Don't trust ANYTHING women say.

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No, I had the excact same issues with the women I was seeing before her. Sending me mixed signals all the time. I'm sick and tired of always being alone and all the women I'm attracted to tell me "I just want to be friends." I'm very frustrated over this. Every time i try this crap happens. So I must be the one thats screwed up. I want to stop feeling this way.

Yeah, good luck with that. How do you even know if killing yourself will stop the torment? I'm not too convinced it will ever end so I'm trying to deal with it now.

The thing I've realized is that it's not the signals that are mixed it's the receiver. I CAN'T perceive intent. I need open and specific dialog, and hell, I've been married to my current wife for nearly 8 years and somehow I still can't read her mind. -_-

This is me:


Stop blaming women. That attitude is not helping matters any. It's not easy, but what the heck ever is for us? Yes, we get attached easily and quickly, yes the level of dialog that we need takes precious time to develop, yes many people send signals that we find confusing, and yes some will lead us on for some sick sense of satisfaction. Reality bites.

I think you dodged a bullet. Just think of how you would have felt about this woman had she actually had sex with you and then backed off into the friend zone. Yeah. Been there. Not fun.

I also think that you hit the nail on the head. "Every time I try..." You want to quit something? Quit trying. Become unavailable. Strive to be 100% self reliant and put that desire for companionship way back on the back burner and focus on self development and fulfillment. GIVE IT TIME. Hell, if you have to, wear a wedding band and when (not if, you'll see) a woman asks if you're married you tell her that you're not but you wear it to keep being distracted from accomplishing your goals. You do that and you'll probably end up being the one who gets proposed to. I'm speaking from experience.

Hi, I'm a NT girl (my boyfriend has AS) but I just wanted to say- I'm sure this girl wasn't aiming to hurt you. It's better that she was honest about her feelings this early, rather than further on down the line. I've been in the reverse of your situation- ie I've slept in the same bed as a boy who I knew liked me and I thought that something might grow there but then realised it was wrong and I know I hurt him, I didn't mean to. He was upset and angry and I felt awful but we all make mistakes. None of us really do the whole relationship thing that well! He's now very happy with another girl and we're still friends.

We all get our hearts broken, believe me, I've been there and you feel like nobody will ever be as right as them again. But there are lots of girls out there who will appreciate you and your uniqueness. Please don't give up on relationships, you may get more knocks but please, stick with it.

Not entirely true. Sure...there are some females out there who just want to use you and as you put it..."mess with you". I am female and have found the same thing amoung females AND males alike. There are nice people in the world though.

I'll tell you this right now KenM, if you put out a loser-ish, un-confident vibe, women will know. Like they can smell it.

Women want a man. Women put you in the "friend" catigory because you likely do not come off as confident, which is an un-attractive trait for men or women.

You need to have respect and confidence in yourself.

Women that are not confident become easy prey for men that want to use them, usually sexually. The same can be said for un-confident men. They become prey for women that want to tease them and get a power-trip off of it. They like that you want them but they will not let you have them.

If you had confidence in yourself, would not let this woman get to you like this, or dwell over the fact that it's happened before.

There seems to be two different issues here, one is probably a lack of confidence... maybe. And another is misreading social cues...

I could act with the most confidence in the world, and I wouldn't have put moves on this girl while she was in the same bed as me... maybe. Though honestly, being that close with someone would make me extremely uncomfortable without there being no physical contact between us.

But anyways, I'm sorry for you... this sounds like the exact 'unwritten' rule type of blunder I would have committed.

But largely I think the problem is more a disconnect between moral standards. She's expecting every man to put moves on her, to her that's what being a "man" is about. To you it isn't... when you didn't meet her expectations in this regard she started to feel confused about you... and it was a "mistake"...

I don't know how to connect the social-sexual expectations of people nowadays, with the way I want to approach that part of a relationship. I'm very independent and what to do things my-way in this regard, which is much more prudish and old-fashioned... combined this with a lack of social skills... and you get plenty of mixed messages and frustrated encounters.

Don't get too down though, just know that you with AS are not very common... so it'll take even longer to find someone that you connect with. Unique people need unique mates...

