Why I wait...

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What Dracula is saying I think is that you don't need to know her personality in order to make the approach and talk to her.
She might be the most boring person in the world, but here are your options:

1) Wait a month, get a feel for her personality.
2) She not overweight? Approach her, say "Hi", and get a feel for a little of her personality right then. (If the little bit you see isn't just horrible, then you go for Round 2 and see some more until you find something your not good with, or you end up in a relationship)

I knew someone for a year and a half before I realized how attractive he is. But once I realized it, I was honest about that.

Last edited by WonderWoman on 26 Jul 2008, 12:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hands are so much better.

(Joke) Couldn't resist mt little bit of crassiosity.

Regards
GM

What if you wait and wait, and you finally know how perfect they are in every way for you and then you finally have sex with the person and they are not sexually compatible.

That happened to me. The guy wanted sex like 4 hours a day. And he would sulk around the whole day if I turned him down once in a while. It was physically undoable! So there you are in the relationship and what do you do now?

There is no failsafe way to get into a relationship. There is always risk. Better to try and fail.

Why is it that everyone else's description of "dating" either sounds like a job interview or tryouts for a football team? Everytime I'm too stressed out, I can't function at all, so whatever situation I find myself in has to be low-stress...

I think we're all gravitating to "what's wrong" (notice the quotes!) with your scenario instead of listening to you about what kind of personal issue you are trying to resolve. So, yeah, it is like a job interview. Basically, people are looking for a mate, and it's a life long job done 24 hours a day. It's MORE than a job interview. So, yes, it IS very stressful. And we aspies don't do well under stress. So, you're saying that waiting is one of your solutions, trying to keep it more low key, relaxed. Also, it seems that you're pointing out that it takes you a long time to get to know someone. And you're not alone. This is also pretty typically aspie, not everybody, but common among us.

But, as you can see, there may be problems associated with waiting as well. So, maybe we need some other ideas on reducing the stress, dealing with the stress, while still attending to some of the pitfalls. Come on, you're a bunch of engineers and programmers--let's see some problem solving! Hands is a good idea, but likely to get you slapped if tried at the wrong time.

It may be due to that thoughts and perceptions on dating fall on a sliding spectrum as well. There are no-stress dates, big-moment dates, romantic dates, platonic dates, first dates, surprise last dates, etc... When reading, I get an impression that you see it as a more rigid step in process; perhaps breaking the interaction down further would allow you more comfort to progress on from there? A date isn't a commitment... more like an audition in my mind, but that's the musician in me talking.


M.

You want to know how to know that you can be physically attracted to a girl? Just imagine yourself with her NAKED, would you be able to enjoy sex with her or not? if yes then physical attraction exists , if no then it doesn't exist and so the relationship is impossible if you both are not asexual. If you ask her out then she would imagine the same situation with you before saying the answer, everyone does.

Quoted for Truth.

It might not work after you discover her personality, but you should be able to know whether or not she is attractive almost instantly.

Knowing physical attractiveness is easy, and falls within the parameters detailed above. However, thanks to observing several failed relationships that were based on physical attractiveness alone, I'm almost entirely disregarding physical attractiveness (except for some extremely bad cases).

I used to believe what you are saying about physical attractiveness too. But recently I had an experience where I know that's not true. I met someone two years who was visiting my zen center, where Ilive. Like a church, ok. so he comes here several times a month. When I first met him I thought he had no charisma and he had no coloring, he was middle aged looking, had a big belly. No way. After about a year and a half, knowing his personality totally changed the way I see him: Now I see he has beautiful blue eyes, a really nice butt, broad shoulders, long legs. His hair is thinning, but what he's got is beautiful, shiny and he has it trimmed just right. he has a nice square jaw and cherub lips and a nice forehead (very high, cause he's aspie and REALLY smart--finally a guy smart enough for me!). As for his gut, so what, he loves to eat, so do I, so when I'm around him I loosen up. To me he's like a big bull and I would like to see him, gut and all, sweaty.....you know the drill from here.

Boy was I surprised to wake up one morning when he was expected, asking myself, "Now what can I wear today that will amuse......?" Wow, where'd that come from. People's appearance changes to you when you start to get to know them and love them. I wouldn't change a thing about his looks. (He's stubborn as all get out though, so I would change that if I could.)

Toadofsteel I personally hate the idea of dating. I would prefer just to go right into a comfortable relationship with someone. I don't know about the waiting for someone to come along part, it seems likely that's the way that most people would do it. I personally like someone and have no desire to go out with others even though he just wants to be friends. It seems like a total waste of time to me.

I'm not against the idea of dating. Once I actually knew her personality (even if our personalities weren't 100% compatible), I would love to commit to that whole dating process. But after rushing into love when I was 14 and hitting a brick wall at full speed (figuratively), I'm not going to commit my time and energy until I know that a long-term relationship can actually exist given personal compatibility. Knowing her personality beforehand also gives the benefit of being able to come up with something that she would enjoy on the date.

I'm not a complete idiot. I know that the idea of a "perfect" relationship just cannot exist in reality. But unlike other people who seemingly have infinite social capital to throw around, I need to choose carefully. I just don't have the ability to bounce back from a crushing rejection or breakup. The last time I was rejected (which was in fact the first time), I ended up in a depression for 3 years. Now I know in the future it probably wouldn't last as long, but it would still be as intense, and I don't want to relive that part of my life again...

why don't you try being friends with someone first. That way you will get tons of opportunities to see if your compatible and see how she reacts in different situations. That way you want risk getting hurt as much.

does being bullied by the person at first count as friends?
Cause that's how I met my current girlfriend

That's sort of what I do, in a sense...