Why are other sites so harsh on people with AS?

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Correct, they always assume is the Aspie with the problem as he does not do what is expected. Perhaps if more women would open there eyes and smell the daisies and realise that by acting the way they do they are just making things worse.

See, they go into relationships thinking they are going to change the man. I blame social conditioning of girls for much of this as they are brought up to think they need to "train" their men.

It's almost as if they are being taught to be a mother to their husband or boyfriend rather than an equal or close to equal partner.

well this is the first site i have liked.
I dont know why but some people are stupid.
xx

I get the impression that most women of the type in question would be just as unhappy if married to NT men. The only difference is that there would be no direct target at which to aim their frustrations. On the internet, we only read about the AT/NT marriages which are in trouble because the people involved in happy AS/NT marriages have nothing to complain about and don't need to post about their marriages online; no need to fix what isn't broken. Yet, it's sad that we don't hear their stories, but such is life that the bad things get all the attention while the good is ignored and left in obscurity.

Although, now this topic has reminded me, it does not hold up any hopes for me of finding a good partner, since all the girls i meet don't seem able to accept I am who I am, I've got good intentions but all girls seem to assume im weird, i act inappropriately and im not cut out to be with them. They don't open the book and read the goodness inside.

I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad. My reason for beginning the topic in the first place is that I think that most of the other sites are putting garbage out there. Most women who have been in bad relationships with NT men will tell you that guys with aspergers are a welcome change. There's a big difference in having trouble showing your emotions than being a narcissus creep who uses women to make yourself feel good. I was in a marriage for 18 years with the former kind. I'll tell a little more about that in a moment. First I would like to say that it would probably be hard for a man with aspergers to deal with a shy woman. The only reason I would assume that is because it would be hard for her to tell him what she wanted or needed in the relationship. I for one, when I feel comfortable in a relationship have no trouble expressing my needs to some one I care about. The silence that often accompanies aspergers is refreshing to me. I am really attracted to someone that has aspergers and I'm sure if we ever got into a relationship we could work out the kinks. We would compromise until we had a workable connection. I know there is many issues at play in this sort of pairing, but there's adjustments to be made in any relationship. I am the one that first noticed his aspergers traits and he looked up information and he decided that it fit him to a "T." Even in sharing my thoughts about him having it, I made sure he knew that I didn't look at it as being a negative thing. He was made aware that it would not change my feelings for him. He's going in the next few weeks to be diagnosed and when he gets the diagnoses the only thing that will change is some of the ways I relate to him. I plan on working to make him feel more comfortable. Would I want him to be NT? No! Most of the traits I find so appealing about him are aspergers traits. There's something about this shy, gentle, kind, and truthful person I find hard to resist. Does it hurt that he won't talk on the phone with me unless it's a have to case? At the first it bothered me, but the fact he would travel about 50 miles to be able to answer one of my emails is priceless? At this time he thinks he is unable to date anyone. I wonder if he had been understood in relationships before if that would be the case? He's afraid of being hurt again.

Now the other type of man:

I am 40 years old and was married to a man for 18 years. We had been together since I was 17. At the first I thought it was "cute" the way he wanted to know everything about me and everywhere I went. It was even "cute" when I got put on third shift where I worked at and he wanted to go with me every night to work and sleep in the car just so he knew that I was okay. It wasn't until much later I found out he was going to see other women during that time. He gradually took control and I wasn't allowed to have friends or even go see my family unless I begged and begged. If he did allow me to go I had a fight waiting when I got back to the house and it would go on for weeks. When my grandmother died my dad called me to come to him. My husband let me know if I went I would be sorry. My dad only lived 20 minutes away and I went. It was a major fight for weeks. When I was in the hospital having our child (I had to have a c-section) he had his girlfriend at the hospital. I was up that night (split in two) riding the elevators trying to find them on the ground floor. He didn't get rid of her until our son was 7 months old. Then he went on to internet women. My son would find names, numbers and addresses of women my husband was trying to meet from the internet. Every part of me was ridiculed. I had no self-esteem at all. Then my son got type 1 diabetes. Do you think my husband tried to help with that? No, he decided my son was flawed and he completely disowned him at the age of 10 except to fuss and cuss him. (His favorite name for my son was "ret*d bastard." He would hit at him and start every kind of fight imaginable with him.) I know you are probably wondering why I stayed with him..........He is the one that had the good job. He had never allowed me to have a decent paying job. He didn't want me working around other men. It took almost 100 dollars a month for my son to live with insurance. Would you leave if insurance was keeping your child alive? We had to leave last March because he decided that he had been planning to kill me first, then our son, and finally himself. He was going into one rage right after another and there was nothing to do but leave. For all intent I had been out of the marriage for many years, but had to stay in it. He still lives in our house and refuses to sign the divorce papers. Why would he? He is not having to pay anything and he is living in the house. I am having to go to court (this will be the 15th time) to get him to finally sign the papers and let us go.

