Bluffing about being dumped?

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Exactly.

Either my boyfriend was bluffing when he said if we break up we break up and he was acting all cool about it. Or he didn't realize how much it would hurt when it happens and he thought he would be cool about it but realized how hard it is when it actually happened.


Just the two possibilities.

No I didn't. I didn't know they lie about their feelings. Even if he were honest about them, I still would have done it anyway knowing he should have changed, not keep on being lazy and spending all his time on the computer and never being with me and I have to neg him to do things, plus he whined a lot about life; high gas prices, food, working, etc. he didn't want to do anything to help himself, he wanted a mother instead of a girlfriend.

Third possibility: He thought that you were bluffing...

He may have known that there are women who present the idea of a breakup to their boyfriends as a means of provoking an intensification of romantic activity and interest. This tactic is also mis-used by married women to frighten their husbands into greater docility. What these women do not realize is that this makes the woman seem to be manipulative, as well as providing the man with eveidence to believe that the woman has already decided to break up.

Thus, your bf may have seen your actions as a bluff and a threat, and then he reacted in a neutral fashion to let you know that he did not see it as a real threat to end your relationship. Whether or not you were actually bluffing is irrelevant, since it was his belief that inspired his actions.

Unfounded beliefs can be very destructive.

His final response may thus have been more like, "Oh, CRAP! She actually meant it! I'm such a putz... "

Im keeping my fingers crossed WonderWomen that Karma will com back to bite you in the ass!
This is what I cant stand about women, they are so f_cking fickle! Thats why the cynical voice inside my head says its better to just sleep with them and move on. If you get attached to them emotionally, they will use your feelings against you.

I have threatened to break up with him before but I was also serious but one day I was so mad I said I was breaking up with him but then realized later on I didn't mean it because I was so angry but he thought I was serious because he thought the next day my dad and I were going to take his stuff back to his parents where he be living again. I was serious when I said I was going to do it but then changed my mind later on I wasn't going to do it because I was calmed down. But then one day it was the last straw so I did it. I had finally connected the dots he didn't care about me and he played games with me like I had always been suspecting.

It's a bit harsh to call it a lie ....it's unintentional lie to hide feelings.

-Men are raised by dads to cover their feelings like that (ie. Don't cry like a girl!)
-Teachers/couches encourage men to cover their feelings like that (Men don't cry)
-Media encourages men to hide their feelings that
-Men encourage other men to cover their feelings like that (ie. the army)
-and women's general preferences in men indirectly push men to cover their feelings like that (ie. Woman:"I want a strong and confident man").

As result , men are paranoid to be seen as emotional and hence as weak.

Why do you think the suicide rate is 3 to 4 times more among men?

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 29 Sep 2008, 1:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

He didn't care? Or he thought that you were only bluffing ... again?

Face it, any guy who experiences the "Change-Or-Else" manipulative threat often enough eventually will stop caring.

Congratulations; it worked.

Last edited by Fnord on 29 Sep 2008, 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

WonderWomen might just be a guy or just a little girl trolling around.

I never bluffed. I said I changed my mind because I didn't mean it when I said I was doing it. People can say very hurtful things when very upset and then they realize later on they didn't mean it. Is that bluffing?

It's not bluffing if not done deliberately - however it may have looked like bluffing to him.

LPP is right - men learn to hide our feelings - from being taught not to cry like a girl, to competing with peers for being the toughest, to being told to take it like a man, to women wanting a strong man - all social interactions, from the media to the opposite sex to parents to peers, train men to suppress any feelings other than anger and pride.

From a man's perspective, yes. "I changed my mind" carries as much weight as "I didn't mean it" or "I was bluffing", as the results are the same (remember, men are mostly result-oriented), even if the motivation was different.

From a man's perspective, the action was as follows:

1. You made a threat.
2. He responded with indifference.
3. You withdrew your threat.

From a man's perspective (again), this has the word "Bluff" written all over it. Since you had withdrawn your threat, he saw no need to change. Continuing:

4. He behaved the same as before.
5. You carried out your threat.
6. He learned that it wasn't a bluff.

A woman should never appear to bluff (as above), or give an ultimatum ("My way, or else!") if she wants an honest, two-way relationship with a man. She would do better to simply state her wishes and carry them out. Otherwise, a man will react in accordance to the way things appear to him, whether or not their appearances actually match reality.

Bluff and bluster are things that men do to establish authority or to assert their "Alpha Male" status. Feigning indifference to another person's threats is denial of that other person's "Alpha" status. Submitting to another person's threats is admission of that other person's "Alpha" status.

He denied your authority over him, and was shocked to find out how much authority you actually had.

Of course, the foregoing is all my opinion, as I am just a man, and therefore I know nothing at all about the dynamics of relationships.

Really.

Nothing.

Nothing at all...

Okay, I am sure he has learned after that how literal I really am. I have told him over and over I am literal and he never listened. He didn't take my words exactly what I meant and he kept on joking and doing sarcasm. I even told him I was very upset I said it and realized I didn't mean it because I was so upset, that was how much he hurt me. He apologized and I felt better.



He got what was coming anyway. Maybe if he read about AS, he would have learned more about it but said he didn't need to because he already knows about it because of me. He assumed everything I did was the AS instead of my personality.


I also know if people keep saying things and then they change their mind, people stop taking them seriously.



I already knew men don't cry because it's immoral for them to. My mother told me when I was 11. But I didn't know they deny their feelings too. Only men I have seen cry was my second boyfriend. I have never seen my dad cry but my mother has and I have never seen any others. I have only seen children cry. I haven't seen my brothers cry in years. I guess it becomes immortal for them too when they reach their teens.


I can remember one of my teachers telling me when I was 14, boys don't like to tell how they felt about something because I had hurt this kid's feelings by making a remark and I argued with the teacher about how would she know how I made him felt. He didn't say anything so how would she know. I didn't think they deny their feelings to people. They just don't say anything. I assumed men were honest about their feelings to people. I feel dumb now for not taking the hint that men don't tell others how they feel, they deny their feelings, they hide their true feelings. So they bluff about how they feel or how they would feel.

It won't do him any good now, right?


AS describes our personalities - there is no separating our personalities from AS.


"Say What You Mean / Mean What You Say" ... word to live by. Too bad that NTs don't see it that way.


Immoral? No ... we're taught that crying is a form of manipulation, that manipulation is a sign of weakness, and that only weak people cry (At least, that's what I learned as a boy).


We don't deny having feelings. We just try to express our feelings in ways that don't make us seem any less "manly" than we think we really are, and we certainly don't talk about feelings, especially with other men.

The hardest part comes when a man finally meets that one, perfect woman to whom he believes that he can express his our innermost feelings; and when he does, she either freaks out, uses the information against him later to get her way, or rejects him entirely because she believes that his feelings are just plain wrong. Also, some women want a man to openly express his feelings, but only if the feelings he expresses are happiness over her, politeness to her friends, and indignity to anyone who insults her.