^^Now That is SERIOUSLY good advice KenM!
Do NOT go around making the mistake in thinking that every female your friends with and you think is cute is a potential gf.
By doing so that makes you look DESPERATE, desperation is something that Really turns women off. Thats why you should stop trying so hard! Its making you seem desperate.

If a woman is in bed with you, that is about the MOST BLATANT sign she wants you. If you put the moves on, and she rejects, then you know right there she's just a tease, and why waste your time with a tease.

If a woman is not attracted to a man she should not be be getting into bed with them. That is just stupid. It is even more stupid if they are shocked that the man puts the moves on them.

Last edited by GrantZilla on 31 Jan 2008, 10:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

That doesn't completely work though. If you focus on not getting a girl and just yourself, unless they approach you and are socially ready for the communication... you'll never even get a chance at getting any girl.

Men still have to approach and initiate things, drawing back and doing nothing would be the perfect recipe for me to be alone for all my life. I could very easily become a hermit... if I didn't push myself socially...

I think the better advice is to think that every girl could be a potential girlfriend... but proceed with extreme caution... and don't get too bent out of shape if it doesn't work out.

I think you missed the whole point Pugly. If you are not confident in yourself, then you are not going to find a woman.

I do not know any decent woman that wants some un-confident, desperate, clingy, man.

How do you expect a woman to like you when you don't even like yourself.

I got your point, but I'm saying that this problem could happen even if you are the most suave confident man around.

It's like a confident man that just does something creepy and weird to turn a girl off... I think.

I fully understand the role confidence plays in attraction, but there is much more involved than just confidence.

If your confident, won't care if a girl get's turned off, you're secure enough with yourself can re-bound instead of brooding over it for days on end.

Gonna get rejected, that's life and that's dating. But by being secure in yourself, not going to let it hold you back, and know that eventually you will find someone.

Pugly: if you are looking for a gf, women can sense that and they percieve it as desperation!
Even if you approach a female stranger wanting to be friends-if you dont do it the proper way they odds are about 1 in 200 that she will be receptive.When I met my first gf I was actually NOT looking
for a relationship-just a friend with a particular shared interest. The relationship that ensued caught me be suprise(but my friends at the time seemed to see it coming). You see, when you approach a cute female stranger you have no way of even knowing if she's available. KenM, I STRONGLY recommend you give online dating a try. Women are a FAR more likely to "approach" you online than face-to-face.

If I'm not looking for a girlfriend... I don't really talk with that many women. In fact I don't really talk with many people at all...

It's actually another issue... I don't really know how to approach people to become "friends" male or female. And people aren't exactly inclined to strike up conversations with me... or when they do my responses are strange and unexpected so they kind of fizzle out.

Doing absolutely nothing is not an option for me. As in doing nothing, and getting no friends and just doing my own thing by myself all day long.

You can't just tell someone to be confident. What kind of advice is that? It's not something you can turn on and off. You have to build it over time or learn to work around it.

My suggestion was a paradigm shift and a focus on things that matter long term. If you can focus on self-development and pursue legitimate goals you find that romantic relationships, though very important, are secondary. I've said it before, getting with a woman is not a legitimate goal. Find yourself or no one else ever will.

QFT. 'Do nothing' works fine for women, since men will approach them anyway. But for heterosexual men, it's stupid advice - don't initiate things, get nowhere is how things work in practice. Sure, you don't want to appear desperate, unconfident or clingy, but your chances of getting a girl if you do nothing are very close to zero. For me, there is somewhat of an advantage in this: I have a female friend who there is a chance she might be interested in me romantically, and I have absolutely no interest in her in that way - all I have to do is... absolutely nothing.
I do have some advice for people feeling anguish for not being in a relationship: Watch Ingmar Bergman's Scenes From a Marriage (or Roman Polanski's Bitter Moon).



I'm exactly in the same boat, if I didn't make an effort I would have zero friends. Do nothing, get nothing is how it works in the real world, at least for men.




Yes, some people seem to believe we have a magic confidence switch that we can turn on and off at will. It's like 'If you're unhappy because you have no friends, go out and make some' - Duh, why didn't I think of that? It's got to be among the most stupid pieces of advice ever given. Most dating/socialising advice out there is like telling someone on crutches that women/people in general really like able-bodied men - true but not exactly helpful.