How does one get a girlfriend?

Post Reply New Topic

as mentioned above.. finding a girlfriend is easy..

KEEPING a girlfriend, or a prolonged relationship is where the problems start. people are not all that hard to impress. You want to know how to "find a girlfriend" i can even direct you to the proper texts, give Dale Carnagie "how to win friends and influence people" a read, and employ the techniques discussed in the book, i can almost garuntee you get a call back from whatever female it is you are trying to woo. In fact it was one of the most helpful tools i ever found in dealing with random people on a day to day basis. the problem for me and id assume other aspies as well is "now that ive got it what am i gonna do with it" finding a gf or simply gettin laid isnt terribly difficult, but doing so without meltdowns, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings is the trick. best advice i can give there is to lower your expectations to a bare minimum (she HAS to be breathing, and itd be nice if she showers) and try not to force anything, after years of trial and error what i have learned personally is that the more you throw yourself at a person, the harder it is to understand ther actions because they are constantly reacting to you. Whereas if i keep my distance it is much easier to make sense of things. once you have your foot in the door, you have to make sure you leave the door wide open and let it swing both ways, if a girls interested shell stick around, if shes not, let her go.

I usually just use Chloroform.

Well, at a minimum one should be attracted to the person, I guess. My problem is that I tend to get attracted to women that are not interested. For an NT person, I guess it is easy to find a girlfriend, but not for an aspie. I am 36 years old and still havent had one, so I think that should disprove it. But again, if you look like Brad Pitt, I guess it is easy. My main problem is probably that I send out signals of uncertainty and nervousness, something that most women do not find attractive.

you are looking at things alllll wrong mate.

physical attraction only means so much to women from my observations. i used to think the same way untill i looked around me at the "NT" people i knew.. i know women that sty with men who beat them, i know women who stay with men who are mentally abusive, i know women that stay with men who are drunks and drug addicts, i even know one woman who stayed with a person that was a crossdresser and had this woman believe he/she was a woman as well and then sprung the "actually im a guy" thing and she STILL stayed with him. People are strange as hell, but never ever discount yourself based on some stupid lil flaw be it physical or mental. i have seen the kindest most beautiful women stay with the ugliest of men for reasons unknown, bt it happens alllll the time. all you need to do is erase the uncertainty and nervousness. that is easy enough if u can adopt the attitude "oh well nothing to lose anyway" dont look at the women you are interested in as being better then you in any way shape or form, they are still f****d up humanoid carbon based garbage that walks and talks. If they like you, great, if they dont, just as great. its not like u had some deep relationship with em to lose, just the lost opportunity if u dont try.

the less you force yourself to try and impress, the more impressive you will become. or at the very least you will seem unique cuz its not something most are used to. dont hope to be a superhero, just be a human.

Even if physical appearance isn't a major factor (to some it is), women are still VERY picky about their relationships. If they weren't, I might've had a girlfriend by now.

I definitely think I must be on the wrong planet. It sounds like you guys are tellusians (that is planet earth)...

Cybermen are (originally) from the planet Mondas.

I cant even keep my room tidy. I feel like much of whats written here is like some sort of greek philosophy on a too high level for me...

How you get a girlfriend depends entirely on the kind of girl you're trying to go after. While much of what Fnord said is spot on, certain things like displaying your wealth can easily put some women off (myself being one of them). The majority of women might be impressed by such things, but be aware that you may well end up with someone who's attracted to you because of that. This isn't necessarily a bad thing... only if you're trying to avoid superficiality.

Just a thought - dinner might actually be too stressful for a first date for a lot of the people here, since keeping up a certain kind of conversation (friendly, not too personal, interesting, and maintaining the right amount of eye contact) is hard for most people. Going for drinks works, but I also suggest doing something somewhat active (as simple as going for a walk somewhere nice), in an environment you're familiar with. If it seems to go well, ask her if she's hungry and would like to go for a meal. If she likes you, she'll take you up on the offer. Otherwise, she'll say she's busy and you'll part. Note that she actually might be busy, so ask her if she'd like to do so on Saturday/Monday/whenever. If she doesn't tell you when she'd like to meet again, it's over. If she does, excellent.

What are you uncertain and nervous about? Looks play a factor; generally speaking, I've found that those I am interested in acknowledge that, but it is not a major criteria. How do you know they are not interested? A lot of incidental questions that need answering before I can provide a targeted response. First and foremost, experience. Often, we learn through doing and active observation; without this, there is little likelihood of progression. Therefore, there will be mistakes, botched dates, things that hurt in the moment and may become laughable in time. I've had a number of relationships; I've also been single for years at a time... all things in their time. Hope to hear more from you -


M.

I felt when I got the reply of Fnord that what he says is that I should pretend to be someone I am not. That would go agaisnt everything I believe in. It would feel so false. After all I want a girl that falls in love with ME. That respect me for the one I am and love me for the one I am. There must be SOME girl out there that is sickened tired of playing games! Why not be sincere to each other?

I guess I am a nervous person in general. Doesnt that apply to all aspies? My eyes send out signals of uncertaint, so does the tics. I havent made any attempt for a long time, it has been twice that I asked directly, but with negative result.

If you're using dating sites, I highly recommend okcupid.

Why exactly this site?

Well, you really have a limited number of choices here.

1. Be true to yourself, and hope that someday a woman will fall for you the moment she walks through your door. This is like hoping that a fish will jump from the river into your frying pan.

2. Put on an act (women call it "Glamour") appropriate for the type pf woman you want to attract, and go out to where such women are gathered. This is like buying a fishing boat to go trawling for the day's catch.

A life's lesson: In order to reach your stated goals, you have to give up some comfort.

I know the idea is daunting, but two attempts is not enough to really get your bearings, much less gain real experience. Think to the number of light bulbs that were duds before one finally worked - it takes a large sample and a lot of hitting one's head. Being nervous isn't even completely a bad thing; I have found that it helps to try and laugh about it with the other person to put them at ease, and make them aware that it isn't something connected to them but a general state. Yes - some people will be put off by that fact off the bat... but I can't change that, so just have to move on.

OKCupid is a site populated with people aged 18-36, generally very laid back and informal. There are many tests and other diversions to help create conversation. It's not a bad starting place, really - I've made several friends through it, and kept in contact with others... although the humour has been seeing an ex or two pop up over the years.

Regarding Fnord's advice: remember, it is just one perspective... as is any advice you receive. What matters is what you do with it. I tend to lean towards a hybrid of the ideas: being one's self without improvement or attention is generally not effective, but creating a false persona to attract a partner/mate isn't either. Working on yourself is essential, but then you must decide whether you want to spent your energy to bring up your lowest skills (forming a minimum, base-level) or invest in turning existing strengths into adaptations and compensate in that manner. Most often, I see others trying to improve in areas they have little control over, and lack the 'strength' to facilitate any real change because of the difficulties they are encountering. While I still work on those weaknesses, I also push myself hard to make my strengths (analysis, patterns, sequencing) work on my behalf so my weaknesses don't leave me succumbing to their weight. Improving yourself, as Fnord said, isn't comfortable - but it is worthwhile. Just examine how you are going to approach it first, otherwise you may spin your wheels working at another's command.


M.