycheck. The carbon tax means nothing to me personally as it doesn't benefit a person in my situation one bit. On the other hand, the tax return we receive for daycare bills are quite substantial. Families tend to get better tax breaks than you might think where we are, but it may disappear when the government up here decides its time to pay for the emergency benefits.

After reading through the previous answers, it seems to me that for upper management types, career comes before family, while for the average wage-earner, family comes before career.

Does anyone else see this?

I'm an "average wage earner." I picked "career."

I'm really not that much of a "family" person.