At wits end

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I totally understand the friend pressure and people dropping by causes such anxiety. He knew we were going to meet up with them, but he wasn't prepared for the drop in. I was taken aback because they were interrupting our alone time, but we were done dinner, check paid, so there was no point shooing them away. In the NT world, these drop ins are a sign of affection. These people have been my friends for 20 years. He likes my friends, but didn’t like the change. I never let my friends come visit us when we go to the beach, etc., because I know it’s too much for him. I used to sit with three to five friends on beach days. I changed my beach and don’t answer the phone. They have gotten the hint to leave us alone. Apparently the direct statement of my telling them when he is here I am not available. Not if you lock yourself out of the house, need a ride to the hospital, whatever I would normally be there to do for my friends in a heartbeat. Nothing when he’s around. And I like it that way. A lot. It is peaceful with just the two of us. And my friends understand my unavailability and are happy that I am so happy with him.

0 equals true: Forgive your friends if they are inconsiderate and remind them when they do something that makes you uncomfortable.

Cal: What’s your definition of unstable?

One cannot be emotional and rational at the same time. It just takes some people more time to bounce back from the emotional “I’m hurt/annoyed” to the rational “That wasn’t so bad”. One week is pretty quick. It takes me about 3 days. Day 1 shocked, day 2 pissed, day 3 sad, day 4 over it. Bouncie!!

Cal: Space issues definitely will drive two people insane, especially if one or both require private down time. I think what the worst is when you look back and regret how you hurt someone and see what you could have done differently. Remember, you were living in a different mind frame and made different decisions than you would now that you are out of it and calm. A lot of hurt is retaliation for things you didn’t even know hurt you. Please stop looking at the closed doors behind you or you will never see the opened ones in front of you!!

Many men (NTs included) have problems with pride. Because men are generally achievement-orientated they consider asking for help to be an indication of failure.

With AS this is compounded by low self-esteem and a fear of being abandoned for being different. Fear leads to emotional isolation leads to misunderstandings and arguements and a greater need to solve the impossible in isolation. The pressure on oneself gradually builds up and the resulting behaviour makes less and less sense.

It is hard to explain to someone that the reason you are annoyed and withdrawn and argumentative with them is because you love them and are afraid that they will leave. It makes no sense at all to the partner on the receiving end - everything you do seems designed to hurt. In fact, quite the opposite is true.

I have ruined several wonderful relationships through this nasty, self-perpetuating downward spiral. The only way out is to talk. If possible, talk before things get too bad. But if not, hope and pray that you find someone like fivecents who will welcome you back when you're finally ready to explain and sort things out.

Waah. He rarely looks in my eyes. I sometimes catch him checking me out, but rarely does he maintain eye contact. Usually there is a bottle of wine involved when he does. Yes, always in sunglasses. It is so funny that all these things he does are normal for him. I have pretty much accepted his behaviors and adapted the way I do things long before I figured out the AS part. Knowing the AS makes it so much easier to just not be mad and not take things personally. Especially his imaginary stress. He always thinks things are going to be horrible and stresses and things are fine.

So, before he stormed out he said he’d see me whatever night I have to go to the airport. That is tonight. I was going to not even go to his house and drive myself in the morning, and wait for him to call and see what is wrong. I have now decided that since he did apologize, and did not respond to my “we have to talk” text, he is having anxiety over talking. My new plan is to just show up, cook his favorite dinner, give him little kisses and tell him I love him. I know he will talk about it eventually when he’s ready, but I think the only way to break the ice is to go up and reinforce that I am not the bad guy, nor the cause of his stress, and I am only there to support him, not tell him what to do. I am thinking if I just make it cozy and leave for a few days and come back, he will be ready. I definitely now know to NOT push the issue. I also don’t want to ignore him and make him beg me back (sooo NT), I hate that game.

Ok, I know this has become boring. He texted Wed, asked if I would come up for ride to airport, and acted if nothing happened. I know he will discuss eventually, but does he not care about us? Does he not love me? Is he just doing some obligation I can certainly do on my own? He was just his normal self (until the morning when he complained I hogged the bed. I chase him all over the bed while I sleep just to touch him. He CAN shove me away...)

Am I an ass for thinking everything is fine? Is he pretending? Ha, how would anyone really know... Just venting...