I have a soulmate...

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I just want him back so bad. I’d actually like to go on a trip to take my mind off things. I don’t care about how much it would cost. I’ll worry about that later. I just need to get the hell out of this town for a while. Away from all the same judgemental faces.

Trigger warning: I talk about self harm here.

Man how am I going to do the mountain of dishes piled up in my kitchen. He was my motivation to do things. I have none now. Like I’ve been lying in bed all afternoon talking to you guys after I got done scratching my arms in hatred for my body and throwing a tantrum sobbing. That’s okay. My neighbours already think I’m nuts. But I wish I could make more noise. I want to yell and scream and go crazy to vent my frustration of loss. I want to cut myself and see the blood. I want to feel something for once. I’m numb.

Seriously there are so many dishes. I’m dying, alone and my town sucks. Why can’t someone else do my stupid dishes. I should just buy styrofoam or paper plates and plastic cutlery...maybe I could hire someone to do them for me.

I’ve been drinking almost every night. Not much just a strong can of sparkling wine. The drinks were expensive. I want more. I shouldn’t be drinking with my heart like this. But I can’t bare the loss. How could the universe be so cruel. What is that guys problem. I was on my period.

Someday, you’re going to look back at this post and cringe.

What do you mean?

It depends on the nature of the heart disease.

I know people who survive many years with heart disease.

Do you have atrial fibrillation?

I don’t know yet. I haven’t seen a specialist yet. They haven’t even bothered with giving me a scan. The health care isn’t so great in my town if you’re poor. But yeah I see a specialist in a few months.

It's not definite that you have only two more years to live.

I hope not just two. I must learn to fill the void within me. Not sure if hanging out with my other ex is what I want. I guess it would be wrong to do nothing but sob on the couch every morning. And it is like that every morning. I really love him. I feel pretty guilty so I’m just going to sit with the guilt for now and my mixed emotions. It’s going to take a while to get over it this guy. He was the one.

I truly wish you could get better treatment.

I wish you could feel better.

I wonder if reading about Buddhism or something might help you a little bit.

Not a bad idea. I’ll think about it after I’m done being shocked over this. I’d also like to read more about Hinduism and even Christianity. Don’t know enough about these religions but I’m interested in them. Don’t think I’ll ever convert to a religion. Just learn from them.