How to let someone down gently?

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How, and how long ago, did you first meet (or otherwise encounter) the person who invited you into the group?


In other words, this guy barely knows you at all? Yet he has already professed full-fledged love for you? Not just said he likes you and asked you for a date?

In the past, when someone who barely knows me has professed full-fledged love for me, my usual response has been to explain why I reject the entire concept of "love at first sight," and to explain that a person who doesn't know me can't possibly love me, but can love only a very incomplete image of me that they have in their head.

The other person's usual response to this has been to ask for an opportunity to get to know me, i.e., ask for a date. To that, my typical response has been a barrage of questions about the person's interests, beliefs, habits, etc. Almost inevitably, the person's answers to these questions revealed a bunch of specific incompatibilities that I could then point to as reasons why an intimate relationship between me and this other person could never work (apart from the fact that a person who believes in "love at first sight" is already, ipso facto, a person whose mindset is utterly different from my own).

I realize that the above is very contrary to the usual advice on how to reject people. The usual advice is just to say a firm no, without giving any reasons. But I personally have always felt that being able to point to specific reasons gives the person more closure than just saying no.

One reason why this has worked well for me is that I'm not as obsessed with looks and social status as a lot of people are.

Alas, there probably isn't a good, diplomatic way to say things like "you're not good-looking enough for me" or "you're not earning enough money for me." So, if those are your main reasons for rejecting someone, then rejection with specific reasons is probably not a good idea.

On the other hand, when I have rejected people, the overall message has not been "you're not good enough for me" but rather "you don't fit into my weird lifestyle." In other words, horizontal incompatibilities rather than some absolute vertical scale of desirability.

Also, rejection with reasons is impossible if, for you, love is primarily rooted in a mysterious, ineffable "chemistry."

On the other hand, for me, love is simply a gradually-growing result of the process of getting to know a sufficiently compatible person. For me, there is nothing mysterious about my love for another person.


You haven't yet clarified exactly what this group means to you, or how it would hurt you to be alienated from this group. Is it just a group of potential friends, or does it have a potentially important role in other aspects of your life, e.g. your career? Also, if it's just a group of potential friends, is there some reason why some other group of potential friends wouldn't be just as good? For example, is it the only group of people you could find who share some specific interest of yours?

If you can tell us more about why this group is so important to you, this might help us brainstorm ways to make clear to him (and to others in the group) your desire to remain in the group.

EDIT: Telling us what kind of group it is, and more about what this group means to you, may help us brainstorm the best way to reject the guy, too. For example, if it's a career-oriented group, you might say something like, "I prefer not to mix business with romance" (but only if you intend to rule out the possibility of romance with anyone else in the group, too).

Not a fan of advice when it comes to relations, but if it were me, i.e., I was the male: 'I'm not interested [in romantic relations], sorry.'

Would suffice. I'm autistic though, but I still feel all the same (maybe too much), so I don't think I'd be too aberrant when it comes to seeing that as an appropriate response. Someone either has feelings for someone or they don't; if nothing is there, then something can't come from that. Feelings make something.

You could try saying:

• "The voices have told me to <ghastly events from a horror movie>."

• "You remind me of my ex!"

• "Can you get us tickets to <name of expensive event>?"

• "The kind of wedding I want is <describe a celebrity wedding>."

• "I'm having my period right now."

• "Can you afford a ring?"

• "Can you be a good father?"

• "Do you have a job?"

• "What kind of car do you drive?"

• "Ooo . . . check out those abs/boobs/buns!" <Said while pointing to a random person.>

It’s rough to be put in the position you’re in.

Ultimately, though, honesty really is the best policy—even though this statement is a cliche.

Be nice, but direct. Make it clear that you're rejecting him, without going into details why you're rejecting him. For instance, you can text him something like this,

"hey [name of person] I want to be honest with you. I think you're a nice person but I would rather be friends. Hope you understand".


It's simple, it's direct and making it clear that you're rejecting him, without being mean about it.

Here's another idea I thought of for how you can get this guy to stop liking you back. This is 100% serious by the way. It's unconventional, but it could in theory work so hear me out.


