when to give up?

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i was in my senti mood yesterday..so i just cried and cried the whole day thinking and wishing that we are still together, that i was the one he knew before his ex wife, that his kids are OURS (sounds selfish here..) and most especially i thought of OUR little PHOEBE (we had a miscarriage anyway..)

i can easily say that i need to move on with all these things happening but i really had the hard time of letting go...call me martyr or whatever but i think ill still hang on while i still feel love between us (though he's really good on controlling his emotions)

anyway, we'll see what will happens in the coming days...

i think it doesnt sounds like it...you are being realistic about it. i hope he can read your post and realize it....thanks anyway.

You know, I'll be honest with you, this whole description of how he feels he is not good enough for you and you saying you won't give up on love does sound very corny. However I looked at your profile thing on here, and it says occupationally that you're a banker, so you're not some kid whining about some depressed autistic guy. Your description of him sounded like the stereotypical emo guy that is somewhat trendy and popular now among certain teenagers.

It is nice to see that you're hanging in there for him, but I'll tell you this, if a person does this for long enough, you'll need to leave him. It is not worth waiting forever in a state of limbo of whether "He loves me, he loves me not". Like I said, he has to make the choice in the end, and perhaps it is best to be stern with him and remind of what he has. I think that if you continue to be understanding and loving towards him, he'll remain the same way. But if you make him make the choice by saying "If you want me, you can have me, but it is your choice, I'm not going to wait around while you wallow in self pity", that lightbulb might light up in his head and he might get it. Who knows, I'm not a love guru, but my advice is absolutely free.

Im picking up more of a misinterpretation on the part of both parties than an "emo guy"...



The most important thing here is to state it in clear terms. If he is autistic, he will understand words better than non-verbal communication. If you let him know in no uncertain terms that you expect him to either commit to you or leave, that little push can resolve alot of the gray area involved here.

I actually also get the impression here that he's afraid of losing you, even if it doesn't seem like it. Many aspies have been burned in some fashion before, and unlike NT's we can't just shrug off past scars like nothing happened. By remaining in this gray area, he keeps you as a girlfriend, while keeping you at arms length so that if you do decide to leave him, he won't be burned too badly. I know I would probably do that in the same situation...

Ok, some kind of respond from me coz i think it's appropriate to answer some of the questions raised in this topic.

Excuse me but where was I bitching about love and loneliness?
I wouldn't say I'm ungrateful either, I did express my thankful feelings for the effort hon made for this relationship to work. But as I said, I feel somewhat confused by it all and I asked her several times for some time off to think about it and to sort out my feelings as well as hers.
I don't have the habit to discuss my personal affairs on internet, but since hon brought it up and since some people are responding to her, I felt the need to respond as well.
It was never my intend to b***h about anything!



Let's just say I learned over the years to control my feelings coz they depressed me too much. I try to use my common sence more and to keep my emotions in balance. The stress I feel when people are trying to force me to do something I feel I can't cope with, only makes me hyperventilate or panic. So therefore I try to keep calm emotions all the time. It doesn't mean I have no feelings!



That's correct but I never asked hon to wait for me. In fact I have told her many times if she wants she can get on with her life, no need to wait for me. I asked her if we can be friends from now on, but she keeps hanging on so what can I do about it?



I do not wallow in self pity. Why does everyone fill in my feelings for me? I thought at least on a forum for AS people would understand the problems of relationship and the anxiety of a person with Asperger. I'm not saying this coz i feel pity for myself, coz actually I don't! If I do feel pity for someone, then it's for her.



I'm not an emo guy, though I am very emotional indeed. But I always try to keep my emotions to myself and I try to use my brain instead. In this matter the bottom line is, I'm too scared to continue this relationship. Call me a coward if you want.



To tell you the truth, I have been in doubt a long time and I always been honest about that. I was very clear about this (at least I thought so), but I tried not to hurt her feelings. It's not easy if someone who you been intimate with asks you: 'do you still love me?' What can I answer? 'Sure I do, but I have other issues and therefore I want to set you free.'



I was before, that's why I asked for some time to think. And I proposed to hon to be just friends for the time being. I can understand that's not what she wants, but that's all i could offer. I don't understand the need to constantly ask me: 'but do you still love me?' That's not what's in my mind for now. I have the need for friends more than a lover. Why can't people just take a time of from the romantic thing and just be good friends?

What exactly are you scared of? If I were in such a situation, the biggest thing I would be scared about would be whatever woman is in that situation leaving me. I gather that you had some past dealing with another woman that didn't work out, and you were fairly invested emotionally in this woman that said woman leaving you left a serious mark that has yet to heal. As such, what you're scared of is that history would repeat itself. The thing you have to learn is that not all women are the same. Women like Hon, the ones that not only love you despite your AS but love you even more for it, are a significant rarity. Not to mention you have a child together.

