Approaching someone in public

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It can be extremely difficult for some of us to change our special interest, especially when it's related to faulty coping mechanisms like alcoholism. He'd be better off trying to get his social interactions from support groups like AA or groups for people with other mental issues like autism, depression, or anxiety.

I suspect this is one of those things where there is not a correct answer and there will be different opinions based on personal preference and culture. Nonetheless, many do find it frightening, especially since men tend to approach women who are alone in public and who have no one to help them if the in interaction becomes dangerous.

I personally would distinguish between social spaces where it's expected strangers will approach each other, either romantically or otherwise, and, like, being interrupted when I'm fast walking to my doctor's appointment. The first would include 'third spaces' like bars, coffee shops, meet up or special interest groups, maybe a park with many people around, etc but not places where the person can't get away from you, like public transportation, elevators, crosswalks, etc.

Limiting yourself to the first I think is a nice compromise because it means the person has help if the interaction becomes dangerous and that the approacher has some level of social accountability if they do anything inappropriate. This is something that even many NTs are afraid to do now though.

Also, speaking personally, I have never asked a stranger to date me and have rejected every stranger who tried it with me. I also don't like the "Try to have a conversation with them first and ask them out if they respond well" because it starts feeling like every man being vaguely nice must have ulterior motives and I'll be leading them on if I so much as make eye contact. If they have very specific intentions like that from the start, I'd rather know as soon as possible so that I can get rejecting them over with.

Now I feel decidedly creepy.
I once leapt off a tram to approach a girl whose style just ticked ALL my boxes.
I had never been that impulsive before. It was a busy shopping street and she didn't seem at all put out being accosted by 2 metres of punk rocker.
I'm guessing my innate harmlessness defused the approach, while my silvertongue made the pitch. (And if you really must know....yes, although I failed to establish an ongoing relationship.)

I don't think I would even have tried were it somewhere less crowded. Generally I would only approach someone in a venue where such approach wouldn't be unexpected, unless I interpreted eye contact as an invitation (and that would be second guessed to the point of ridiculousness)

I knew a woman at work who had met her huband while she was hitchhiking. I think that was around the end of the 90s when she was living in a different state.

Good points...

Don't females require a lot of verification before being comfortable that a stranger is "safe" and "compatible"? there's a strange non-linear algorithm where women who are average somehow seem available get hit on more > very attractive women. the latter maybe seem out of reach so men don't invest or waste their time striking up a conversation. But totally understand being careful not to lead on a punter.

Not necessarily. We aren’t all the same when it comes to this stuff or anything else. With that being said, I think a guy having “specific intentions” is a bit different than a guy who is genuinely interested in getting to know you as a friend and, if things evolve, that’s great, but if not, the friendship still stands.
I don’t think that’s at all true.

If you're thinking about how things feel from the other person's perspective and trying to avoid things you would find frightening in their situation, I would say you are at least less creepy than many people. There is also some inherent awkwardness and vulnerability in being 'the initiator' where no matter how you approach things some people won't like it.

I don't personally believe everyone who asks someone out on the side walk is doing something absolutely inappropriate and your context (other people/ store cameras around, many places to escape) sounds relatively less threatening than some situations I've experienced. I'm proposing this as a heuristic since it seems to be something very difficult for many people to judge in the moment.



I won't claim to know what most women are thinking, especially straight NT women, but I think it's hard to establish someone as safe and compatible during a single conversation where you talk about some topic like your shopping or the book the other person is reading. Even if you are going to agree to a date with that man, you are probably going to choose some safe public space like a coffee shop for the first date. There you can try to have a longer conversation with them where you get a sense for their values and interpersonal relationships. Then, if they seem, okay you spend more time in public spaces on future dates, but could involve things like parks etc and observe how they interact with you and other people.

Fundamentally, it's going to be risky dating a stranger totally outside your social circle, especially one who approached you in public without you soliciting romantic advances (eg, not in a singles group or a dating website). If someone is not okay with that risk, then it's unclear to me why they would ever say yes to any of these people. Serial killers are known to be quite charming and personable, after all, so 5-10 minutes of friendly conversation doesn't tell much. I think I would be nervous even if it was another woman who approached me randomly like this.

I get NT women might care more about 'vibes' than logical risk assessment and might not like it if someone makes their intentions clear from the start instead of going through various social subtext, but this is at least how I experience it. All the subtext and secret messages where I'm supposed to realize hidden intentions is not great and has led to misunderstandings in my day to day life. The men who are straightforward at least quickly get the information they need, which is to try elsewhere.



I don't think it's true either as a general statement about what women experience, but the different presentations do seem to attract different people. There is a subset who prefer 'approachable' women and will sometimes stereotype more conventionally presenting women with negative traits, as well as people who see the 'approachable' women as more vulnerable and therefore more targetable for the bad stuff. I suspect the conforming women get more interest overall and still plenty of being targeted for the bad stuff.

Valid, although some guys insert themselves into a woman's orbit without openly advertising their intention. But yes, otherwise agree.

I wrote quite a long post about social circles being a "safe zone" for women several years ago on L&D. Yes this seems like common sense, males in a social circle can be easily vetted, plus there's the added bonus they are more likely socially compatible. On the flipside, friendship groups can make it awkward to start dating one of the guys in the group as everyone in your circle kind of knows each other. to give a simple example, I noticed in my highschool years no girl ever dated a guy in our classes because everyone knew each other (plus the taunting). So finding somebody outside of the group has its advantages also.

You mention dating websites. I think here's where things have been thrown in disarray in dating. there's a strange dynamic here. I don't pretend to know the ins and outs but the general consensus is most men (lets be conservative and say > 50%) who use dating websites can't seem to get a date. Secondly the proportion of women who use dating websites is < men. But dating websites mean the value of striking up a conversation F2F is diminishing. the current generation of teenage girls won't talk to boys unless they have a social media account where the teens can check out their virtual presence and chat online before agreeing to meet.

"We're students at the same school" is at least more of an existing connection than "We were both outside in the same town/city," so there are different levels to this.

I one time had a woman seem interested in me when we were both volunteering in the same museum, but never on the same day before. She started talking to me around closing time, when the museum patrons were gone and we were getting ready to leave. Our conversation did not lead to pursuing things further, but I would not have been nervous about meeting her in a public place to learn more about her, even though I didn't know much about her. Things like "Literally a serial killer targeting female museum volunteers" were unlikely because someone would have noticed and told her to stop doing that or to stop volunteering. I could also theoretically have gotten more information from other people if I wanted to do so, like asking other volunteers if they knew anything about her. These are assurances you don't have with a total stranger who approaches you on the streets uninvited.

Actually volunteers are not a bad choice. they are usually passionate and willing to chat. the problem are zoo and museum volunteers tend to be older women or men.

As a woman, I find men who suddenly approach me outside quite creepy. I don't respond well to it. The setting has to be "natural" (like a shared hobby or a party) and only after a conversation would I want to be asked out. Suddenly walking up to a woman outside is really creepy to me.

The women in my extended family must be really weird then because a lot of em first met their boyfriends in public situations. ie both sitting next to each other on a plane ride for business trips, shopping at the same grocery store, or got to talking with someone at a festival. They had very social jobs as well.

I also find it creepy to be asked out by total strangers, not that it’s happened in a long time, but whenever it has, it made me really uncomfortable. There’s a bit of a difference between hitting it off with someone in an organic way and being spotted from across the room/street, approached, and asked out with little to no conversation leading up to it.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 16 Aug 2024, 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.