In theory, it hurts more to be rejected than to be the one doing the rejecting. If you're rejecting someone, it probably doesn't hurt you all that much because you're really not interested in that person. This is especially true if you think the other person is an a-hole, or has other qualities you dislike in a person, and now you REALLY feel good about not giving the person a chance.

So what does this have to do with your situation? It's simple really. Put yourself in a position to where he's the one rejecting you, that way he won't feel too bad about you and him not working out. How do you do that? Next time you see him, especially if you're hanging out 1 on 1, act like someone who isn't "dating material" at all. Show up looking like a slob, talk about how you don't believe in relationships or serial monogamy, talk about how it's okay to cheat, or how you don't want kids, complain a lot, etc... Figure out what traits he wants in a partner and act the opposite of that.


If it works, he'll no longer be attracted to you, and won't even feel too bad about it not working out, because like I said, it hurts less to be the one doing the rejecting, especially if you justify it because you think the other person is an a-hole, or has qualities you don't like.

Sounds like a lot of work.... a lot of effort to go to...why would anybody do that...that's only complicating matters...

I knew this one girl who went out with me, who didn't act like dating material at all. She showed up dressed like a slob, smoked right in my face, told me her idea of "fun" was getting f'ed up every week and make out with random guys at a bar. Told me how much of a hoe she was and admitted she was crazy.


So I didn't feel too bad about it working out between us. But it's been a couple months and now i'm starting to think, what if she intentionally acted bad on a first date to make me lost interest? It's actually kind of brilliant. Manipulative, but brilliant.

Agreed about the basic idea of trying to make the rejection mutual. But doing this in the over-the-top kind of way you suggested above is probably NOT a good idea, given that the OP wants to remain in the friend group and cares about her reputation in that group.

"I have monkey herpes"

It will be much more believable if you say "I'm having a woman's period right now" [apologies to the Red Dwarf writers but it is a classic]

Last edited by munstead on 03 Feb 2022, 1:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

To be (more) serious for a moment - and sorry I always resort to humour as my way of coping in this crazy world - to your original question I am not sure there is a way of guaranteeing the standing of you/him/others in your social group. I do not mean to upset or worry you, more that from what I observed of group behaviours there can very occasionally be quite strong reactions. As in, if a man professes their love for a female and is rejected the man may sulk very strongly in some situations and may leave the group, lash out verbally etc. There are lots of ways it could go. I do not at all suggest you should change HOW you act, simply be prepared for some weird outcomes even if these are low probability events. In fact I would recommend NOT letting this change how you act, just be prepared. It may also help to prep one of the other group that you get on with the best as to the situation, so you have a definite ally should things go pear shaped.

The guilt thing. Hmm, that's tricky. The guilt possibility or actuality simply shows what a good person you are, that you care about their feelings and ego etc. As you and others say, this is not about you. You have free will and so can choose to do what you like with your body and mind; this is their issue. I guess the most useful thing to consider is that when we are young emotions cloud lots of things. I know that in a few years this person will be far more accepting and will understand the situation far better than they will in the moment. So try to take the longer term perspective.

Last edited by munstead on 03 Feb 2022, 1:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

These were funny.

I'm under the impression that "I have a boyfriend" is common and doesn't have to be factual. Supposedly, all pretty women have a boyfriend of some sort of another. They are allowed to use less than complete honest means to get men to leave them alone.

If someone is being a horndog, I definitely don't think it has to be factual. I understand it may be considered lying but some phrases are just thrown around. Anybody that checks on the veracity of it goes down a path they shouldn't go down.

I don't necessarily disaggree, I just want to follow up with how I see that it can seen.

Whisper to him, "I think I might be pregnant.  Will you be the daddy?"

If he does not leave skid marks (one way or another) then he may actually be a keeper.

The problem here is that the O.P. wants to maintain her standing in the friend group that she has newly become part of. That means any dishonesty may have more consequences than it would if, for example, she were rejecting someone she had met via a dating app. So anything she says to him needs to be, at least, consistent with what she would say to anyone else in the group.