Guys: Confidence and why it matters

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Confidence alone is not enough to become a girls' magnet , you need high social status , success , skills (ie. dancing), hobbies (not geeky hobbies) such as sports ,car , to be indifferent...etc , good shape helps a lot too.

You need solid ground so you can stand your confidence on its legs , confidence can't be spawn instantly but it grows gradually with your achievements and self-esteem.... you can't just have great confidence from nowhere like magic. A confident man without anything would be sooner or later seen by the girl as a loser pretender and hypocrite ....you can't just pretend that you believe in your abilities and power while you have none of these.

Can I ask you something Complex? This 'confident' friend of yours who has tons of fan girls , how many long-term relationships (at least a year) he got since you knew him?

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 22 Mar 2008, 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wait, so to even get a sniff of romance, I have to give up what I like and instead start getting interested in stuff that bores the hell out of me?

No thanks.

I have an interesting take on this thing called confidence. I can't deny that at times when I have been most myself and was oblivious and/or slightly delusional, I've got more attention. I didn't capitalize on those opportunities but I don't regret anything. I try to treat the past as just a 'story' nowadays for reasons of sanity. What is interesting about those times is I was almost certainly more ignorant than I am now. I'm not saying ignorance is power. Knowledge is power but it does depend what you learn. Being overly 'conscious' of your situation in relation to others is not necessarily advantageous. When I was in my own world I was less about aware of what people thought of me.

There was a study not long ago that linked people who were somewhat delusional about their current situation to happiness/success, and those with common mental ailments as conversely more realistic but ultimately self-defeating (which is ironic given how the term is usually applied). The way I have recently used my (over) active mind socially is by trying to outmanoeuvre my negative thinking. It doesn't always work and I can get complacent but I know it can and does work. So that is why I'm still optimistic about meeting someone special. If you are very analytical like AS people can be, then you can out argue yourself with practice.

Complex mentioned that some 'NTs' get shot down a lot and don't talk about it, and confidence being something you can learn. I do think you can improve your confidence and confidence is variable anyway. As to whether you can learn to be more resilient that is debatable. I know that Professor Robert Winston mentioned how they think that those that are normally very resilient are probably born that way.

Just to clear matters up on my way of thinking as these phases are often used interchangeably:
Self consciousness – is being overly interested in what people think of you or how you are perceived. This can have a negative impact on confidence. That being said it doesn’t necessarily follow that somebody that is self conscious is not outwardly confident or not extrovert, but it might catch up with them.
Self confidence – being able to do things you want
Self ‘image’ – what you think of yourself externally to other people. Self image is a problem child as it can cause lack of confidence and make self conscious if it is too high or unrealistic. Then again being a bit delusional may come in handy.

Music learn an instrument there all good any kind for a hobby, read books thats a good hobby go to book stores and things women there I know of one girl that wants to go on dates to book stores, you will have to change but think of it like this do you like how your life is or do you WANT change in it? Can't get something new from doing the same stuff all the time.

I agree... social status is #1. If a girl thinks that other girls will be jealous of her if she is dating you, then you will be successful. Social status trumps absolutely everything. People with high social status are often cocky/confident, and thus a lot of women say they like a guy who is confident. Confidence without social status is nothing. Sad but true. People like to say that all it takes it confidence to get lots of women to like you, because then we all think "oh if I just show confidence then lots of women will like me!"....no, that's not how it works. You need to be secure in yourself and be confident, but more importantly, you need a partner that is mature and understanding enough to have a relationship with an AS person(if you don't already know, this is difficult). Just because you are confident doesn't mean those trendy girls are going to want to date you, most of the women we want to be with would not date an AS person, no matter how confident he is (this is just a fact, the NT world can be harsh, deal with it). Being confident is easy, finding someone who can have a relationship with us is hard.

He's married with two kids. Before that he had a girlfriend of three years. He doesn't have a high status, a great car, great skills, or a fantastic career either; he is currently a guard at a county jail.

I am also married and an Aspie. Before my wife, I had a relationship with another woman for three years and a few short term girlfriends. I'm here to give you guys the scoop, if you don't believe me, fine, but I have what many of you want and I figured it out myself. I neither have a great car, a great job, or tons of skills (unless you count being able to repair computers and having a Master's Degree in Library Science great skills).

Neither have I abandoned some of my geekier hobbies (I have an ace silver and bronze age comic book collection). I did, however develop some more mainstream interests, such as music and pop-culture.

Developing some confidence did take a lot of work, but it was worth it. Most of the men in the world aren't rich or handsome, but they are able to develop relationships and we can too!

So you are saying that we just need to be confident without ANYTHING else and ...voilà? We become Don Juan like your friend then? Sorry ....but that is too much to believe , there's something else that you are not mentioning it here.

So your Don Juan friend works as a jailer? Now tell me, what his wife works and what was HER social status when he met her?

That's what I'm thinking, statistically what LePetitPrince says doesn't make sense for most of the Human race.

^ Why? I never said that you must be rich or handsome ....but surely not just confident alone.I already explained that in my first post in this thread.

These surely can lead you to a good descent job.




So you did developed mainstream hobbies beside your geeky aspie hobbies.....is there anything else that you forgot to tell us too?

But what legitimately datable guy doesn't have at least something in your list?

^^ read my first post ...it isn't that hard to understand.

I think we are in agreement actually, I'm more generally referring to finding a girl and dating... not necessarily being a 'chick magnet'.

I wouldn't say any one of my friends have 'high social status' or much of what you are talking about, we are just a bunch of everyday gamers/nerds with normal careers... and nearly all are married or at least have a girlfriend.

Heck I have a friend who isn't very successful at all, he doesn't even have a car... and he got a girl friend... and he broke up with her!

You don't have to be Don Juan...

His wife's a veterinary assistant. She's middle class from a middle class family. I'm leaving nothing out. The non-verbal component that us Aspies lack is huge. It starts with confidence.

Being a librarian doesn't even pay what a teacher makes. It's an OK living, but not great; kind of a dead end job really. I dated my first girlfriend from 19 to 22. I lost 30 lbs to get her attention, so there was a lot of effort involved. By the time I met my wife, I had spent a lot of time out socializing. I learned how to dress and had a good wardrobe. I learned how to read some non-verbal cues from socializing. I read a lot of books about history and culture, so I had a fairly wide array of topics I could discuss. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.

After being married (seven years now) I actually am interested in many more mainstream things. I workout a lot now, which I didn't do before I was married. My wife and I own a small house, which consumes a lot of time and other people can relate to. I follow politics and world affairs. I watch much more TV than I used to. I have three dogs, which I would have never of bothered with before I met my wife.

I really don't know why you find it so unbelievable that us Aspies can learn some mainstream skills and land a girl without being rich, having high status, or mad skills. Most men do it naturally with none of these things, it's just more difficult for us to grasp.

I have fairly high status (at least in terms of gainful employment) and skills (not social, however), and the women aren't exactly coming to me. I've noticed that women's attention can be gained, though, if you are engaging in a physical activity like swimming, bike riding, or similar; this seems to turn them on in a way even walking up to them without a care in the world does not (I know because I've tried).