You guys have aspergers would you treat someone the way he treated me? Think about it. There is many women out there that would find your aspergers traits to be very positive.

I would not do that at all. It;s disgusting the way that man treated you. Most aspies are so loyal that betrayal is not an option, the tihnk ab out going behind someones back when we normally have very few people we feel any sort fo connection or bond with. We would do anything to keep hold of our friendships, and in relationships wise. To hurt the other person would send us into a huge panic because we would ever dream fo hurting them.

What you just wrote just made my heart feel glad. I have a searing loyalism in my heart towards my mother and that would extend to people I care and trust. I would protect them to the last. I'm a quiet sort of person (with my own particular dark form of reality) but I don't think there's a lot wrong with me.

My brother is an aggressive thief (we've just found out he stole about £1k from us and he stole and trashed my mum's car last year) and a druggie. I have Asperger's. Which one would you choose?

Last edited by Tequila on 06 Jan 2008, 2:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There is someone out there for you guys. And I'm sure you know which one I would choose. Aspergers to me is just a disability if someone lets it become one. So you will never be the life of the party or want to go on a lot of social outings. I'm suppose to be NT and I don't like those things either. Let me ask you guys another question. If you were around someone that had been blind since birth would you describe things around them and try to help them? What would be so different about a woman telling you about her emotions and tell you what she needed back? Would you get involved with someone that was blind? I would if I cared about the person. And I want to stress that aspergers has a lot of positive qualities.

My soon to be ex husband is a very mean and controlling person. I went to court the 4th and he got another laugh at me. They sent us to mediation and the judge who was mediating it brought in a note that said my husband was agreeing to give up all visitation with my son. And then he went to work on all the things he thought I should give up. If I fudged on it he would go is this worth fighting over and taking a chance that your husband will get visitation. I finally signed the paper and he took it over for my husband to sign. He signed it all except the visitation part. He actually scratched that one out. The mediator looked at me and smiled and said, "He wants to see the kid." I told the mediator to rip the whole contract up. The only reason I had signed was to see that my kid never had to be abused again by him. That's the type of person I was married to. I don't think any of the people I have come in contact with on this site would ever do such a thing.

And I'm sorry that your brother did that to your mom. My granny was always doing something like that to her kids. It made people have very mixed up feelings about her. And those feelings continue to this day even though she passed away about three years ago. My mom will sometimes look at me and ask did I think her mom ever loved her. It's a hard situation to be in.

there should be a whole new court system when people with autism are involved. there really should be. sorry for being so off topic.

I don't mind not being the life of the party. The people who are often come across as destructive, backstabbing dickheads with no lives anyway.

I want to find my own Star of the County Down (http://is.bleicker.de/songs/).

I'm partially sighted anyway (but a keen amateur photographer strangely enough!) so that's kind of included. I feel like I'm half-blind! The amount of times I've forgotten where I've put my shoes is quite unreal. Oh, and have you ever heard of poor short-term memory?

"What's for dinner?"
"Cottage pie, Tequila."
"Oh, OK."

(three and a half minutes later)

"What's for dinner?"
"It's cottage pie, Tequila."
"Oh, OK."

(ten minutes later)

"Mum, I know you told me but... what's for tea again?"
"TEQUILA, IT'S COTTAGE PIE - THAT'S THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE ASKED ME IN TEN MINUTES! STOP ASKING ME!"
"Sorry! Sorry."

...and on it goes.



He sounds like a horrible and twisted man and you have my every sympathy. I wouldn't dream of doing anything like that to my own flesh and blood. May life have some interesting times in store for him.



Luckily my mum is very close to me. I think the shock that she now has to borrow from me to buy another used car (because of his stealing and trashing actions last year when he was too young to have a driver's licence!) has upset her. To be honest I would quite like to paint his bedroom walls a shade of red but I think he's that doped up it wouldn't make any difference. Me and my mother want to sell up and get the hell out of Dodge.

Are you in the United States by the way sands?

I'm from Kentucky. I suppose I'm country all the way.

I appreciate everyones honesty and I know that most people do not act the way my soon to be ex-husband does. Having to deal with him just makes me a stronger person. I know in the end he will get what he deserves. He's missing out on a great kid that loves me dearly.