I know it's not easy to relax yourself to the point that you're willing to love again. I've been there before. But I also know that unless you do, you'll never be as happy again in your life.



Set her free from what? She has already mentioned that your AS qualities don't bother her. Other women may claim to be interested by the AS qualities but leave once the novelty wears off. I get the idea from Hon's posts that this is not the case. This is the genuine article we're talking about. Don't give up on her so quickly...




Wanting some personal space is not a bad thing. If you want to take "time off" from the relationship, then just say so. If you, the couple, revert to friend status for a little while so you can get your bearings, that's perfectly fine. It's similar to some people who say they're "dating on and off". The important thing is though: Don't use it as an excuse to end a relationship. This isn't so much a way to terminate a relationship, just a way to put it on hiatus for a while. For your part, you need to be willing to get back together eventually. For her part, she needs to respect your personal space and leave you alone for a while. It's a compromise, pure and simple, and compromise is at the heart of any relationship (since no two people are ever 100% compatible)...

To me it's pretty obvious and has been from the beginning of all this that wanderer would like to exit this relationship for the time being. I don't see why hon is hanging on to this, despite it being made very clear to her that this was what he wanted. I know it can be hard for people to let go of something they love, but what is the point if the relationship is not working for one of the people involved, then there is no relationship at all. It takes two committed people and unless both are in that space, then it is not going to happen.

a post from me..TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO GAVE THEIR POINTS OF VIEW,THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! I do appreciate everything and was all taken into consideration.
I already have an answer to my question-WHEN TO GIVE UP? And the answer is YES,im giving up and ITS OVER.
Thats what me and wanderer decided yesterday. To Ms. Saffy,just want to let u know that i keep hanging on because i loved him and being on a vulnerable stage,i somehow take his words and actions as hopes of reconciliation and when u love a person you are not just going to give up easily,do u?but at some point you are right that if 1 person is not committed to work it out,theres no relationship at all.
To wanderer,dont feel pity for me,its not nice to hear.i may have hanged on to you but i never begged u on something.if only i knew everything you said here,i would have understand.but everytime i asked you about why you want to have a time off,you always seems to avoid it.and besides you always made me confused when you say you can move on but you are getting mad and jealous.very contradicting!but i guess now,i would take your words seriously-that ITS OVER.you said the VERY MOST HURTING WORDS i never thought you would..that u NEVER GAVE YOUR HEART TO ME..and thats what makes me to give up and move on..hope u remember this: I DID TRULY AND DEEPLY LOVE U.Ill try the best as i could to be your friend...
To Toadofsteel,thank you for being an advicer for the 2 of us.u never take sides at all..
THANK YOU ALL!!

Well, sorry to hear it didn't work out...

PS: If you think I'm level-headed, you obviously haven't zipped on over to the Politics, Philosophy, and Religion forum...

I would like us to be friends hon, coz there's no use to be in a relationship if it's only on internet. It wouldn't be fair from me to keep it going this way, coz you deserve a normal relationship. You want things i don't want and vice versa. I hope you can understand.


I never got mad as i remember it, but if you're going to try and make a guy jealous by talking about dating other men, then you can expect him to say: 'Ok, go ahead then if that's what you want!' And you already knew all the things i said here, but you didn't seem to want to understand. I told you months ago I want to keep it on a friendly bases from now on, but then you demanded me to give you a time frame. How could I feel relaxed in this situation if you keep calling and asking me: 'how much time do you want more?'


Believe me, i tried.


From a guy who's too confused to start a new relationship again, who's been years trying to survive on his own and who's heart is on ice.


QFT.

Hey what happened? I thought hon was going to not be pushy and accept the relationship on his terms or meet each other half way?
You sound like me in that you constantly need reassurance, very big mistake.

Wanderer sounds like a dill hole now.

to AUTISTICMALCONTENT, i was not able to read everything of your post yesterday..where is it now? can you post that again?thanks.

when you are thinking of hiding in the bedroom its tuime to give up

well, i guess there would be no relationship at all if one person doesn't want to work it out. i was not being pushy to what i want to happen anymore. i hanged on coz i thought there's still a chance. i tried to be a friend to him but i guess it didn't work for me coz i feel hurt over and over again by the fact that he doesn't love me at all (thats what he said). and what broke me into pieces is when you learned that the person you love deleted all the memories you shared, its something like he didn't even treasure what we had..